Anger is a natural emotion, but letting it consume you can destroy your relationships, health, and peace of mind.
It’s not an excuse to say you have a short fuse or that you can’t control your temper – you have to get your rage under control, or it’s going to wreck your life. Here’s how to calm down and get your life under control.
1. Recognise your triggers.
Get to know what sets off your anger. Is it feeling disrespected, being stuck in traffic, or dealing with incompetence? Identify your top 3–5 triggers and write them down. This isn’t so you can avoid these situations altogether, but so you can mentally prepare yourself ahead of time. When you know a trigger is coming, take some deep breaths and remind yourself to keep your cool.
2. Check your assumptions.
Anger often comes from believing someone wronged you on purpose. But how do you know their intentions? Maybe that person who cut you off in traffic was rushing to the hospital, not trying to disrespect you. Perhaps your partner forgot your anniversary because they’ve been overwhelmed, not because they don’t care. Ask yourself “Is there another explanation?” before assuming the worst.
3. Take a tactical pause.
When you feel the first flicker of anger, don’t charge forward — take a step back. Remove yourself from the situation if you can, even if it’s just for a minute. Go for a quick walk, splash some cold water on your face, or count backwards from ten. A brief interruption can be enough to stop anger from flaring up and help you collect yourself.
4. Release the tension.
Anger manifests physically, so get that negative energy out of your body. Go for a hard run, do some push-ups, or have a good cry — whatever helps discharge that pent-up emotion. Physical activity boosts endorphins, too, which will help improve your mood. Just don’t take it out on other people or objects. The goal is to relieve the tension, not create more drama.
5. Use “I” statements.
When you’re angry with someone, it’s tempting to attack and blame. But this just makes the other person defensive. Instead, use “I” statements to communicate how you feel. For example, “I felt disrespected when you showed up late” instead of “You’re so inconsiderate!” This allows you to express your anger clearly and directly, without inflammatory accusations.
6. Set firm boundaries.
Anger often comes from feeling taken advantage of or not having your needs met. Prevent this by clearly communicating your boundaries in advance. Let your mate know you need a night out with friends each week. Tell your boss you won’t answer emails on weekends. People aren’t mind readers, so spell out what you need. But also be willing to compromise and respect people’s boundaries too.
7. Look for solutions, not someone to blame.
In the heat of anger, all you can focus on is who’s at fault. But playing the blame game keeps you stuck. Instead of figuring out who to point the finger at, channel that energy into brainstorming solutions. What can you do to improve the situation or prevent the problem from happening again? You’ll feel empowered and more in control.
8. Try a grounding technique.
When your anger starts rising, ground yourself in the present moment. Focus on your senses. What do you see, smell, hear and feel right now? Describe a mundane object in detail, like a coffee mug or pencil. This takes you out of your racing thoughts and emotions and settles you back into reality. It may feel silly at first, but stick with it — this technique can work wonders.
9. Challenge your irrational thoughts.
Anger can make us think in dramatic, irrational ways, like “Everything is ruined!” or “I can’t stand this!” But these thoughts only amp up our emotions. Get in the habit of questioning these beliefs. Is the situation really that dire or irreparable? Look for evidence to the contrary. No catastrophising or wallowing allowed. Keep your thoughts based on facts, not exaggerated by anger.
10. Remember what really matters.
Will this thing you’re angry about still upset you next week? Next year? A decade from now? Probably not. Keep a big picture perspective and don’t let petty things steal your peace. Let go of needing to be right or win every battle. Ask yourself, “Is this really worth staying angry over?” If not, take a deep breath and focus your time and energy on what truly matters to you.
11. Stop venting and rehashing all the time.
When we’re angry, we want to tell anyone who’ll listen why we’re justified in feeling this way. But constant venting just keeps you focused on the problem and riled up. Rehashing the situation over and over is like picking a scab — it feels good in the moment but prevents the wound from healing. Once you’ve calmly expressed your frustration to someone you trust, it’s time to shift your attention elsewhere.
12. Practise a bit of gratitude.
It’s hard to stay angry when reflecting on your blessings. Keep a gratitude journal and write down a few things you appreciate each morning or night. Stop throughout the day and notice small things you enjoy — a delicious meal, a call from a friend, a cosy bed to sleep in. This trains your brain to focus on the good. The more you appreciate what’s right in your life, the less those anger triggers can get under your skin.
13. Know when to get help.
Sometimes, anger can be a mask for deep-seated pain, trauma, grief, or depression. If your anger feels uncontrollable, scares you or negatively impacts your life, it may be a sign of something more serious going on. There’s no shame in reaching out for backup. Consider talking to a counsellor or anger management professional to get to the root of the issue. With the right support and tools, you can conquer even the most formidable anger problems. You’ve got this.
