When someone’s cut off from their family, or their family cut them off, it’s not just something they get over.
It’s an ongoing thing that can be complicated, emotional, and messy in ways most people don’t really understand. Whether it happened because of abuse, boundaries, or just years of feeling misunderstood, estrangement can carry a weird mix of relief, guilt, loneliness, and grief. If you’ve got a friend going through it, here’s how to really be there for them without making it awkward or worse.
1. Don’t try to “fix” the situation.
It might be tempting to say things like “Maybe they’ll come around” or “You should talk to them again.” But that puts pressure on your friend and makes it sound like they’ve done something wrong by walking away. Instead of pushing for reconciliation, support their decision. Trust that they’ve thought about this more than you ever will. Sometimes the healthiest choice is distance, even if it doesn’t look that way from the outside.
2. Let them talk about it on their terms.
Some people want to vent, while others don’t want to bring it up at all. Either way, don’t push for details or make them explain the backstory unless they want to. Make it clear the door’s open if they ever feel like talking. You don’t need all the facts to be a good friend — you just need to be someone who listens without judgement.
3. Don’t compare their experience to yours.
Even if you’ve had a rough time with your own family, it’s not the same. Everyone’s story is different, and comparing traumas can feel invalidating without meaning to. This isn’t a pain competition. Just focus on being present for what they’re feeling now — not how it measures up to anything you’ve been through.
4. Be mindful around family talk.
Chatting about your parents, holidays with your siblings, or funny things your gran said might seem harmless, but depending on your friend’s mood, it can land a bit heavy. You don’t need to tiptoe constantly, but be aware. If they go quiet or seem off when family stuff comes up, check in. A little sensitivity goes a long way.
5. Don’t assume they’re “broken” or unstable.
Estrangement doesn’t mean your friend is damaged or incapable of healthy relationships. It usually means they got tired of being mistreated, dismissed, or constantly let down. Treat them like a whole person, not someone who needs fixing or constant emotional support. They’re not defined by what they’ve cut off—they’re making room for better connections.
6. Respect their boundaries without questioning them.
If they say they don’t want to talk to a family member again, believe them. Don’t ask “What if they apologise?” or “What if they change?” unless your friend brings it up. Boundaries are there for a reason—often after years of them being ignored. Your role is to support them, not to poke holes in their decisions.
7. Don’t guilt them with tradition-based expectations.
Comments like “But it’s your mum” or “Family is everything” might sound innocent, but they come with a heavy side of judgement. Not everyone’s family is loving or safe. Remind yourself that traditions don’t trump someone’s mental health — and not all “blood ties” are worth holding onto.
8. Offer specific support during holidays.
Christmas, Mother’s Day, and birthdays can all hurt in ways people don’t talk about. Your friend might feel like they don’t belong in the usual festive plans. Ask them if they want to do something low-key, come to your gathering, or just hang out. Sometimes it’s the little invitations that make a big difference in those weird emotional pockets of the year.
9. Don’t push them to explain to other people.
If they come to an event or gathering and someone asks about their family, don’t expect them to launch into the full story. They don’t owe anyone an explanation. If it feels appropriate, you can run a bit of interference. A quick “They’re keeping things private” or steering the convo elsewhere can help take the pressure off without drama.
10. Ask what support actually looks like for them.
Everyone needs different things. Some people just want space to be themselves. Others need a chosen family, practical help, or simply someone to sit with when things feel heavy. Instead of guessing, ask:,“What would be helpful right now?” It shows you’re not just being nice—you genuinely care about how to show up in the way that works best for them.
11. Avoid playing devil’s advocate.
Even if you think you’re being fair by saying, “Well, maybe your dad was just trying his best,” it can feel like you’re defending someone who hurt them. You don’t need to take sides, but don’t undercut their story either. Let them feel what they feel — even if you don’t fully understand the family dynamics.
12. Understand it’s not always permanent, but it might be.
Some estrangements are temporary. Others are for life. The point is, it’s not your call, and you don’t need to treat it like a “problem” that needs resolving. Accepting where they’re at, without pressure or hope for a fairytale ending, makes you someone they can actually trust, and that’s what counts most.
13. Celebrate the chosen family they’ve built.
Whether it’s a close-knit friend group, a partner’s family, or just one or two ride-or-dies, those bonds deserve just as much celebration as any blood ties. Remind your friend they’re not alone. Highlight the love they’ve surrounded themselves with. It might not look traditional, but it can still be solid, loyal, and deeply meaningful.
14. Just be consistent.
You don’t have to say the perfect thing or always have the right emotional toolkit. What matters most is just showing up, over and over again. Estrangement can feel isolating. So if you’re one of the people who sticks around without making it weird, you’re already doing something really good. Keep being that kind of friend.
