They say when you marry someone, you marry not just your partner, but their entire family too.
Sometimes this is a boon, especially if they have a great family who welcomes you in as one of their own. However, if your partner’s parents are, shall we say, kind of obnoxious, it can be more of a challenge. Maybe they meddle in your relationship too much, have too many opinions about things that don’t concern them, or simply aren’t very nice to be around. Whatever the case, figuring out how to communicate this with your partner is easier said than done. Here’s how to broach the topic without upsetting them too much.
1. Tell a relatable story.
Instead of diving straight into your frustrations, start by sharing a relatable story or example of someone else dealing with tricky in-laws. It can help your partner view the situation objectively and ease into the conversation without feeling attacked. This way, they can process the message without immediately feeling defensive.
2. Use humour to break the ice.
If the tension feels high, light-hearted humour can be a useful tool. A playful comment like, “I didn’t realise I was marrying into a reality show!” can soften the conversation and open a window to talk about the issue seriously. Humour helps ease discomfort while getting your point across.
3. Frame it as a “team challenge.”
Instead of making it “you versus them,” present it as a challenge for both of you to handle together. Say something like, “How can we make our time with your parents more enjoyable?” Going about things this way makes your partner feel like you’re tackling the problem as a team, not attacking them.
4. Highlight how it affects you, not just the relationship.
Be clear about how their parents’ behaviour impacts your mood or mental health, not just your relationship. For example, “I feel drained when your mum makes those comments” or “I get anxious before every visit.” Focusing on your personal experience can make the issue feel more human and relatable.
5. Plan a “venting-free” trial visit.
Propose a short, specific period of time to visit your partner’s parents where you promise to keep things positive. Afterward, sit down together and reflect on how it went. A trial run gives your partner a chance to see the issues you’ve been mentioning and invites a constructive follow-up conversation.
6. Use the “compliment sandwich” method.
Start by mentioning something positive about their parents, then express your concern, and end with another positive. For example, “Your dad’s really thoughtful, but when he criticises our choices, it’s tough for me. I do appreciate how much he cares, though.” It keeps the conversation balanced and fair.
7. Talk about shared boundaries, not just yours.
Frame boundaries as something that benefits both of you, not just something you need. Say, “I think we’d both feel better if we set some limits on unplanned visits” instead of “I can’t handle your parents dropping by.” This makes it feel less like a personal complaint and more like a joint decision.
8. Use “future-focused” language.
Instead of harping on past annoyances, talk about what you want for the future. For instance, “I’d love for our weekends to feel more relaxing — how can we make visits with your parents less stressful?” You’re being proactive here, which feels constructive and avoids dredging up old drama.
9. Compare it to your own family dynamics.
Sharing how you manage issues with your own family can open up the conversation. For example, “When my mum gets too involved, I tell her gently to back off — maybe we can find a way to do the same with your parents.” It shows you understand family dynamics and aren’t just singling out their parents.
10. Make it about “protecting your bubble.”
Talk about protecting your shared space or peace of mind, like a bubble that needs preserving. Say, “I love the little bubble we’ve created — how can we make sure your parents don’t pop it?” This metaphor can soften the conversation and make the goal feel more mutual.
11. Ask for their perspective first.
Before sharing your frustrations, ask how they feel about their parents’ behaviour. “Do you ever feel like your mum pushes boundaries?” or “Does your dad’s advice ever get to you?” Their answers can open the door for you to express your own feelings more comfortably.
12. Use a “what-if” scenario to test the waters.
Frame your concern as a hypothetical to see how they feel. For instance, “What if someone’s parents were a bit too involved — how do you think that should be handled?” It can help you gauge their thoughts and make it easier to transition into your real concern.
13. Acknowledge that family is complicated.
Start by recognising that family relationships are rarely simple. “I know your parents mean well, and family is complicated, but I’m struggling with a few things. Can we talk about it?” This validates their experience and sets a respectful tone for the conversation.
