Bringing up a partner’s drinking habits is always going to be a sensitive situation.
You don’t want to sound like you’re nagging, but you also can’t ignore it if their alcohol use is affecting them, or your relationship. Whether it’s frequent drinking, bingeing, or just habits that seem to be getting out of hand, the conversation needs to happen. The tough part is making sure it’s productive, not defensive. Here’s how to approach it in a way that keeps the discussion open, honest, and (hopefully) drama-free. If they care about their health and your partnership, they’ll want to hear you out.
1. Pick the right time (not when they’re drinking).
Bringing up their drinking while they’re actually drinking is not a great idea, for obvious reasons. It’s way more likely to turn into an argument, get brushed off, or end in them being defensive. Wait until they’re sober and in a good headspace to talk. A calm, private setting where neither of you is stressed or distracted gives you the best chance of having a real conversation.
2. Keep it about concern, not criticism.
Starting the conversation with “You always drink too much” or “You need to stop” is a sure way to make them shut down. No one likes to feel attacked, even if you’re coming from a place of love. Instead, focus on how their drinking makes you feel. Saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately, and I’m a little worried” keeps the conversation open rather than putting them on the defensive.
3. Avoid labels like “alcoholic” or “problem drinker.”
Even if you’re worried that their drinking is becoming a real issue, throwing around labels like “alcoholic” can make them instantly defensive. It’s a heavy word, and most people will reject it outright. Instead, talk about behaviour and patterns. Saying, “I’ve noticed you seem to need a drink to relax” or “I feel like you’re drinking more than you used to” makes it easier for them to reflect rather than just argue back.
4. Use “I” statements to keep it personal.
This is some of the oldest communication advice in the book, and for good reason. It’s easy for this conversation to sound like an accusation, which makes it harder for them to really hear you. One way to soften it is to focus on how their drinking affects you. Instead of “You’re always drinking too much,” try something like “I feel uncomfortable when we’re out, and you drink a lot” or “I feel worried when I see you drinking so often.” It shifts the tone from blame to personal impact.
5. Be prepared for a defensive reaction.
Even if you approach it gently, there’s still a chance they’ll get defensive. No one likes to feel judged, and it’s natural for people to push back when they feel criticised. If they do get defensive, try not to escalate it. Instead of arguing, let them talk, and calmly restate that you’re coming from a place of concern, not blame.
6. Ask, don’t assume.
You might think you know why they’re drinking more, but assumptions can make things worse. Instead of making statements like, “You’re drinking because you’re stressed,” ask open-ended questions. Try something like, “Do you think you’ve been drinking more than usual?” or “Is there something going on that’s making you want to drink more?” It gives them a chance to open up instead of feeling like they have to defend themselves.
7. Avoid making comparisons.
Bringing up other people — whether it’s “You drink more than your friends” or “My dad used to drink like this” — isn’t helpful. It just shifts the focus away from the actual conversation. Every person’s relationship with alcohol is different, so keep the discussion about them, not other people. It makes it more personal and harder to brush off.
8. Acknowledge the good times too.
If drinking is a regular part of your relationship, like enjoying wine together on date nights, it helps to acknowledge that, rather than acting like all drinking is bad. Something like, “I love when we have a drink together, but I’ve noticed it’s happening more often, and I’m worried” keeps it from feeling like an attack and makes it clear you’re not against drinking altogether.
9. Don’t expect immediate agreement.
Even if they listen, don’t expect them to suddenly say, “You’re right, I’ll stop drinking so much.” Changing habits takes time, and people need to process things at their own pace. If they don’t respond how you’d hoped, don’t see it as a failure. The first conversation plants the seed—sometimes, they just need time to think about it.
10. Be specific about what concerns you.
Instead of making general statements like “I think you drink too much,” point out specific moments that have worried you. It makes the conversation more concrete and harder to dismiss. For example, “I noticed you had a lot to drink last weekend, and you weren’t yourself” or “You seemed really out of it after that work event” makes it clearer why you’re bringing it up.
11. Offer support, not ultimatums.
If you want them to hear you, avoid things like, “If you don’t stop drinking, I can’t do this anymore.” While boundaries are important, framing it as a demand can backfire. Instead, offer to support them: “If you ever want to cut down, I’d be happy to do it with you” or “If you need to talk about anything, I’m here.” It makes it feel like a team effort, not an attack.
12. Understand that drinking habits are personal.
Some people use alcohol as a coping mechanism, some drink out of habit, and for others, it’s just part of their social life. Whatever the reason, cutting back isn’t always easy. Be patient if they don’t immediately change. The goal isn’t to control their behaviour, but to help them become more aware of it.
13. Set your own boundaries.
While you can’t force them to change, you can decide what you’re comfortable with. If their drinking is affecting you, setting boundaries is important. That could mean saying, “I don’t feel comfortable being around you when you’re really drunk” or “I’d rather we didn’t drink at home as often.” It’s about protecting your own well-being, too.
14. Keep the conversation open-ended.
This isn’t a one-time talk; it’s an ongoing discussion. Even if they brush it off now, they might start noticing their habits later and come back to the conversation. Keeping the door open with a simple “I just want to check in with you about this again sometime” lets them know you’re not judging, just genuinely concerned.
15. Know when to get some professional help.
Source: Unsplash If their drinking is becoming a real issue, and they’re unwilling to acknowledge it, there may come a point where you need outside support, whether that’s professional help, a support group, or even just advice from someone you trust. You can’t force someone to change, but you also don’t have to handle it alone. If their alcohol use is affecting your relationship or their health, getting guidance can help you navigate the situation with more clarity.
Talking about drinking can feel awkward, but the way you approach it makes all the difference. Keeping it calm, supportive, and free of judgment increases the chances of an open and honest conversation — one that can actually lead to change rather than just another argument.
