Family should be forever, but sometimes, it doesn’t work out that way.
After reading some of our pieces around complicated parent-child relationships, we heard from reader Sarah, a 34-year-old from Bristol, who wanted to share her own story. Her experience of cutting off contact with her mother isn’t something she came to lightly, but as she explained, sometimes choosing peace means letting go of the person who raised you.
“People assume cutting off a parent means you’re cold or heartless. What they don’t see is the years of emotional weight you carry before making that decision. I spent most of my twenties trying to please my mum, constantly seeking her approval, only to be met with criticism, guilt-tripping, or silence,” Sarah told us. “The relationship felt more like an emotional transaction than a bond. When I finally started to set boundaries—small things like not answering her calls during work hours—she reacted as if I’d betrayed her, and the guilt was instant and suffocating.”
However, she went on to explain that instead of one massive event leading up to their estrangement, it was a result of years of emotional and mental turmoil that ultimately pushed Sarah over the edge. “It wasn’t one moment that made me walk away; it was the slow, steady drip of emotional exhaustion. I started to notice how anxious I felt after every phone call and how I was constantly justifying my life choices to avoid conflict,” she recalled. “The final straw was her dismissing something very personal I’d shared, brushing it off with a passive-aggressive comment. That was when I realised I’d rather have space and peace than a connection built on obligation and control. Cutting contact wasn’t easy, but it was the first time I chose myself over the role I was forced into.”
Here are just some of the reasons that Sarah knew distancing herself from her mother was the right decision for her life. If you’ve been through the same, some of these may sound all too familiar.
“She always made everything about herself.”
When every conversation circles back to their own problems, opinions, or experiences, it’s hard to feel truly seen. Adult children often step back when they realise their parent only ever hears them through the lens of their own narrative. You can grow up learning that your feelings are secondary, and as an adult, that dynamic becomes more obvious and exhausting to maintain. For Sarah, feeling like her mum didn’t care about any of her achievements or struggles was totally demoralising.
That kind of self-centred behaviour can quietly invalidate you over the years. Even when you try to open up about something serious, it’s met with a story about how they went through worse. Eventually, you stop reaching out, not out of spite, but because you’ve learned that meaningful two-way conversations aren’t on offer, and that’s not something you want to keep reliving.
“She refused to acknowledge her past behaviour.”
One of the hardest things for adult children is hearing a parent say, “That’s in the past,” when you’re trying to work through something painful. It dismisses your lived experience and makes genuine healing impossible. When your attempts at resolution are constantly shut down, resentment builds until silence feels safer. As Sarah recalled, her mum outright refused to admit she’d ever done anything hurtful, and because of that, Sarah didn’t feel she could process her experiences and move on.
It’s not about dwelling; it’s about being heard. A parent who can’t take accountability leaves their child feeling like the past will always be swept under the rug. For many, this becomes a clear sign that the dynamic will never change, and it’s not worth staying tangled in something that won’t evolve.
“She treated my boundaries as betrayal.”
Boundaries can be healthy and necessary, but some parents interpret them as rejection. If an adult child says they need space or privacy, and the parent takes that personally, it creates a toxic loop. Suddenly, any boundary becomes a trigger for guilt-tripping or passive-aggressive pushback. According to Sarah, any time she’d put a hard limit in place, her mum would either outright ignore it, or accuse her daughter of being selfish or vindictive.
This makes adult children feel like they can’t win. Either they sacrifice their peace to keep the parent happy, or they’re labelled ungrateful for protecting themselves. Over time, the cost of keeping the peace becomes too high, and stepping away feels like the only way to breathe.
“She acted like emotional support wasn’t part of the deal.”
Being a parent isn’t just about providing food and shelter; it’s about being emotionally available too. Many adults carry the weight of never feeling comforted or understood by a parent. When that parent still can’t offer support years later, the emotional distance becomes harder to ignore. Sarah never felt like her mum had her back, or that she was interested in making her feel supported, and that wore her down.
Some people realise they’ve spent a lifetime being the strong one, even as kids—and when they finally need a shoulder, it’s not there. That gap leaves a lasting impact, and it becomes a powerful reason to walk away from a connection that never truly felt like a safe space.
“She used guilt to control me.”
Guilt is a common tool in toxic family dynamics, and parents can wield it without even realising how much harm it does. Comments like “After all I’ve done for you…” or “You’ve changed” might seem small, but they’re designed to make you feel responsible for their emotions. Sarah heard these things often, and in the end, it just made her exhausted and utterly resentful.
After a while, this kind of treatment creates a sense of emotional obligation that replaces actual love and connection. Adult children begin to notice they’re not operating from care—they’re operating from guilt. And when that’s the driver, the relationship no longer feels healthy. Choosing distance becomes a way to reclaim autonomy.
“She was never really interested in who I became.”
As you grow up, you want your parents to get to know the adult version of you, not just cling to who you were as a child. However, some parents only engage with you through old roles, outdated assumptions, or rigid expectations. It’s like they never evolved with you. Sarah’s mother always saw her as a child and treated her accordingly, and that became exceedingly hard for her to deal with. “She never respected me as an adult, and at a certain point, I couldn’t cope,” she admitted.
