When you’ve done something to hurt or upset someone, it makes sense that it might take them a while to get over it.
You’ve apologised, tried to make amends, and have committed to changing your behaviour and never repeating your mistake, but then they come out with a total heart-stopper: “I’ll never forgive you.” Whether what you did really was that bad or they’ve just taken your misstep extremely hard, it’s tough to know where to go from here. If you want to try to salvage the relationship, your reactions matter. Here’s how to handle the situation in the best possible way. It doesn’t guarantee you’ll be okay in the end, but it definitely increases the chances.
1. Acknowledge how they’re feeling directly.
Saying, “I understand you’re really hurt right now,” validates their emotions and shows genuine empathy. It’s incredibly simple, sure, but it helps calm the immediate tension because it demonstrates you’re not dismissing their feelings. Even if it feels uncomfortable, addressing their emotions directly can often defuse hostility, making the situation feel less intense. Remember, this isn’t admitting fault; it’s simply a step toward understanding each other better.
Once they’ve had time to process, your initial validation often makes your future conversations easier, and opens the door for a more positive discussion later on. It creates space for healing without pushing them too quickly.
2. Offer a clear and sincere apology.
A genuine, straightforward apology like, “I’m truly sorry I hurt you,” can majorly ease conflict. Being direct and honest, rather than trying to justify or explain your actions immediately, shows accountability. When someone is upset, a simple apology can soften their stance because it shows you’re taking their hurt seriously. They might not immediately forgive you, but it lays the groundwork for healing down the line.
Even if forgiveness isn’t immediate, the sincerity of your apology often makes way for further productive conversations. The key is authenticity, and making it clear you’re not trying to dodge responsibility.
3. Offer your willingness to listen.
Saying, “I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk,” gives the other person space without pressuring them into immediate conversation. Offering to listen when they’re comfortable shows respect for their feelings and timing. Often, hurtful fights arise because someone feels unheard, so creating space to listen genuinely is incredibly meaningful. Doing this creates a sense of openness without causing further stress or defensiveness.
Your patience in giving them control over timing can lead to genuine conversations later. It also shows maturity and empathy, both of which lay a foundation for deeper understanding and eventual resolution.
4. Make it clear that you really want to fix things.
Telling them, “I really want to make things better between us,” shows sincerity and openness without pushing for instant forgiveness. Expressing a clear intention to resolve the problem helps reassure the other person that you’re committed to mending the relationship. It can also soften their initial harsh reaction by offering hope that things can improve in the future. Even if the healing process takes time, knowing you’re committed can massively ease their frustration.
Even better, it creates an opportunity for future conversations, making it clear you’re open to rebuilding trust when they’re ready. Just be aware that it might be a while before they get to that point!
5. Ask how you can help, but don’t be pushy about it.
Simply asking, “Is there anything I can do to help?” pushes the conversation toward fixes rather than focusing only on what went wrong. It demonstrates humility, openness, and genuine willingness to resolve the issue. Sometimes people need to feel heard and know you’re open to taking action before they can move past their anger. Even if they don’t respond immediately, the offer alone shows genuine concern and care, creating room for reconciliation later.
Being gentle about it often makes talking it out in the future smoother and more collaborative because it emphasises your willingness to repair the situation.
6. Hold your hands up and admit if you made a mistake.
Saying openly, “You’re right — I messed up,” can seriously reduce hostility because you’re openly acknowledging fault without becoming defensive. Taking clear responsibility for mistakes, rather than deflecting blame, shows strength and integrity, easing tension massively. It can also make the other person feel understood and validated, allowing a more productive conversation later on.
When accountability is clear, emotional barriers naturally start to dissolve, making future discussions easier and less charged. A bit of direct honesty also creates trust, making it easier to work through tough conversations in a calm and respectful manner.
7. Stay calm and avoid defensiveness.
Choosing not to argue or get defensive, even when you strongly disagree, helps prevent the conflict from escalating further. When someone says something hurtful like “I’ll never forgive you,” emotions are usually running high, and responding defensively often worsens things. Keeping calm shows emotional maturity and prevents misunderstandings from deepening.
