Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids grow up, but it definitely gets more complicated.
Sometimes, your adult children might make choices or become people you don’t particularly like, no matter how much you love them. Here’s how to maintain a close relationship with them even when you’re at odds with the person they are right now.
1. Separate the person from their actions.
Remember that your child is more than just their current behaviour or choices. Focus on the core of who they are, not just what they’re doing right now. Think about their positive qualities and the good times you’ve shared.
2. Set clear boundaries.
It’s okay to establish limits on behaviour you find unacceptable. Communicate these boundaries clearly and enforce them consistently. This doesn’t mean cutting off your child, but rather creating a framework for healthy interactions. Boundaries can actually improve your relationship by reducing conflicts and resentment.
3. Do more active listening.
When your child talks, really listen without interrupting or judging. Try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree. Ask open-ended questions to gain more insight into their thoughts and feelings. The more you do it, the easier it will become to bridge the gap between you.
4. Don’t give advice they haven’t asked for.
It’s tempting to want to fix everything, but constantly giving advice can push your adult child away. Wait for them to ask for your opinion before offering it. If you really can’t help yourself, ask if they’re open to hearing it first. Respecting their autonomy can actually make them more likely to come to you when they need guidance or help.
5. Focus on your own growth.
Instead of trying to change your child, work on yourself. Explore your own interests, address your own issues, and focus on personal growth. This sets a good example and helps you maintain a sense of purpose beyond your role as a parent.
6. Show them unconditional love.
Make sure your child knows you love them, regardless of their choices or achievements. Say “I love you” often, without attaching conditions. Show affection in ways they appreciate. They may not be small anymore, but they still deserve a foundation of security, even when you’re dealing with disagreements or disappointments.
7. Respect their independence.
Acknowledge that your adult child has the right to make their own decisions, even if you disagree with them. Don’t try to control their choices or manipulate outcomes. Respecting their autonomy doesn’t mean approving of everything they do, but it does mean recognising their right to live their own life.
8. Try to understand their perspective.
Try to see things from your child’s point of view. What motivates their choices? What fears or hopes might be driving their behaviour? Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing, but it can help you respond with empathy rather than judgement.
9. Practise forgiveness.
Let go of past fights and disappointments. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing bad behaviour, but it does mean choosing to release negative feelings. This can be a process, so be patient with yourself as you work through it.
10. Find common ground.
Source: Unsplash Look for shared interests or values you can bond over. Even if you disagree on many things, there’s likely something you both enjoy or care about. Focus on these areas when spending time together. Building positive experiences can help balance out the challenging aspects of your relationship.
11. Don’t make comparisons.
Source: Unsplash Don’t compare your child to their siblings, peers, or your own past self. Each person’s journey is unique. Comparisons often lead to resentment and can damage self-esteem. Instead, appreciate your child’s individual path and applaud their unique strengths.
12. Get some support for yourself.
Talk to friends, join a support group, or consider therapy to process your feelings. It’s normal to need help dealing with difficult family dynamics. Having a support system can provide perspective and coping strategies. It can also keep you from overburdening your relationship with your child with all your emotional needs.
13. Choose your battles wisely.
Not every disagreement needs to become a conflict. Decide what issues are truly important and let the smaller things go. Ask yourself if the issue will matter in five years. Doing so can help reduce tension and create a more peaceful relationship. It also shows your child that you’re willing to be flexible and understanding.
14. Try to keep the lines of communication open.
Regular check-ins, whether in person, by phone, or through messages, can help maintain your connection. Be honest about your feelings, but express them calmly and without accusation. Consistent, open communication can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your bond.
15. Lead by example.
Source: Unsplash Model the behaviour and values you’d like to see in your child. Show kindness, responsibility, and integrity in your own life. Your actions speak louder than words, and your example can have a huge influence.
16. Celebrate their wins.
Acknowledge and celebrate your child’s achievements, no matter how small. Show genuine interest and pride in their accomplishments. After all, a bit of positive reinforcement can encourage more positive behaviour and strengthen your relationship. It also proves that you’re paying attention to the good things, not just the aspects you find tough.
