Growing up feeling isolated, misunderstood, or emotionally neglected leaves a mark that doesn’t just vanish when you hit adulthood, sadly.
Even when your life looks better on the outside, that deep sense of loneliness can linger quietly underneath everything. However, there’s still hope because feeling alone isn’t a life sentence. In fact, it’s something you can gradually start to change bit by bit. Doing these things can help you stop feeling so alone when a tough childhood made loneliness feel like your default setting.
1. Start small with connections—and yes, even tiny ones count.
When you’ve spent years feeling disconnected, the idea of “finding your people” can feel overwhelming. Start smaller. Smile at a neighbour. Chat with the cashier. DM someone you admire online. Tiny interactions build trust over time. Each small moment reminds your brain that connection doesn’t have to be huge or scary to matter. It’s these little ripples that eventually turn into real waves of belonging if you give them time and consistency.
2. Let yourself belong to places, not just people.
Sometimes the first step to feeling less alone isn’t finding the perfect friend; it’s finding places where you feel like you fit. Maybe it’s a cosy coffee shop, a gym where the staff learn your name, or a library you love. Belonging to a space gives your brain the safety it needs to relax and open up, even before you build deep relationships. It’s about creating a backdrop where connection feels possible again.
3. Take yourself on casual outings you don’t overthink.
Alone time can either feel freeing or crushing, depending on how you frame it. Instead of treating solo days like a failure, make them an adventure. Wander a bookshop, hit up a new food market, explore a museum with no timeline. Doing things alone, and enjoying them, rebuilds your relationship with yourself. It changes loneliness into self-reliance and reminds you that you’re actually pretty good company when you give yourself the chance.
4. Find “your people” by following your interests first.
Instead of trying to hunt down friends directly, chase the things you love. Join the art class. Show up at the poetry slam. Volunteer for the cause that lights you up. When you lead with passion, connection follows naturally. It’s so much easier to bond when you already share something you both care about. Plus, it takes the pressure off—you’re there to do something you enjoy, not audition for friendship.
5. Let imperfect connections still count.
Source: Unsplash After a rough childhood, you might crave perfect, soulmate-level connections, and nothing less feels like it’ll fix the emptiness. Of course, the truth is, good-enough connections can still feed your soul in real ways. Not every conversation has to be profound. Not every friendship has to be forever. Letting casual, imperfect relationships matter helps soften that lonely feeling without putting impossible pressure on anyone, including yourself.
6. Keep a “proof of connection” journal.
When loneliness tells you that you’re invisible, keeping a tiny record of every warm interaction—a smile, a kind text, a thoughtful question—gives you evidence that connection is happening, even when your brain tries to convince you otherwise. It sounds silly, but seeing those moments written down builds a case against the old stories your loneliness likes to repeat. Little by little, it rewires your understanding of what’s real.
7. Practise saying “yes” to low-stakes invites.
When you’re feeling isolated, it’s easy to turn down casual invites without thinking—“I’m too tired,” “I wouldn’t fit in,” “It’s not worth it.” However, sometimes saying yes to small opportunities opens unexpected doors. You don’t have to stay for hours or pretend to be someone you’re not. Just showing up, even briefly, gives loneliness less space to grow, and gives connection more chances to sneak in through the cracks.
8. Be the one who reaches out (even when it feels awkward).
It’s scary to send the first text or suggest a hangout, especially if you’re used to being the forgotten one. The thing is, reaching out doesn’t mean you’re desperate—it means you’re brave enough to go first sometimes. Connection usually requires a little risk. And more often than not, people are grateful you made the move. Most folks are lonelier than they admit, and they’re just waiting for someone to crack the ice.
9. Create small rituals that make you feel connected.
Maybe it’s a weekly phone call with a cousin, a monthly dinner with friends, or even just sending a “thinking of you” text every Sunday. Tiny rituals build structure around connection. Loneliness thrives in randomness and isolation. Rituals give you points to look forward to and remind your heart that reaching out and being remembered can be normal, not rare.
10. Stop assuming everyone else has it figured out.
Loneliness often convinces you that everyone else is part of some secret club you missed out on. However, even people with bustling social lives feel isolated sometimes—they’re just better at hiding it. Realising that loneliness is way more common than it looks eases some of the shame and self-blame. You’re not uniquely broken; you’re just experiencing something profoundly human.
11. Let yourself mourn the connections you didn’t get growing up.
You can’t build healthy connection on top of buried grief. If you needed affection, understanding, or presence that you never got as a kid, it’s okay—necessary, even—to mourn that loss. Letting yourself grieve gives you space to stop chasing something old in every new relationship. It helps you move forward with more clarity about what you actually want now, not what you’re trying to fix from the past.
12. Understand that connection is built, not found.
Movies sell us the fantasy that perfect connection just happens—a look across the room, a shared laugh, instant friendship. In reality, connection is something you build over time, through consistency, vulnerability, and trust. Knowing this keeps you from giving up too quickly when new relationships feel awkward at first. Building something real takes time, patience, and a lot of imperfect but meaningful steps forward.
13. Let pets, art, and nature count as connection too.
Not all connection has to be with people. Deep bonds with pets, meaningful moments in nature, and expressing yourself through art all create real emotional links that nourish you. If human connection feels hard to find right now, it’s okay to let these other forms of connection fill part of the gap. They’re not lesser. They’re real, beautiful ways your heart stays open while you’re still finding your people.
14. Get okay with being “too much” or “too quiet” for some people.
One of the biggest lingering wounds from a rough childhood is feeling like you have to shrink yourself or shape-shift to be loved. However, real connection only happens when you’re your full self, messy edges and all. Not everyone will get you, and that’s fine. Your job isn’t to be universally accepted. It’s to be genuine enough that the right people can find you, and love you for exactly who you are.
15. Remind yourself daily: you’re allowed to belong.
Maybe no one taught you that you deserved connection growing up. Maybe you had to survive by keeping your heart small and hidden. But now, you get to rewrite that story. You’re allowed to take up emotional space. You’re allowed to pursue and build connection. You’re allowed to belong, not because you earned it, but because you’re human. That truth is the foundation everything else can grow from, even if it takes a little time to fully believe it.