By maintaining composure, you’re creating space for clearer, calmer conversations to happen later. Staying composed also allows the other person to process their emotions safely, opening the possibility for reconciliation down the road.
8. Accept their need for time.
Expressing, “I don’t expect you to forgive me right away,” respects their feelings and recognises that forgiveness may take time. It shows empathy and understanding, easing pressure on them to resolve things immediately. In the end, going about things in this way also creates a calmer environment for both of you, helping emotions settle naturally over time. Patience in these moments often facilitates genuine healing later.
9. Keep your response simple and respectful.
A short response like, “I hear you,” acknowledges their hurt without overwhelming them with explanations. Its simplicity avoids adding confusion or tension and helps both people step back to cool down. Sometimes, a minimal but genuine response is all that’s needed initially to pave the way for deeper conversation later.
Short, clear replies also reduce the risk of saying something defensive or impulsive, which can unintentionally prolong an argument. The last thing you want to do is make things worse, after all.
10. Admit you’re hurting too.
Sharing honestly, “I’m upset too,” can soften their anger because it humanises you and creates mutual vulnerability. When you admit your feelings, it gently reminds the other person that you’re both affected by the problem, not just one side. It might encourage a more empathetic response, making it easier to find common ground later on.
Showing genuine vulnerability without blaming or accusing the other person can lead to deeper, more productive conversations when both of your emotions have calmed down a little.
11. Offer to come back to the conversation later.
Sometimes, emotions are too intense for a productive conversation. Suggesting, “Can we talk about this when we’re both calmer?” acknowledges the need for space and helps avoid further hurt. Giving both of you room to breathe prevents further escalation and gives everyone time to gather their thoughts clearly.
What’s great about this approach is that it also shows respect for each other’s emotional boundaries, which reduces tension and makes future conversations more effective and less emotionally charged.
12. Validate their anger without judgement.
Expressing, “I understand why you’re angry,” doesn’t mean agreeing entirely with their perspective; rather, it shows you accept their right to feel upset. Validation without judgement reduces their need to defend their emotions, allowing anger to dissipate naturally. This friendly acknowledgment creates a safer emotional space for both of you, easing the path toward eventual reconciliation.
Recognising anger as valid helps reduce tension in a big way, and that makes it all the more likely that you’ll be able to have mature, productive conversations somewhere down the line.
13. Avoid making immediate promises.
When tensions are high, promising immediate change or complete resolution might backfire. Instead, it’s better to calmly say, “I want to make things right, but I know it might take some time.” Being realistic shows sincerity without appearing dismissive or unrealistic. Your honesty also reassures them that you understand the complexity of the situation and are genuinely committed to working things through together, step by step.
13. Remind them you care deeply about the relationship.
Reassuring someone with words like, “Our relationship really matters to me,” reminds them of your shared bond even during conflict. Affirming your care and commitment to them helps soften negative feelings and reminds them of positive experiences you’ve shared together.
When conflict is intense, reminding each other why you care can be incredibly soothing. It makes reconciliation more appealing and possible down the road.
14. Encourage open conversation without pressure.
Saying something like, “I’d love to hear more when you’re comfortable,” gently invites future dialogue without pushing immediate resolution. Showing you’re open but willing to respect their timing demonstrates patience and understanding, helping lower their defensive walls. This also lets the other person control the timing of reconciliation, making the process less stressful and more natural for both of you.
13. Focus on understanding, not immediate resolution.
Rather than quickly trying to fix things, tell them, “I want to understand exactly how you feel.” Pulling focus from immediate resolution to genuine understanding can scale down the conflict in a major way. It makes the other person feel genuinely heard, which is often the first step toward forgiveness. Prioritising mutual understanding, even temporarily above immediate resolution, often leads to healthier and stronger relationships in the long term, ensuring conflicts become productive rather than damaging.
