Dealing with difficult people isn’t fun, by any stretch, but it’s something we all have to deal with at some point.
Whether it’s a snobby colleague, an overly dramatic friend, or even an annoying family member, putting up with people with testing personalities can really get you down if you let it. But don’t! Do these things to make your life a lot easier when dealing with difficult people.
1. Start with a clean slate.
Source: Unsplash Forget things that have happened in the past for a minute and approach the person as if you’re meeting them for the first time. It can really help you see beyond your preconceptions and notice parts of their personality you might not have noticed before. You’re not excusing their bad behaviour, you’re giving yourself a chance to change your mind about them.
2. Look for the things you have in common.
Everyone has a story. Maybe you both grew up in similar neighbourhoods, or you’re both struggling with the challenges of parenthood. These shared experiences can be a great starting point for building a bit of rapport. When you find a common thread, bring it up in conversation. You might be surprised at how quickly a connection can form over something as simple as both having survived terrible uni flatmates.
3. Do more active listening.
Often, difficult people just want to feel heard. Next time you’re in a conversation, really focus on what they’re saying instead of planning your response. Ask follow-up questions that show you’re engaged. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything, but showing genuine interest can go a long way in softening their stance towards you.
4. Find a mutual “enemy”.
Don’t gang up on anyone or anything, but recognise that having a common frustration can surprisingly bring people together. Maybe you both find the new office software impossibly clunky, or you share a dislike for the local council’s recycling policies. If you hate the same things, it brings you closer together, weirdly enough.
5. Acknowledge their strengths.
Everyone has something they’re good at, even the most irritating people. Take notice of their skills or positive traits and genuinely compliment them when appropriate. Maybe they always have creative solutions to problems, or they’re always on time or even five minutes early. Recognising their strengths shows that you see them as a whole person, not just the difficult parts.
6. Be careful how you use humour.
A well-timed joke can break down tension and add a bit of levity to a heavy atmosphere. But tread carefully — humour is subjective, and what’s funny to you might be offensive to them. Keep it to light, self-deprecating humour or jokes about universally annoying situations, and then go from there.
7. Ask for their advice or expertise.
Source: Unsplash People love feeling valued for their knowledge. If you know they’re really good at something in particular, don’t hesitate to ask for their input or advice. This could be about anything from their professional field to a hobby they’re passionate about. Showing that you respect their opinion can help break down barriers and give them a more positive view of you.
8. Find a shared goal.
Having a common objective can turn adversaries into allies. This could be a work project you both need to complete, a neighbourhood initiative you’re both interested in, or even just getting through a family event drama-free. When you’re working towards the same end, it becomes easier to set aside personal differences and focus on collaboration.
9. Try to be empathetic, even when it’s hard.
Try to put yourself in their shoes, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. Consider what might be driving their difficult behaviour. Are they stressed out? Feeling insecure? Understanding the root cause doesn’t excuse their actions, but it can help you respond more compassionately. That, in turn, could change the dynamic between you.
10. Put some boundaries in place and be clear about them.
Finding common ground doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you. Let them know what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable to you, and be clear about it. Surprisingly, many difficult people respond well to clear boundaries, as it sort of lets them know what to expect from your interactions.
11. Focus on facts, not emotions.
When discussions get heated, stick to objective facts rather than emotional arguments. This approach can help prevent conversations from spiralling into personal attacks. It’s harder for someone to dismiss or argue with concrete information. Plus, keeping things factual can help you both stay focused on the issue at hand rather than getting sidetracked by personal drama.
12. Find a shared interest outside of your usual context.
Sometimes, the environment where you usually interact is part of the problem. Try to discover a shared interest that’s completely unrelated to where you typically clash. Maybe you both love obscure ’80s films or have a passion for gardening. Engaging over these neutral topics can help you see each other in a new light. It’s worth a try, anyway.
13. Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations.
Source: Unsplash This is age-old advice, but that’s because it works. When bringing up issues between you, frame your concerns using “I feel” statements. This approach is less likely to put the other person on the defensive. For example, “I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed” is more constructive than “You never meet deadlines”. You don’t want them to feel like you’re attacking them.
14. Acknowledge your own role in the drama.
It takes two to tango, as they say. Reflect on how your own actions or attitudes might be contributing to the difficult dynamic. Admitting your part in the problem can be disarming and might encourage the other person to do the same. This mutual acknowledgment can really help you find common ground.
15. Look for opportunities to work together.
This could be something as simple as organising an office party or brainstorming ideas for a project. Working together can help build trust and understanding, even if you start off on shaky ground.
16. Practise patience and persistence.
Remember, dealing with a difficult person is often a gradual process. Don’t expect overnight miracles. Stay consistent in your efforts to connect and understand, even if progress seems slow. Sometimes, the simple act of consistently treating someone with respect and openness can gradually soften their difficult demeanour over time. If not, hey, at least you tried!
