Setting boundaries isn’t something many of us find easy, but it’s necessary for so many reasons.
If you want to avoid burnout, being walked all over, or simply doing things you find uncomfortable or not very enjoyable, putting limits in place and communicating them clearly to the people in your life is a must. What you don’t want to do is go overboard explaining or justifying those boundaries — you said what you said, and people need to respect it.
1. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
It might feel weird at first, but you don’t always need to justify your decisions. A simple “No, I can’t do that” or “That doesn’t work for me” is enough. You’re not on trial here — you’re just expressing your wants and needs. It takes practise, but it gets easier over time.
2. Have a few go-to phrases for common situations.
Having a mental library of responses can be a lifesaver. Something like “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I’ve got other commitments” can work in lots of situations. When you’ve got these ready to go, you’re less likely to get caught off guard and fall into over-explaining.
3. Avoid the word “sorry” when it’s not necessary.
We tend to throw in apologies when setting boundaries, but this can make us look weak and uncertain (and we’re neither!). Unless you’ve actually done something wrong, there’s no need to say sorry. Instead of “Sorry, I can’t make it,” try “I won’t be able to come.” It’s more direct and doesn’t imply that you’ve done anything to apologise for.
4. Keep your tone neutral and confident.
How you say something is just as important as what you say. Aim for a calm, matter-of-fact tone. If you sound unsure, people might think there’s room for negotiation. Practise saying your boundaries in a mirror if it helps — it might feel silly, but it can really make you more confident.
5. Recognise that you’re not responsible for other people’s reactions.
Sometimes, people might not like your boundaries. Oh well! It’s not your job to manage their feelings. As long as you’re being respectful, how they respond is their responsibility. Don’t feel pressured to change your mind or over-explain just because someone’s upset.
6. Use “I” statements to express your needs.
Framing your boundaries in terms of your own needs or feelings can make them sound less like accusations. Instead of “You’re always interrupting me,” try “I need some uninterrupted time to focus.” It’s harder for people to argue with your personal needs than with statements about their behaviour.
7. Understand that setting boundaries is an act of self-care.
Sometimes we feel guilty about setting boundaries, as if we’re being selfish, but taking care of yourself is necessary. When you set healthy boundaries, you’re looking after yourself, as you should. If you don’t, who will? That’s not just good for you — it’s good for everyone around you, too.
8. Don’t leave room for negotiation if there isn’t any.
If your boundary isn’t flexible, don’t phrase it in a way that suggests it might be. “I don’t think I can swing that” sounds like you could be convinced. If you know you can’t or don’t want to do something, be clear about it. “I can’t do that” leaves no room for debate.
9. Practise the art of the graceful exit.
Sometimes, the best way to avoid over-explaining is to remove yourself from the situation. Having a few exit strategies up your sleeve can be really helpful. “I need to get going now” or “I’ve got to run, but it was great chatting” can help you bow out without getting drawn into lengthy explanations.
10. Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your personal choices.
This is a big one. Your time, your energy, your resources — they belong to you. You get to decide how to use them. You don’t need to justify why you can’t lend money, why you don’t want to go to a party, or why you need some alone time. Your reasons are your own.
11. Use humour when appropriate to deflect pressure.
Source: Unsplash Humour is a great way to break the tension when you’re setting boundaries (not that there should be any tension, but hey ho). Just be careful not to use self-deprecating humour that undermines what you’re saying. A playful “I’d love to, but my Netflix queue won’t watch itself!” can work wonders in the right situation.
12. Stand firm in the face of pushback.
Some people might try to challenge your boundaries by asking for reasons or trying to change your mind. In this situation, just repeat what you said the first time around. “I understand you’re disappointed, but my decision stands.” You don’t need to defend yourself or give any more information.
13. Recognise when someone is trying to bait you into over-explaining.
Sometimes, people will keep asking questions or pushing for explanations as a way to wear you down. If you notice this happening, come back with something like, “I’ve given you my answer, and I don’t have anything else to add.” Then change the subject or end the conversation if needed.
14. Practise self-compassion when setting boundaries feels hard.
Source: Unsplash Setting boundaries, especially without over-explaining, can feel uncomfortable at first. That’s normal. Be kind to yourself as you’re learning. If you slip up and find yourself over-explaining, don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and try again next time.
15. Remember that clear boundaries lead to healthier relationships.
It might feel like setting boundaries could harm your relationships, but the opposite is often true. Clear, respectful boundaries help prevent resentment and misunderstandings. In the long run, good boundaries make for stronger, healthier relationships.
16. Trust that your boundaries are valid, even if other people don’t understand them.
You know yourself best. Your boundaries are based on your needs, experiences, and values. Even if others don’t get it, that doesn’t make your boundaries any less valid or important. Trust yourself and your judgement. You’ve got this.
