Finding out your child is a bully can be shocking and tough to process.
After all, you’ve raised them to be kind, inclusive, and supportive, so where on earth have they learned this behaviour? While you might not be able to get to the bottom of what’s going on right away, it’s important to address the issue early on. As disappointed are you might be in your child and as confused as you likely are about why they’re acting this way, the first and most important step is putting a stop to their bullying. Here’s how to handle this situation with as much calm and control as possible.
1. Recognise the signs without denial.
You can’t act if you don’t acknowledge the problem exists in the first place. It’s easy to dismiss bullying behaviour as “just kids being kids,” but ignoring it only allows it to continue. Look for patterns, such as aggressive behaviour, reports from teachers, or complaints from other parents. By recognising the issue without denial, you take the first step toward accountability. Accepting the situation doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent; it means you’re willing to address the problem head-on to help your child grow.
2. Stay calm and avoid overreacting.
Hearing that your child is bullying other kids can trigger strong emotions like guilt, anger, or embarrassment. However, it’s important to stay calm when addressing the issue. Overreacting can make your child feel defensive or ashamed, which may stop them from opening up. Approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgement, as hard as that might be. It helps create a safe space where your child feels comfortable discussing their behaviour and its underlying causes.
3. Have an honest conversation with your child.
Open communication is important here. Sit down with your child and ask them about what’s been happening, without accusations. Use open-ended questions to encourage them to share their perspective and feelings. Listening without interrupting shows that you’re there to understand, not just to punish. Often, bullying stems from underlying issues, such as insecurity or a need for control, and understanding these triggers is key to addressing the behaviour.
4. Explain the impact of their actions.
Many kids don’t fully understand how their actions affect other people. Help them see things from the victim’s perspective by explaining how bullying can hurt someone emotionally and physically. Use examples they can relate to, like asking how they’d feel if roles were reversed. Making the effects of their behaviour clear encourages empathy. You’re not trying to make them feel guilty here; it’s more about helping them connect their actions to real consequences for other people.
5. Set clear and consistent boundaries.
Kids need structure to understand what’s acceptable. If bullying has been allowed to slide in the past, now is the time to draw clear lines. Be specific about what behaviours are unacceptable and the consequences for crossing those boundaries. Consistency is key. If rules and consequences are enforced unevenly, your child may not take them seriously. Stick to the boundaries you set, and reinforce them with kindness but firmness.
6. Monitor their social interactions.
Pay close attention to your child’s social circle. Sometimes, bullying behaviour is encouraged or normalised by certain peer groups. Understanding who your child spends time with and the dynamics of those relationships can offer insights into their behaviour. If necessary, encourage them to build friendships with peers who model respectful and kind behaviour. That doesn’t mean isolating them, but rather guiding them toward healthier social environments. This is easier the smaller they are, but if they’re living under your roof, you do still have a say in where they go and who they spend time with.
7. Encourage them to take accountability for their actions.
Teaching accountability is a crucial part of addressing bullying. Help your child take responsibility for their actions by encouraging them to apologise to those they’ve hurt. An apology should be sincere and acknowledge the harm caused. This step can be uncomfortable, but is vital for personal growth. Taking accountability helps your child understand that actions have consequences, and it reinforces the importance of repairing damaged relationships.
8. Address any underlying issues.
Bullying often stems from deeper problems like low self-esteem, stress, or struggles at school. Identifying and addressing these root causes can help prevent future incidents. Speak with teachers, counsellors, or other professionals if you suspect these issues are at play. Addressing the root cause doesn’t excuse the behaviour but helps create a plan for positive change. It’s about supporting your child’s emotional and social development so they no longer feel the need to bully other kids.
9. Lead by example and model respectful behaviour at home.
Children often imitate what they see at home. Reflect on how conflict, frustration, or differences are handled in your household. If yelling, teasing, or aggressive behaviour are common, it’s worth re-evaluating those dynamics. By modelling kindness, empathy, and healthy communication, you set a standard for how to treat other people. Your actions teach your child what respect looks like in everyday life.
10. Teach empathy through the things you do together.
Empathy isn’t always innate, but it can be nurtured. Encourage activities that help your child see things from another’s perspective, such as volunteering, caring for a pet, or reading stories that expose them to different experiences. Practical ways to build empathy make it easier for your child to understand how their actions affect other people. Over time, these experiences can reduce the likelihood of bullying behaviour by encouraging compassion.
11. Work closely with teachers and school staff.
Your child’s school is an important partner in addressing bullying. Communicate openly with teachers, counsellors, and administrators to create a unified approach. They can provide valuable insights into your child’s behaviour and the context of the incidents. By working together, you can ensure your child receives consistent messages about respectful behaviour both at home and at school. It’s a team effort that reinforces the importance of positive change and accountability.
12. Praise positive changes.
While it’s important to address negative behaviour, don’t forget to acknowledge progress. If your child takes steps to change — whether it’s apologising, showing kindness, or resolving problems peacefully — praise those efforts sincerely. Positive reinforcement encourages your child to continue making better choices. Highlighting their growth helps them build confidence and reinforces the idea that they’re capable of being respectful and kind.
13. Be patient and stay consistent.
Change takes time, especially when it involves unlearning harmful behaviours. It’s important to be patient with your child and remain consistent in your approach. Expect setbacks but use them as opportunities to reinforce lessons. By showing patience and persistence, you demonstrate your commitment to helping them grow. Over time, your consistent guidance will help them develop healthier ways to interact with others.
