When someone’s having a tough time, it’s natural to want to say the right thing.
However, even the best intentions don’t always land well, especially when the questions we ask end up making things feel worse instead of better. Sometimes, what sounds like concern can come across as clueless, dismissive, or way too invasive. If someone’s struggling, here are a few questions that are better left unsaid (and what might actually help instead).
1. “What exactly is wrong with you?”
This one might come from curiosity or confusion, but it’s way too blunt and can feel accusatory. When someone’s already feeling vulnerable, being asked to explain themselves like this can make them shut down fast. There’s a big difference between offering support and putting someone on the spot. A simple “Want to talk about what’s been going on?” is far more gentle and gives them a choice.
2. “But what do you have to be sad about?”
This one stings. It implies that someone needs a checklist of “acceptable” reasons to feel low, and that if their life looks fine on paper, their pain isn’t valid. Struggles aren’t always visible, and this kind of question tends to shut people down rather than open them up. Validation goes much further than questioning their right to feel how they feel.
3. “Have you tried just thinking more positively?”
On the surface, it sounds encouraging. But when someone’s struggling, toxic positivity can feel like a slap in the face. It oversimplifies things that are often messy and complicated. Positive thinking can be helpful in some cases, but not as a first response. A better approach is simply sitting with someone in how they’re feeling without trying to fix it straight away.
4. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
It’s natural to feel hurt if someone you care about keeps their struggles to themselves. But this question can come off as guilt-trippy, even if that’s not your intention. People open up when they feel safe, not when they’re pressured. A more supportive route? “Thanks for telling me. I’m here now and glad you shared it with me.”
5. “Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
Even if it’s meant gently, this question can feel invalidating and dismissive. It implies that someone’s emotions are too big or too much, and that’s a tough thing to hear when you’re already raw. You don’t need to fully understand someone’s reaction to respect it. Sometimes just saying “That sounds really hard” is all someone needs to feel heard.
6. “Is this because of something I did?”
This one pulls the focus away from the person who’s struggling and onto you. It might come from concern, but it can also make the conversation suddenly feel about your feelings instead of theirs. Instead, offer space for them to talk without redirecting it. If they want to bring up something involving you, they will—but don’t force it in the middle of their moment.
7. “Don’t you think you’re just being dramatic?”
This is one of those phrases that sounds throwaway but can cut deep. Being labelled “dramatic” can make someone feel ashamed for struggling, and less likely to speak up next time. What someone needs in that moment is understanding, not judgement. If you’re unsure how to respond, just showing up and listening quietly can be more powerful than trying to analyse the situation.
8. “Aren’t you over this by now?”
Everyone heals at their own pace. Suggesting someone should be “done” feeling a certain way just adds pressure and guilt on top of what they’re already carrying. It’s okay to lovingly encourage growth, but rushing someone’s recovery helps no one. A better approach might be, “How have things been feeling lately?” It’s more open-ended and pressure-free.
9. “Well, other people have it worse.”
This one might be said with the intent of perspective, but it often comes across as minimising. Comparing struggles rarely helps, and usually just leaves someone feeling more isolated. You can acknowledge pain without needing to rank it. Try, “I’m really sorry things are tough right now—do you want to talk about it?” That kind of space means a lot.
10. “Are you sure it’s not just in your head?”
This question can feel invalidating, even if you’re trying to understand. Mental health struggles often are in someone’s head, but that doesn’t make them any less real or painful. Instead of casting doubt, lead with curiosity and care. Something like, “How long have you been feeling this way?” invites conversation without making them feel judged.
11. “You don’t seem like the type to struggle with that.”
It might sound like a compliment, but it actually puts someone in a box. Struggles don’t always show on the surface, and this comment can make people feel misunderstood, or even guilty for struggling. People are good at hiding pain, and mental health doesn’t have a “look.” It’s more supportive to say, “Thanks for sharing that with me, I never would have known otherwise.”
12. “Haven’t you been doing all the right things?”
Even with therapy, journaling, walks, and all the “right” steps, people can still struggle. Healing isn’t a formula. Suggesting it should be can make someone feel like a failure for not bouncing back. Instead, try “What’s been helping lately—and what hasn’t?” It’s a more open and validating way to check in on their process.
13. “Maybe you just need to get out more.”
This advice can sound dismissive when said too quickly. While fresh air and movement can help, they’re not magic fixes, especially when someone’s going through something heavy. Rather than defaulting to surface-level suggestions, ask how they’re doing and if there’s anything that helps them feel even a little bit better. That gives space without prescribing.
14. “Have you tried not thinking about it?”
If only it were that simple. This kind of question might seem like harmless advice, but it often comes off as dismissive or naive, especially if the person’s dealing with anxiety or overthinking. It’s better to say, “I can imagine it’s hard to shut it off sometimes—want to talk about what’s on your mind?” That creates a bit more room for honesty and connection.
15. “So… are you okay now?”
This sounds supportive on the surface, but it can feel like pressure to give a tidy answer. When someone’s still in the middle of their mess, “okay” might not be on the table yet. Instead of looking for a resolution, just check in with, “How are you feeling today?”—because that shifts the focus to where they’re at right now, not where you hope they are.
