You like someone a lot — in fact, they’d be perfect… if it wasn’t for that one little thing about them you hate.
You might be tempted to think you can change them, or mould them into your ideal partner or friend. However, if you’ve tried this before, you probably already know that just doesn’t work. Instead of wasting your time and energy trying to rewire their behaviour, here’s how to change your response to it.
1. Accept that you can’t control other people, only yourself.
Accepting this fundamental truth is the first step towards peace of mind. It’s frustrating, but ultimately liberating to realise that the only person you have real control over is yourself. Once you come to terms with this, you can start focusing your energy on more productive things.
2. Practise mindfulness to become aware of your reactions.
Pay attention to how you respond emotionally and physically to the person’s behaviour. Mindfulness can help you notice your reactions without immediately acting on them. Weirdly enough, awareness creates space for you to choose a different response.
3. Set clear boundaries for yourself.
Instead of trying to change the other person, decide what you will and won’t accept in your relationship. Communicate these boundaries clearly and enforce them consistently. This puts the focus on your actions rather than theirs.
4. Reframe the situation in your mind.
Try to see the person’s behaviour from a different perspective. Maybe they’re acting out due to stress or insecurity. Reframing doesn’t make the way they act okay or acceptable, but it can help you respond with more empathy and less frustration.
5. Practise empathy without excusing the behaviour.
Try to understand where the person is coming from, even if you don’t agree with their actions. Empathy doesn’t mean you have to accept or like their behaviour. It’s about understanding, not approval.
6. Focus on your own personal growth.
Instead of fixating on changing someone else, channel that energy into your own development. What can you learn from this situation? How can you grow as a person? Shifting your focus can be oddly empowering and productive.
7. Use “I” statements when communicating.
When discussing the behaviour, focus on how it affects you rather than accusing or blaming. For example, “I feel frustrated when…” instead of “You always…”. They’re less likely to get defensive, and may actually be willing to hear you out and take what you’re saying seriously.
8. Learn to accept the things you can’t change.
It’s a classic step in 12-step programs for a reason — it’s important. Sometimes, we need to accept that certain behaviours or situations won’t change. This doesn’t mean you like it, but accepting reality can reduce your stress and help you respond more calmly.
9. Develop coping strategies for stressful situations.
Source: Unsplash Have a toolkit of techniques to help you stay calm when faced with challenging behaviour. This might include deep breathing, counting to 10, or excusing yourself for a short break. Whatever strategies work for you, hold tight to them — they can help you manage your response in the moment.
10. Get support and advice from people you trust.
Source: Unsplash Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about how you’re feeling. They might offer new perspectives or coping strategies. Don’t be ashamed of needing a bit of insight and guidance — asking for it shows how strong you are, not how weak.
11. Practise self-care to build resilience.
Source: Unsplash Take care of your physical and mental health to build up your resilience. When you’re well-rested and feeling good, you’re better equipped to handle challenging behaviours without letting them affect you as much.
12. Reflect on why the behaviour bothers you so much.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, behaviours that irritate us reflect something we don’t like about ourselves. Take time to reflect on why you’re so affected. Again, this self-awareness can lead to personal growth and a change in your response.
13. Choose your battles wisely.
Source: Unsplash Ask yourself if this behaviour is truly worth your energy and emotional investment. Some things might not be worth addressing, while others are important to your mental, emotional, and/or physical health. Learning to differentiate can help you respond more effectively.
14. Learn to detach when necessary.
Source: Unsplash In some cases, emotionally detaching from the situation can be helpful. This doesn’t mean being cold or uncaring, but rather not letting the behaviour affect you personally. It’s about maintaining your emotional balance.
15. Focus on the positives in your relationship or conversation.
Source: Unsplash While it’s easy to fixate on annoying behaviours, try to balance this by acknowledging positive aspects of the person or situation. This can help you maintain perspective and respond from a more positive mindset.
16. Be patient with yourself as you learn to respond differently.
Changing your responses takes time and practice. Be kind to yourself if you slip into old patterns occasionally. Learning new ways of responding is a process, and every step forward is progress. Celebrate small successes along the way.
