Family is supposed to be a source of love and support, but that’s not always the reality for everyone.
In some families, toxic behaviour gets swept under the rug, and instead of accountability, blame is shifted onto someone else. If you’ve ever felt like you’re being unfairly blamed for things that aren’t your fault, you’re not imagining it. Some families have a way of making one person—often the most self-aware or emotionally intelligent one—the scapegoat for their own bad behaviour. Here are just some of the ways your family might be blaming you for their own toxicity.
1. They call you “too sensitive” when you react to their hurtful behaviour.
If you express hurt over something they’ve said or done, instead of apologising or reflecting, they tell you that you’re just being “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” This shifts the blame away from their behaviour and makes it seem like the real issue is your reaction. By making it about your sensitivity instead of their words or actions, they avoid taking responsibility. In reality, feeling hurt is a normal response to being treated badly—your emotions aren’t the problem, their behaviour is.
2. They say you “start drama” when you set boundaries.
If you try to stand up for yourself, suddenly you’re the one “causing problems” or being “difficult.” Toxic family members often expect you to tolerate anything they do, so when you push back, they act like you’re creating unnecessary drama. Healthy boundaries are not drama—they are a necessary part of any relationship. If they react negatively to you setting limits, it’s because they were benefiting from your lack of them.
3. They blame you for their own emotional outbursts.
Instead of owning their anger, frustration, or hurtful comments, they act as if you “made” them behave that way. They might say, “If you hadn’t brought this up, I wouldn’t have reacted like that,” or “You know how I am, why do you always push my buttons?” It removes all accountability from them and places the burden on you to keep the peace. In reality, their emotions and reactions are their responsibility, not yours.
4. They make you feel guilty for not meeting their unrealistic expectations.
Some family members place impossible expectations on you and then blame you when you inevitably fall short. Whether it’s being the perfect child, constantly supporting them, or fixing their problems, they set standards that no one could meet. When you fail to meet these expectations (because they were unreasonable to begin with), they act disappointed or hurt, making you feel like you’ve let them down. The truth is, you were set up to fail from the start.
5. They rewrite the past to make themselves look better.
If you bring up something they did in the past, they may deny it ever happened or change the details to paint themselves as the victim. They’ll claim, “I never said that,” or, “That’s not how it happened at all.” This is a form of gaslighting, making you doubt your own memory so they don’t have to face their past behaviour. It’s a way to shift blame and avoid responsibility by making you question what you know to be true.
6. They compare you to other people to make you feel inadequate.
If a family member frequently compares you to siblings, cousins, or even strangers in a way that makes you feel like you’re not good enough, they’re subtly blaming you for not being who they want you to be. Instead of appreciating you for who you are, they make you feel like you’re constantly falling short. It’s a way of deflecting from their own lack of support, guidance, or encouragement.
7. They accuse you of being selfish for putting yourself first.
If you focus on your own well-being, toxic family members might call you selfish, especially if you’re no longer prioritising their needs over your own. They expect you to sacrifice your happiness for them. In reality, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—at least not in a bad way. The only people who call you selfish for having boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.
8. They guilt-trip you when you don’t do what they want.
Whether it’s refusing to attend a family event, not answering a call right away, or simply making an independent decision, some family members will use guilt to make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. They might say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or, “I guess I just don’t matter to you anymore.” This is emotional manipulation designed to make you feel obligated to meet their demands.
9. They make your emotions seem unreasonable.
Whenever you express hurt, frustration, or even just exhaustion, they act as if you’re overreacting. They might roll their eyes, laugh, or say, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” This makes you second-guess your emotions and feel like you’re being irrational. Over time, it can make you suppress your feelings just to avoid being dismissed.
10. They refuse to acknowledge their own toxic patterns.
Some family members flat-out refuse to recognise how their actions impact other people. If you point out something unhealthy, they dismiss it, saying, “That’s just how I am,” or, “You’re too sensitive.” By refusing to acknowledge their own toxic behaviours, they make it seem like the problem is you for expecting better treatment.
11. They make you responsible for their happiness.
Instead of managing their own emotions, toxic family members might place the burden of their happiness on you. They expect you to always be there, cheer them up, and keep them emotionally stable. If you don’t, they act like you’re failing them. But no one should be responsible for another person’s emotional health—it’s a personal responsibility.
12. They blame you for family conflicts.
Even if you’re simply pointing out an issue, toxic family members may accuse you of being the one “causing problems.” Instead of addressing the actual issue, they focus on the fact that you brought it up. It creates an environment where speaking up is punished, keeping toxic behaviours unchallenged. Just because no one else wanted to speak up about what was going on doesn’t make you the bad guy.
13. They act as if you owe them something.
Some parents or relatives believe that because they raised you, you owe them lifelong obedience, support, or loyalty, no matter how they treat you. They may say, “I did everything for you, and this is how you repay me?” While appreciation for family is important, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, not guilt and obligation.
14. They use your past mistakes against you.
If you’ve ever made a mistake, no matter how small, some family members will bring it up repeatedly to undermine you. They use your past as a way to shift blame, making you feel like you have no right to speak up. This tactic keeps them from having to reflect on their own behaviour, while keeping you stuck in a cycle of guilt.
15. They expect you to keep the peace, even at your own expense.
Many toxic family members expect you to be the one who smooths things over, forgives quickly, and never holds grudges. If you don’t, they act like you’re the one tearing the family apart. But keeping the peace shouldn’t mean tolerating mistreatment. It’s not your job to make everyone else comfortable at the expense of your own well-being.
