How To Get Back In Contact With Your Estranged Adult Children

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Losing touch with your grown-up kids is heartbreaking, no doubt about it.

It’s like a piece of your heart is missing. But that doesn’t mean you should give up hope of reconciliation. While it might not be a walk in the park, there are ways you can try to reconnect and mend those broken bridges. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of understanding, but it’s definitely worth a shot. Here’s how to get started.

1. Look in the mirror.

Before you pick up the phone or start writing that letter, take a moment to reflect. Did you play a part in the estrangement? Were there things you said or did that might have hurt your child? Owning up to your mistakes, even if they were small, shows you’re willing to take responsibility and can be a huge step towards rebuilding trust.

2. Timing is key.

Don’t jump the gun and reach out when emotions are still running high. Give your child some space to cool down and process their feelings. When you do decide to reach out, think about how they’d prefer to hear from you. A handwritten note might feel more personal than a text message, but it all depends on your child and what they’re comfortable with.

3. Start small and slow.

Don’t expect a deep heart-to-heart right off the bat. Instead, start with small gestures like sending a birthday card or a quick message to let them know you’re thinking of them. The goal is to gently open the door for communication and build up trust over time.

4. Listen to their side of the story.

It’s important to really listen to what your child has to say about why they feel estranged. Avoid interrupting or getting defensive. Even if you don’t agree with everything they say, try to understand where they’re coming from and validate their feelings. This shows that you care about their perspective and that you’re willing to work towards a resolution.

5. Say sorry like you mean it.

If you’ve messed up, own it and apologise sincerely. Don’t make excuses or try to point the finger. A genuine apology can go a long way in healing wounds and rebuilding trust. Be specific about what you’re sorry for, and most importantly, show through your actions that you’re committed to changing.

6. Focus on the present and future.

It’s easy to get stuck in the past, dwelling on old arguments and hurt feelings. But to move forward, try to focus on the present and future. Talk about what’s happening in your lives now, share your hopes and dreams, and be open to hearing theirs. It’s about creating a new chapter, not re-reading the old one.

7. Respect their choices.

Remember, your child is an adult now, and they have the right to make their own decisions, even if those decisions hurt you. If they need space or don’t want to reconcile right away, respect their wishes. Don’t pressure them or guilt-trip them. Just let them know you’re there for them when they’re ready.

8. Get some help if you need it.

Dealing with estrangement is tough, and it’s okay to ask for help. Talking to a therapist or counsellor can give you the tools and support you need to navigate this difficult situation. They can help you understand your own emotions, communicate more effectively, and find healthy ways to cope with the pain and uncertainty.

9. Be patient and persistent.

Healing a broken relationship takes time. Don’t expect things to change overnight. Just keep showing up, being consistent, and expressing your love and support. Your child might not respond right away, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Keep reaching out in a loving and respectful way, and eventually, they might start to come around.

10. Focus on rebuilding trust.

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and it’s especially important when trying to reconnect with estranged adult children. Be reliable, keep your promises, and follow through on your commitments. Show them that you’re trustworthy and that they can count on you. It might take time, but with patience and consistency, you can rebuild the trust that was lost.

11. Avoid blame and accusations.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming each other or dwelling on past hurts. But playing the blame game won’t get you anywhere. Instead, focus on understanding each other’s perspectives and finding common ground. If you need to address past issues, do it in a calm and respectful way, avoiding accusatory language or bringing up old wounds.

12. Show real interest in their lives.

Ask about their work, hobbies, relationships, and dreams. Listen attentively and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or judgment. Instead, focus on simply being present and supportive. Let them know that you care about their lives and that you’re eager to reconnect with them on a deeper level.

13. Find shared interests and activities.

Shared experiences can be a powerful way to bond and rebuild connections. Suggest activities that you both enjoy, whether it’s going for a walk, trying a new restaurant, or attending a concert together. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; the goal is simply to spend time together and create positive memories.

14. Don’t give up on them.

Even if your child doesn’t respond to your initial attempts at reconciliation, don’t give up hope. They might need more time or a different approach. Keep the door open for communication, send occasional messages to let them know you’re thinking of them, and continue to work on yourself and your own healing journey. Remember, love and forgiveness are powerful forces, and they can work miracles even in the most challenging situations.

15. Celebrate small victories.

Every step towards reconciliation, no matter how small, is worth celebrating. If your child responds to a message, agrees to meet for coffee, or simply expresses a willingness to keep in touch, acknowledge it as a positive sign. These small victories can build momentum and pave the way for deeper healing and reconnection.

16. Remember, it’s a two-way street.

Reconciliation requires effort and willingness from both sides. While you can’t control your child’s actions or feelings, you can focus on your own behaviour and approach. Be patient, understanding, and willing to put in the work. But also remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and love. If your child is unwilling to meet you halfway, it’s okay to accept that and focus on your own well-being.