Getting your needs met in a relationship is important, but for that to happen, you actually have to know what those needs are.
Maybe you’ve been in relationships in which the things you require have been overlooked or just not as much of a priority, so you’ve just never had time to think about what it’ll take to make you feel safe, secure, and loved. Well, it’s time to figure it out now — here’s how to do so.
1. Reflect on what makes you feel truly loved.
Think about times in past relationships or friendships when you felt genuinely appreciated. Was it when someone made time for you, gave you compliments, or showed affection? These moments are clues to what makes you feel valued. Taking time to reflect on these experiences will help you realise what’s been missing in your current relationship—or what you need more of.
2. Be honest with yourself about what you need.
This is the part where you ask yourself the tough questions. What do you need to feel safe and secure in a relationship? Maybe it’s more communication, alone time, or physical touch. Whatever it is, don’t shy away from the answers. Be brutally honest with yourself because once you know, you can communicate these things to your partner clearly.
3. Notice when something’s off.
If you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, or even disconnected from your partner, it’s a red flag that something isn’t quite right. These negative emotions are often signs that your needs aren’t being met. Instead of brushing them aside, dig into why you’re feeling this way. This will help you identify specific areas where things need to change.
4. Talk to your partner about what you need.
Once you’ve figured out what’s important to you, have a conversation with your partner about it. They aren’t mind readers, after all! Be open about what makes you feel loved and supported, and don’t be afraid to ask them about their needs too. Open communication is key to making sure both of you feel fulfilled.
5. Pay attention to what makes you happy in the relationship.
What are the moments that fill you with joy and a sense of peace? Maybe it’s when your partner does something thoughtful or when you spend quality time together. These little moments give you insight into what your core needs are—whether it’s emotional support, time together, or physical affection. Whatever it is, those moments that make you smile are worth paying attention to.
6. Validate your needs, no matter how small they seem.
It’s easy to feel like your needs are too much or that you’re being “needy,” but the truth is, everyone has needs in a relationship, and they’re all valid. Even if it’s something small like needing more compliments or hugs, it’s still important. Don’t minimise your own feelings just to avoid conflict.
7. Don’t compare your needs to anyone else’s.
It’s easy to look at your friends’ relationships and wonder if you should want the same things, but everyone’s different. Some people need constant communication, while others thrive on more independence. Focus on what makes you happy, rather than trying to live up to what you think a relationship should look like.
8. Look for patterns in your past relationships.
Think about where things have gone wrong in your previous relationships. Were there recurring issues that left you feeling unfulfilled? If you can spot these patterns, you’ll have a better chance of avoiding the same problems in the future. Learning from past mistakes is one of the best ways to make your current relationship stronger.
9. Notice when you feel fulfilled and connected.
When you’re happy and everything seems to be flowing in your relationship, take note of why that is. Is it because your partner has been more attentive, or maybe you’ve been spending more time together? These moments are key to figuring out what makes you feel content and fulfilled in a relationship.
10. Trust your gut when something feels off.
If you feel a little unsettled in your relationship, don’t ignore it. That gut feeling is your body’s way of telling you that something’s missing or out of balance. Instead of brushing it aside, figure out why you feel that way and what you need to feel more secure.
11. Set boundaries that protect what’s important to you.
Boundaries aren’t just about saying no—they’re about protecting your emotional wellbeing. If you know what makes you feel valued, make sure you’re setting boundaries that support those feelings. Whether it’s needing more alone time or limiting toxic behaviour, boundaries keep your needs from being trampled on.
12. Revisit your needs as the relationship grows.
Your needs are going to change as your relationship evolves. What you wanted in the early days might not be what you need now. That’s perfectly normal, so don’t be afraid to reassess and adjust. Keep checking in with yourself to make sure you’re still getting what you need to be happy.
13. Understand the difference between needs and wants.
It’s important to recognise the distinction between something you need and something that’s just a nice-to-have. Needs are essential for your happiness and wellbeing—things like respect, communication, and affection. Wants, on the other hand, are extras that can enhance your relationship but aren’t make-or-break.
14. Don’t feel guilty about putting yourself first sometimes.
It’s easy to feel selfish when you focus on your own needs, but remember that looking after yourself is part of building a healthy relationship. Both partners need to feel satisfied and supported for the relationship to thrive, so don’t feel bad about making sure your needs are met too.
