If you have a friend who’s neurodivergent, it’s not always easy to tell when they’re having a hard time.
You might assume they’re just being flaky, moody, or pulling away, but in reality, it could be them hitting a wall and feeling unable to say so out loud (or even recognise it in themselves). The good thing is that if you know what signs to look for, you can show up with more understanding and a lot less frustration. Here are some red flags to look out for that might mean they need a little extra help.
1. They stop replying, even though they usually try to stay connected.
If someone who normally makes an effort to check in or reply goes quiet for longer than usual, it’s worth noticing. This isn’t them being rude; it’s often a sign they’ve hit emotional or sensory burnout and don’t have the energy to respond. The silence isn’t about you. They might genuinely want to connect, but just can’t manage the effort it takes right now. A low-pressure check-in or simple “thinking of you” message can mean more than you realise.
2. They suddenly cancel plans they were excited about.
When a neurodivergent friend backs out last minute, even from something they looked forward to—it’s often because they’re overstimulated or emotionally flooded, not because they’ve changed their mind. They might’ve hit a sensory limit or hit a day when the thought of socialising feels impossible. It’s not flakiness or disinterest. It’s their brain and body saying, “Not today.”
3. Their usual routines or habits seem to disappear.
If they’re someone who usually has a structure—whether it’s their skincare routine or the way they always eat at the same time, and suddenly those things vanish, that’s a flag. They may be struggling to keep up with basic tasks because everything feels overwhelming. What looks like a lack of motivation might actually be executive dysfunction or emotional overload.
4. They start seeming snappy or overly blunt.
If their tone changes, or they seem more irritable, it might be easy to assume they’re being short on purpose. The thing is, often, that change is a sign they’re running low on internal capacity and can’t filter as well as usual. It’s not personal; it’s survival mode. Their responses may feel sharper, but it’s usually because they’re overstimulated, anxious, or trying to manage a lot behind the scenes.
5. They stop masking as much around you.
Masking is the effort it takes to appear “typical” in social settings—something many neurodivergent people do without even realising. When they stop masking, it often means they’re out of steam, not that they’ve stopped caring. You might notice more stimming, less eye contact, or more obvious signs of overwhelm. That’s not them slipping up. It’s them reaching their limit and letting themselves breathe, even if it’s messy.
6. They suddenly hyper-focus on something random.
If they dive deep into a niche interest out of nowhere or obsess over a specific task, it might not just be a quirk. It can be a coping mechanism to block out stress or avoid emotional discomfort. They’re not just being obsessive. In fact, it’s often a way to self-soothe and feel in control when everything else feels like too much. The focus helps drown out what’s overwhelming them elsewhere.
7. They go quiet in group chats or conversations.
If they normally participate and suddenly go radio silent, they might be mentally and emotionally shut down. Social interaction can be exhausting even when it’s digital, and sometimes they just can’t keep up. Don’t take the silence as them withdrawing completely. They might still be reading, just not engaging because typing or finding the right words feels impossible at the moment.
8. They start apologising for things you don’t even notice.
Lots of unnecessary apologies can be a subtle sign they’re on edge or feeling insecure. If they say sorry for being “too much,” “too quiet,” or “weird,” they might be having a hard time regulating how they’re coming across. This is often their way of trying to stay safe socially. They’re not looking for attention; they’re bracing for rejection that hasn’t happened but feels very real to them.
9. Their sensory sensitivities become more obvious.
Maybe they start pulling away from loud spaces, wearing sunglasses indoors, or avoiding certain textures or smells more than usual. When sensory issues ramp up, it’s a clue that their nervous system is getting overloaded. They’re not being dramatic or picky—they’re in full-on survival mode. The world feels louder and harsher, and they’re doing what they can to reduce the noise.
10. They say they’re “fine” but seem off.
“I’m fine” can be a cover when someone doesn’t have the words, energy, or space to unpack what they’re really feeling. If their body language, energy, or tone says otherwise, trust that vibe. They might not be ready to talk about it yet—or at all—but noticing that something’s off and being gentle about it can help them feel less alone without forcing them to explain.
11. They withdraw from stuff they usually enjoy.
Pulling back from hobbies, interests, or things they usually light up about can be a quiet sign of burnout or sensory/emotional shutdown. It’s not boredom, it’s depletion. When even the things they love feel like too much, it’s a sign they need rest, understanding, and way less pressure to “bounce back” quickly.
12. They start over-explaining or over-justifying their behaviour.
If they start giving long explanations for little things, they’re probably feeling misunderstood or afraid of being judged. It’s a defence mechanism rooted in past experiences of being criticised for things they couldn’t help. It has nothing to do with attention—it’s their way of trying to avoid conflict before it even happens. A calm, non-judgy “You don’t have to explain” can go a long way here.
13. Their tone becomes inconsistent or hard to read.
They might switch from flat and tired to hyper and talkative within the same hour. That emotional shiftiness isn’t manipulation. In reality, it’s usually a sign they’re working hard to stay regulated, and sometimes it just doesn’t hold. Try not to read too deeply into the back-and-forth. They’re not playing games. They’re trying to stay afloat in a world that often moves way too fast for their nervous system.
14. They become overly agreeable or avoidant.
If they start saying “whatever you want” or agree to things quickly without input, it might be them trying to avoid any potential conflict. They’re not checked out; they’re overwhelmed and trying not to make waves. That passivity is often a survival response. They just want things to feel safe again, and that sometimes means disappearing into the background for a bit.
15. They tell you directly, but in a quiet or offhand way.
Some people won’t say, “I’m struggling,” outright. But they might casually drop hints like “I’m really tired,” “My brain’s not cooperating today,” or “It’s been a lot lately.” That’s often the most they can manage to say when they’re at capacity. If they trust you enough to give even a vague version of what they’re feeling, it means a lot. You don’t have to fix it—just let them know they’re not too much, and you’re still here.
