Empathy, the ability to not only put yourself in someone else’s shoes but sympathise with what they’re going through, is a crucial skill for building strong relationships and navigating life’s challenges.
But sometimes, without even realizing it, we can engage in behaviours that hinder our capacity for empathy. So, if you’re looking to become a more empathetic person, here are some things you should avoid.
1. You dismiss someone’s feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel that way.”
When someone opens up to you about their emotions, telling them how they should feel invalidates their experience and shuts down communication. Remember, emotions aren’t always rational, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Instead of offering unsolicited advice or judgment, try to validate their emotions and simply listen with compassion. Sometimes, just being heard is all someone needs.
2. You offer unsolicited advice or solutions before truly listening.
When someone is going through a tough time, it’s tempting to jump into problem-solving mode. But before offering advice, take the time to truly listen and understand their perspective. Ask open-ended questions, reflect back what you hear, and show genuine interest in their experience. Often, people just need a safe space to vent and feel understood, not a lecture or a to-do list.
3. You minimize someone’s struggles by comparing them to your own or other people’s experiences.
Source: Unsplash Saying things like, “Well, at least you don’t have to deal with X,” or “Other people have it worse” can belittle someone’s pain and make them feel unheard. Remember, everyone’s struggles are valid, and comparison doesn’t diminish the impact of their experiences. Focus on validating their feelings and offering support, not minimizing their struggles by comparing them to other people.
4. You interrupt or talk over someone when they’re sharing their feelings.
Source: Unsplash Interrupting someone when they’re trying to express themselves is disrespectful and shows a lack of empathy. It sends the message that their thoughts and feelings aren’t important. Instead, practice active listening. Give them your full attention, make eye contact, and wait until they’ve finished speaking before responding. Show them that you value their voice and want to hear what they have to say.
5. You focus on finding the silver lining instead of acknowledging the pain.
Source: Unsplash While it’s important to maintain a positive outlook, prematurely focusing on the “bright side” can invalidate someone’s pain. If someone is grieving a loss or facing a difficult situation, acknowledging their pain is crucial. Avoid saying things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “It could be worse.” Instead, simply offer your presence and support. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad or angry, and that you’re there for them.
6. You make assumptions about someone’s feelings or experiences.
Source: Unsplash Assuming you know how someone feels or what they’ve gone through is a guaranteed way to hinder empathy. Everyone experiences life differently, and what might be easy for you could be a major challenge for someone else. Instead of making assumptions, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective. Be curious, listen without judgment, and respect their unique experience.
7. You offer platitudes or clichés instead of genuine empathy.
Source: Unsplash Saying things like, “Time heals all wounds,” or “It’s not the end of the world,” might seem comforting, but they can often come across as dismissive and insincere. Instead of offering generic phrases, try to express your empathy in a more personalized way. For example, you could say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you,” or “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Please know that I care.” These simple phrases show genuine concern and offer a more meaningful connection.
8. You change the subject or make it about yourself.
Source: Unsplash When someone is sharing their feelings, it’s not the time to start talking about your own problems or experiences. Doing so can make them feel unheard and unimportant. Instead, stay focused on their story. Listen attentively, ask questions to clarify their feelings, and avoid interjecting your own anecdotes or problems. The conversation should be about them and their needs, not about you.
9. You offer toxic positivity instead of genuine support.
Source: Unsplash While it’s important to maintain a positive outlook, forcing a cheerful facade or insisting that someone “look on the bright side” can be harmful. Toxic positivity invalidates negative emotions and pressures people to suppress their true feelings. Instead, offer genuine support by acknowledging their pain, validating their emotions, and simply being present with them. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing you can do is sit with someone in their sadness without trying to fix it.
10. You judge someone for their feelings or reactions.
Source: Unsplash Judging someone for their emotional responses is a major empathy blocker. Everyone processes emotions differently, and there’s no right or wrong way to react to a situation. Instead of criticizing or shaming someone for their feelings, try to understand where they’re coming from. Ask questions, listen with compassion, and validate their experience. Remember, empathy is about understanding, not judging.
11. You avoid difficult conversations or emotional topics.
Source: Unsplash While it’s natural to shy away from uncomfortable situations, avoiding difficult conversations can hinder your ability to connect with people on a deeper level. Empathy requires vulnerability and a willingness to engage with challenging emotions. If you constantly avoid emotional topics or shut down when someone tries to open up, you’re missing out on opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
12. You get defensive when someone shares their hurt or disappointment.
Source: Unsplash When someone expresses their hurt or disappointment, it’s easy to get defensive, especially if you feel you’re being blamed or criticized. However, empathy requires taking a step back and truly listening to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their perspective, acknowledge their feelings, and take responsibility for your actions if necessary. Remember, it’s not about winning an argument; it’s about understanding and repairing the relationship.
13. You focus on fixing the problem instead of listening to the person.
Source: Unsplash When someone is upset, it’s tempting to jump into problem-solving mode. But sometimes, people just need to be heard and validated. Before offering solutions, take the time to truly listen and understand their feelings. Ask open-ended questions, reflect back what you hear, and show genuine interest in their experience. Often, the most empathetic response is simply to listen with compassion and offer your support.
14. You don’t validate someone’s feelings unless you agree with them.
Source: Unsplash Empathy isn’t about agreeing with someone’s perspective; it’s about understanding and validating their feelings, even if you don’t share the same viewpoint. Just because you wouldn’t react the same way doesn’t mean their emotions aren’t valid. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. Remember, empathy is about connection, not judgment.
