When your partner hurts you or messes up, it’s great that they’re willing to apologise — but it’s essentially meaningless if their behaviour never changes.
All the sorries in the world don’t make up for someone who treats you badly, constantly repeats the same toxic behaviours, and refuses to make any real adjustments to the way they act. No matter how much you love them, you don’t have to put up with it. However, if you want to fight for the relationship and encourage them to get their act together, here’s how to handle the situation.
1. Recognise the pattern.
The first step is to acknowledge what’s happening. If your partner apologises but keeps repeating the same behaviour, it’s important to notice the cycle. Maybe it’s promises about spending more quality time together or quitting a bad habit, but nothing actually shifts after their apologies. Recognising the pattern helps you understand where the issue lies. Once you’re aware, you can start looking at the bigger picture. It’s not about one mistake, but a repeated dynamic that needs addressing. Awareness gives you a clearer starting point for tackling the problem, rather than feeling caught in an endless loop of unfulfilled apologies.
2. Separate words from actions.
Apologies can sometimes feel comforting in the moment, but actions always speak louder. It’s important to look beyond their words and focus on whether their behaviour changes afterwards. A sincere apology comes with tangible steps toward improvement, not just empty promises. Take note of whether they’re making an effort or just saying what they think you want to hear. That distinction can help you determine if they’re genuinely invested in change or just trying to smooth things over temporarily without addressing the root of the issue.
3. Be clear about your expectations.
Sometimes, your partner might not fully understand what you’re expecting from them. Instead of assuming they know, try being as clear and specific as possible. For example, if their apologies involve promises to be more present, explain what that looks like, like setting aside time for uninterrupted conversations or planning regular date nights. When expectations are clearly laid out, it leaves less room for confusion. It also makes it easier to notice when they’re following through and when they’re not. Clarity is key to ensuring you’re both on the same page about what needs to change.
4. Assess the sincerity of their apologies.
Not all apologies are created equal. A heartfelt apology includes acknowledgment of the mistake, an expression of genuine regret, and a clear plan for making amends. If your partner’s apologies lack these elements, it could be a sign they’re not taking the issue seriously. Sincerity can often be gauged by their tone, body language, and willingness to listen. If their apologies feel rushed or dismissive, it might mean they’re more focused on ending the conversation than truly addressing your concerns.
5. Focus on how their behaviour affects you.
When discussing the issue, try shifting the focus to how their actions make you feel. Instead of accusing them of not changing, express how the repeated behaviour impacts you emotionally. For example, you might say, “It hurts me when you apologise but don’t follow through because it feels like my feelings aren’t being prioritised.” Framing the conversation around your feelings rather than their failures can help them see the emotional weight of their actions. It’s less likely to make them defensive and more likely to encourage meaningful dialogue.
6. Give them time to reflect.
Sometimes, people need time to process and truly understand the impact of their behaviour. After sharing your concerns, give your partner space to reflect rather than expecting immediate solutions. That doesn’t mean excusing their actions, but rather allowing room for genuine introspection. If they come back with thoughtful responses or ideas for improvement, it shows they’ve taken the time to consider your perspective. However, if they continue to brush things off or repeat the same cycle, it might indicate a deeper issue with accountability.
7. Set healthy boundaries.
Repeated apologies without change can take a toll on your emotional well-being. To protect yourself, it’s important to establish boundaries. That might mean explaining what behaviours you’re no longer willing to tolerate or outlining consequences if the cycle continues. Boundaries aren’t about punishing your partner; they’re about ensuring your needs are met. When communicated calmly and respectfully, they can help create a healthier dynamic and encourage your partner to take accountability for their actions.
8. Look at underlying reasons for their behaviour.
Sometimes, repeated behaviour stems from deeper issues your partner might not even fully understand. They could be struggling with stress, habits they’re finding hard to break, or even fear of conflict. Exploring these underlying causes together could provide valuable insight into why change hasn’t happened yet. That doesn’t mean excusing their actions, but rather addressing the root cause. By tackling the issue together, you can create a supportive environment that encourages growth instead of focusing solely on blame.
9. Encourage actionable solutions.
Words are nice, but actions are what truly matter. Encourage your partner to come up with specific steps they can take to address the behaviour. For example, if they’ve been neglecting responsibilities, suggest creating a shared calendar or setting reminders to stay organised. By focusing on practical solutions, you’re helping turn their good intentions into real change. It also shows whether they’re genuinely committed to improving or just going through the motions without much thought.
10. Check in on progress regularly.
Change takes time, so it’s important to check in regularly to see how things are going. These check-ins don’t have to feel formal or heavy — just casual conversations about what’s working and what isn’t. It helps keep both of you accountable and ensures the issue doesn’t get swept under the rug. Regular communication also provides opportunities to celebrate small wins. Even small improvements are worth acknowledging, as they show your partner is making an effort, which can encourage further progress.
11. Be prepared to hold them accountable.
Sometimes, people need a little nudge to stay on track. If your partner falls back into old habits, don’t hesitate to remind them of the commitments they made. Holding them accountable isn’t about shaming them but about reinforcing the importance of their actions matching their words. Accountability works both ways, so make sure you’re also being consistent in your communication. By showing that you’re serious about addressing the issue, you’re more likely to inspire them to take it seriously, too.
12. Don’t take on all the responsibility.
It’s easy to feel like you have to fix things on your own, but real change requires effort from both sides. Your partner’s behaviour isn’t your responsibility to fix, and it’s important to recognise that. They need to take ownership of their actions and the impact they have. If you find yourself constantly trying to manage their behaviour or making excuses for them, it might be time to step back. Your energy is better spent focusing on what you can control rather than trying to change someone else’s actions.
13. Evaluate whether they’re willing to change.
At a certain point, you’ll need to assess whether your partner is truly committed to changing. If they keep making excuses or dismissing your concerns, it might indicate they’re not ready to put in the effort. Change requires willingness, and without that, progress is unlikely. Ask yourself whether their actions align with their words. If the answer is consistently no, it might be worth considering whether the relationship is meeting your emotional needs or leaving you feeling stuck.
14. Don’t hesitate to get some outside support.
Sometimes, dealing with repeated apologies and lack of change can feel overwhelming. Talking to a therapist or getting a bit of feedback from friends you trust can help you process your feelings and gain clarity about the situation. Professional guidance can also provide tools for navigating difficult conversations with your partner. If your partner is open to it, couples therapy can be an excellent way to address underlying issues and work towards meaningful change. It shows that both of you are invested in improving the relationship rather than letting things spiral further.
15. Know when it’s time to walk away.
If you’ve tried everything and nothing changes, it’s okay to consider walking away. Staying in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met can be emotionally draining and damaging to your self-esteem. Sometimes, stepping back is the healthiest choice for both of you. This decision doesn’t mean you’re giving up; it means you love and respect yourself enough to prioritise your mental and emotional health. A relationship should be a source of support and growth, not a constant cycle of frustration and disappointment. Trust yourself to know when it’s time to let go.
