When someone keeps subtly tearing you down, questioning your abilities, or casting doubt on your ideas, it doesn’t just sting—it starts to chip away at your confidence. Whether it’s at work, in a friendship, or even within your own family, being undermined can feel like fighting an invisible battle. But rising above it doesn’t mean staying silent or letting it slide—it means holding your ground without letting their behaviour define your worth. Here’s how to do that in a way that actually protects your peace.
1. Notice the pattern without minimising it.
If something they say consistently makes you feel small, it’s not a coincidence. Undermining often happens through little comments that leave you second-guessing yourself, but don’t seem big enough to call out. Recognising that pattern is the first step. Don’t brush it off as “just how they are.” If it’s affecting you, it’s worth naming. Even if you don’t confront it straight away, acknowledging the behaviour for what it is stops you from internalising the message.
2. Trust how it makes you feel.
Someone who’s undermining you may act like you’re overreacting or too sensitive, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. If something consistently leaves you feeling diminished or doubting yourself, that’s a valid emotional cue. You don’t need a big, dramatic moment to justify trusting your instincts. If your gut says something’s off, listen to it. That discomfort exists for a reason, and it’s worth exploring.
3. Hold onto your own version of the story.
Underminers often rewrite reality in subtle ways—changing details, questioning your memory, or making you feel like you misunderstood something that was clear at the time. That can leave you feeling confused and unsure of what actually happened. Keep track of what you experienced, even if it’s just mentally. Reminding yourself, “No, that’s not how it went,” is a quiet act of resistance. You don’t always need to win the argument—you just need to stay grounded in your truth.
4. Don’t feed the need for validation.
Trying to prove yourself to someone who’s invested in putting you down is a trap. The more you seek their approval, the more power you give them to shape how you feel about yourself. You’re better off walking away from their need to be right. Focus your energy on doing what you do well—not convincing them to respect it. Some people will only respect you once you stop needing them to.
5. Keep your tone calm and steady.
If you decide to call out their behaviour, how you say it matters more than how forcefully you say it. A calm, grounded tone makes it harder for them to paint you as defensive or emotional. You can say something like, “That didn’t sit right with me,” or “I noticed that you said X—can you clarify what you meant?” You don’t have to be confrontational. Just clear enough to put a mirror up to what they’re doing.
6. Don’t explain yourself more than necessary.
People who try to undermine you will often question your decisions just to keep you off balance. Resist the urge to over-explain—it only gives them more room to pick at what you say. You don’t owe anyone a detailed defence of every choice you make. A simple, “I’m comfortable with my decision,” is often enough. You’re allowed to take up space without defending your right to be there.
7. Put boundaries around how you engage.
If someone’s constantly criticising, nitpicking, or challenging you in a way that feels more personal than productive, it’s okay to stop giving them access to your inner world. Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic—they can be subtle changes.
Maybe you stop sharing certain things with them. Maybe you don’t reply right away. Maybe you keep interactions short. Protecting your peace doesn’t always mean cutting someone off—it can just mean changing how close they’re allowed to stand.
8. Don’t match their energy.
It’s tempting to get snarky, passive-aggressive, or even play the same game back, but that usually leaves you feeling worse, not better. Responding with calm self-respect is more powerful than mirroring pettiness. You can acknowledge what they’re doing without becoming like them. That difference in energy often speaks louder than anything you could say directly. Staying grounded is what keeps you in control.
9. Strengthen your support system.
Undermining feels especially isolating when it’s happening behind the scenes or in subtle ways. Talking to people who know you well and respect your abilities can help you recalibrate your confidence. You don’t need a big group—just one or two people who see you clearly and aren’t buying into the other person’s narrative. A good support system reminds you who you are when someone else is trying to make you forget.
10. Watch for the backhanded compliments.
“I’m surprised you pulled that off” or “You’re actually quite good at this” might sound positive at first, but they’re often meant to eat away at you bit by bit. Comments like that are made to sound supportive while still putting you down. When you hear something like that, you don’t have to play along. You can respond with a neutral “Thanks,” or move on without reacting. You’re not obligated to validate an insult just because it’s disguised as praise.
11. Remember: it’s often not really about you
People who consistently undermine others are usually dealing with their own insecurities. Tearing you down is how they build themselves up. It doesn’t make it okay, but it does mean you don’t need to take it personally. This perspective can be surprisingly freeing. When you stop seeing it as your problem to solve, it’s easier to stop letting their words hold weight. You can care less—not because you’re detached, but because you’ve stopped giving them that much power.
12. Focus on your own growth, not their approval.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep improving, learning, and showing up in your own way. Your progress isn’t about proving anything to them—it’s about proving to yourself that you’re not defined by someone else’s insecurity. The more you focus on your own path, the less their attempts to derail you will matter. You don’t need them to cheer you on. You just need to keep going, regardless of whether they notice or not.
13. Call it what it is (even if only to yourself).
You don’t always need to confront the person outright, but you do need to stop sugarcoating what they’re doing. If someone is undermining you, say it plainly, even if it’s just in your own mind. Calling it by name helps you stop second-guessing whether it’s happening. And once you stop doubting yourself, you take away a lot of the power they had in the first place.
14. Know when to step back completely.
Sometimes, the healthiest option isn’t staying calm or setting firmer boundaries, it’s walking away. If someone keeps undermining you no matter how you handle it, that’s not a dynamic worth staying in. Stepping back doesn’t mean you’ve lost. It means you’ve chosen your well-being over someone else’s games. That’s not weakness—it’s strength with a quiet kind of dignity.
