Friends are supposed to be our cheerleaders, our support system, the people we can always count on. But what if your friend is more of a spotlight hog than a true shoulder to cry on? Dealing with self-centered friends is tricky. Here’s how to navigate the dynamic, protect your sanity, and decide if the friendship is worth the effort.
1. Recognize the different types of self-centeredness.
Not all self-centered people are alike. Are they oblivious, constantly unaware of how their actions affect others? Do they brag to feel superior? Or do they use your friendship mainly as a sounding board for their problems? Understanding their flavor of self-involvement helps you tailor your approach.
2. Assess the friendship: Are there redeeming qualities?
Before jumping ship, take an honest look at the big picture. Are they always self-absorbed, or just sometimes? Despite their flaws, do they also bring fun, loyalty, or other positive qualities to the friendship? Can you live with the bad if the good outweighs it?
3. Set realistic expectations for the friendship.
If you decide to keep the friendship, adjust your expectations accordingly. Don’t expect deep heart-to-hearts or for them to always be there for you emotionally. View them as more of a fun, lighthearted companion, and save the heavier stuff for friends who are naturally more empathetic.
4. Establish healthy boundaries with kindness.
You don’t have to cater to their every whim or let their constant need for attention drain you. Learn to politely decline spending time together when you need to recharge, steer conversations in a more balanced direction, or gracefully cut them off when they start a monologue that goes on and on.
5. Try gentle, direct communication (if their self-centeredness is more oblivious than malicious).
If they seem genuinely unaware of their impact, try a tactful, “Hey, I feel like sometimes our conversations end up being a lot about you, and I’d love to hear more about what’s going on in your life too.” This opens the door without confrontation, and their reaction will tell you if change is possible.
6. Focus on your own life and self-care.
Don’t let their constant need for validation diminish your own shine. Invest in hobbies, cultivate other friendships, and prioritize your own well-being. The more fulfilled you feel outside of the friendship, the less their self-centered behavior will bother you.
7. Embrace humor to deflect their attention-seeking behavior.
A little playful teasing (delivered kindly) can sometimes work wonders. If they’re bragging to make themselves feel superior, a lighthearted, “Wow, someone’s feeling themself today!” can diffuse the situation without escalating it into a conflict.
8. Don’t take their behavior personally (easier said than done!).
Remember, their self-centeredness is about them, not you. The less you engage emotionally, the easier it becomes to see their actions almost as a quirk rather than a deliberate act of unkindness. Detaching a bit helps preserve your sanity.
9. Don’t always be available to meet their needs.
Resist the urge to drop everything whenever they want a listening ear or last-minute company. Being selectively unavailable teaches them that your time is valuable, and encourages them to seek support elsewhere sometimes.
10. Don’t compete or try to one-up them with your own stories.
Trying to fight for the spotlight only fuels their need for constant attention. Let them have their “moment of glory”, and gently redirect the conversation when you’re ready for a change of topic. Refusing to play their game often diffuses their need to dominate.
11. Focus your energy on more mutually supportive friendships.
Don’t pour all your emotional resources into a one-sided friendship. Surround yourself with people who genuinely reciprocate care and support. The contrast will highlight the imbalance in your self-centered friend’s behavior, giving you clarity on whether this friendship is worth salvaging.
12. Have a frank conversation if their behavior starts truly hurting you.
If gentle nudges don’t work, and their selfishness is having a negative impact on your self-esteem, it’s time for a serious chat. Be specific about which actions are hurtful, and clearly state how their behavior makes you feel. A true friend (even a slightly oblivious one) will care about the impact they have on you, and hopefully try to be more considerate.
13. Know when to distance yourself for the sake of your own well-being.
If you’ve tried communicating, setting boundaries, and nothing improves, it’s okay to let the friendship fade. It’s hard, but sometimes it’s the only way to protect yourself from a constant emotional drain.
14. Be honest with yourself: Is this truly a friendship or something more toxic?
Are they occasionally self-absorbed, or are their actions consistently hurtful, dismissive, or manipulative? The line between a slightly flawed friend and someone truly toxic can be blurry. Be ruthless about prioritizing your mental and emotional health – if the relationship is doing more harm than good, it’s time to walk away.
