If your relationships are struggling, your communication style might be the problem. How you talk to people, respond to them, and share your thoughts and feelings goes a long way not only in resolving issues when they crop up, but in helping maintain and strengthen your bonds with the people you’re closest to. If you relate to any of the following, you may need to brush up on your communication skills.
1. You’re always waiting for your turn to talk.
If you find yourself mentally rehearsing what you’re going to say next instead of actively listening to your partner, you’re not really communicating. You’re just waiting for your chance to perform. Real communication is about give and take, about being fully present in the moment and responding to what your partner is saying. If you’re more focused on crafting your next witty retort than understanding their perspective, you’re sabotaging the very foundation of healthy communication.
2. Your default response to conflict is to give the silent treatment.
When you’re upset, do you shut down and give your partner the cold shoulder? The silent treatment may feel like a way to punish them or communicate your displeasure, but it’s actually a toxic communication habit. It leaves your partner feeling isolated, confused, and frustrated. It’s a manipulative tactic that does nothing to resolve the underlying issue. If you need some time to cool off before discussing a problem, say so directly. But using silence as a weapon is a surefire way to damage your relationship.
3. You’re always right (even when you’re really not).
Do you approach disagreements with the attitude that you’re right and your partner is wrong? Do you dismiss their opinions or refuse to consider their perspective? This kind of my-way-or-the-highway mentality is a communication killer. It tells your partner that you don’t value their thoughts and feelings, that you’re not interested in finding a mutual understanding. If you want your relationship to thrive, you need to be open to the idea that you might be wrong sometimes, that your partner’s viewpoint is just as valid as yours.
4. You bring up past fights/wrongdoings a lot.
When you’re in the middle of an argument, do you find yourself bringing up past conflicts or old wounds? This is a toxic communication habit that quickly derails any productive discussion. It tells your partner that you’ve been keeping score, that you’re not interested in resolving the current issue but in proving how they’ve wronged you in the past. If you want to have healthy communication, you need to stay focused on the present problem. Deal with one issue at a time, and leave the past in the past.
5. You love to point the finger.
When something goes wrong in your relationship, is your first instinct to point the finger at your partner? Do you find yourself saying things like “you always” or “you never”? This kind of blaming language puts your partner on the defensive and shuts down productive communication. It tells them that you’re more interested in assigning fault than finding a solution. If you want to improve your communication, focus on using “I” statements that express your own feelings and experiences, rather than accusations that attack your partner’s character.
6. You don’t express your needs.
Do you expect your partner to read your mind and know what you need without you having to tell them? This is a recipe for disappointment and resentment. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and it’s not their job to guess what you need. If you want your relationship to thrive, you have to be direct about communicating your needs and desires. This means being vulnerable and honest, even when it’s scary. It means trusting your partner to hear you and respond with care and understanding.
7. You use “you” statements.
When you’re expressing a concern or frustration, do you frame it in terms of what your partner is doing wrong? “You always leave your dishes in the sink,” “you never make time for me.” This kind of “you-focused” language comes across as an attack, putting your partner on the defensive. Instead, try using “I” statements that focus on your own feelings and experiences. “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is a mess,” “I miss spending quality time with you.” This kind of language invites your partner to empathize with you and work towards a solution together.
8. You don’t ask questions.
Do you find yourself dominating conversations with your own stories and opinions, rarely pausing to ask your partner about their thoughts and experiences? This one-sided communication style tells your partner that you’re not really interested in them, that you value your own voice more than theirs. If you want to improve your communication, make a conscious effort to ask your partner questions. Show genuine curiosity about their perspective, their feelings, their day-to-day life. This kind of active interest is the foundation of intimate, connected communication.
9. You’re always multitasking.
When you’re talking with your partner, are you also scrolling through your phone, watching TV, or mentally making your grocery list? This kind of divided attention sends the message that your partner isn’t your priority, that they’re not worthy of your full focus. If you want to communicate effectively, you need to be fully present in your conversations. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and give your partner your undivided attention. Show them that what they have to say matters to you.
10. You jump to conclusions.
Do you find yourself assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling without actually asking them? Do you interpret their words or actions through your own lens of insecurity or past hurts? This kind of assumptive communication is a fast track to misunderstandings and conflict. If you’re not sure what your partner means or where they’re coming from, ask for clarification. Give them the opportunity to express themselves fully, without jumping to conclusions or filling in the blanks with your own assumptions.
11. You don’t communicate appreciation.
When was the last time you told your partner what you appreciate about them? If expressing gratitude and affirmation isn’t a regular part of your communication, you’re missing out on a powerful relationship-building tool. We all want to feel seen, valued, and appreciated by our partners. Make it a habit to regularly communicate what you love and admire about your partner. This kind of positive reinforcement nurtures a culture of appreciation in your relationship, making it easier to navigate conflicts when they arise.
12. You use absolutes.
Do you find yourself using words like “always,” “never,” “everything,” or “nothing” when you’re expressing frustration with your partner? “You never listen to me,” “you always forget important dates.” This kind of absolute language is rarely accurate and always inflammatory. It puts your partner on the defensive and shuts down productive dialogue. Instead, try to use more specific and measured language. “I felt unheard during our conversation last night,” “I was hurt when you forgot our anniversary.” This kind of concrete, event-specific communication is more likely to lead to understanding and resolution.
13. You don’t follow through.
Do you make promises or commitments during conversations with your partner, but then fail to follow through on them? This kind of inconsistency between your words and your actions erodes trust and undermines effective communication. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you commit to a change or a course of action, follow through. Show your partner that your words have weight, that they can count on you to be true to your word. This kind of reliability is essential for building the trust and security that allows for open, honest communication.