This can feel stifling and lonely. You might try sharing your interests, values, or lifestyle changes, only to be met with indifference or judgement. When a parent refuses to accept who you are now, it leaves little room for a genuine relationship—and that distance starts to feel like the better option.
“She belittled my choices and lifestyle.”
Whether it’s your career, relationship, or even where you live, constant criticism eats away at your confidence. Some parents mask it as concern, but it often feels more like disapproval dressed up as advice. You end up feeling like you’ll never be good enough in their eyes. For Sarah, the fact that she chose not to have kids or get married felt like a personal affront to her mother, who brought it up at every available opportunity. “She acted like it was my responsibility to give her grandkids, and she blamed me for not doing so,” she recalled.
After years of trying to win their approval or justify your path, the stress can become unbearable. Adult children eventually recognise that being in constant defence mode isn’t healthy. Choosing peace over validation becomes the clearest way to protect your self-worth.
“She created a dynamic where I had to be the parent.”
When you grow up in a household where you had to emotionally care for your parent, it leaves deep marks. Some parents lean on their kids too heavily, venting about their adult problems or relying on them for emotional regulation. It flips the normal roles and creates unhealthy dynamics. “My mum was incredibly immature and probably shouldn’t have had kids, judging by how much I had to be in charge,” Sarah recalled.
This can carry on into adulthood, where you’re still expected to be their emotional anchor. It’s draining and unfair. Eventually, many people realise they’ve been carrying a weight that was never theirs to hold. That clarity makes stepping back feel not only necessary but overdue.
“She constantly dismissed my emotions.”
“You’re too sensitive” or “Stop being dramatic” are phrases that stick with you. They teach you that your emotions aren’t valid or welcome, which has lasting effects. When this continues into adulthood, it makes any kind of emotional closeness difficult. These were all too familiar to Sarah, who never felt like she had a right to her emotions when she was around her mum.
You start to realise you’re censoring yourself just to avoid being dismissed. And after a while, that gets exhausting. Choosing distance isn’t about cutting someone off—it’s about no longer shrinking yourself to keep a one-sided connection alive.
“She demanded access to my life instead of earning my trust.”
Some parents assume they’re entitled to know everything about your life, simply because they’re your parent. However, adult relationships are built on trust, not obligation. When a parent pushes for access without respecting your privacy, it creates tension. As Sarah told us, “My mum just expected to know everything that was going on with me, but gave me no reason to feel safe enough to want to tell her anything at all.”
Trust has to be mutual. If you’re constantly met with judgement, gossiping, or boundary-pushing, you stop sharing. And when those behaviours don’t stop, even after being called out, it becomes clear that space is the only way to feel respected.
“She turned everything into a power struggle.”
Some parents struggle to accept that their child is now an independent adult. Instead of mutual respect, conversations become a subtle tug-of-war for control. Whether it’s about decisions, opinions, or even parenting your own children, it turns into a contest. For Sarah, she never felt like she had a relationship with her mum; instead, she had a constant fight on her hands.
Relationships like this make every conversation feel like a battleground. You can’t just talk; you have to defend, explain, or justify. For many adult children, this dynamic feels suffocating, and the idea of constant conflict outweighs any benefits of keeping the relationship going.
“She showed no interest in changing the relationship.”
Some adult children are willing to work things through, but only if their parent is open to change. When that openness isn’t there—when the parent keeps saying “That’s just how I am”—it creates a dead end. The relationship becomes stagnant and painful. “There was no way we could move forward because my mum refused to see that she had any part in our dynamic,” Sarah recalled.
You realise that all the effort is coming from your side. Without shared willingness to grow or adapt, it becomes clear that nothing will change. At some point, walking away stops feeling extreme and starts to feel like self-preservation.
“She made me feel like a burden.”
Being made to feel like you’re “too much” or that your presence is inconvenient leaves lasting damage. If a parent always acted as though your needs or feelings were a hassle, you eventually internalise that message. Even as an adult, that hurt lingers. According to Sarah, even though she was totally independent and stood on her own two feet, her mum still made her feel like she was too much to handle.
It’s painful to realise you’ve been dimming your own needs just to keep someone else comfortable. Distance often becomes a way to rewrite that message—to remind yourself that you’re allowed to take up space and that relationships shouldn’t feel like a chore.
“She only reached out when she wanted something.”
If every call or message comes with a request—whether it’s for money, favours, or emotional labour—it becomes clear the relationship is transactional. You start to notice that they only check in when it benefits them, and that doesn’t feel like love. “My mum would go weeks without talking to me, only to text and ask if I could do a favour for her—and if I said no, there was always major drama,” Sarah told us.
Adult children aren’t looking for perfection; they’re just looking for sincerity. And when you realise the connection is conditional, stepping away stops feeling like abandonment and starts to feel like self-respect.
If you’ve got something to say, we’d love to hear it—email [email protected] to be featured in our ‘Talk Sense’ series.
