If you want your partner to do something, nagging isn’t the way to go.
Instead of suddenly filling them with the desire to get up and go, it’s more likely to make them feel annoyed, resentful, and maybe even contrary. In other words, harping on them constantly to do something for you isn’t going to be very effective. However, going about it in these ways might be.
1. Pick the perfect moment for the chat.
If you bring something up when your partner is stressed or distracted, it’s probably not going to end well. Wait for a calm moment when they can actually listen, like after dinner or during a relaxing weekend morning. Picking the right time can make all the difference in how they respond. It’s all about setting the stage for a real conversation without the extra tension.
2. Talk about how you feel, not how they act (or don’t).
Instead of saying “You never help around the house,” try “I feel overwhelmed when the housework piles up.” This shifts the focus away from blaming and more towards sharing how you feel. When your partner doesn’t feel attacked, they’re more likely to listen and respond positively. It opens the door for a conversation, not an argument.
3. Be clear and specific with what you want.
Vague complaints get you nowhere. Rather than saying “The house is always a mess,” try, “Can we both spend 10 minutes cleaning the living room after dinner?” Being specific helps your partner know exactly what you need. When they know what you’re asking for, it’s easier for them to step up and help out.
4. Show appreciation when they do help.
When they do help out, even in small ways, make sure to acknowledge it. A quick “Thanks for doing the dishes, I really appreciate it” can go a long way. Positive reinforcement encourages more of the behaviour you want. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and it makes future cooperation much more likely.
5. Lead by example.
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. If you want your partner to be more organised or help more around the house, start by doing it yourself. When they see you putting in the effort, they might naturally follow your lead without needing a nudge. Leading by example sets a positive tone for the relationship.
6. Decide what’s really worth bringing up.
Not everything can be a top priority. Decide what’s really important and focus on that. If you constantly bring up every little issue, your partner might feel overwhelmed. Let some minor things go and tackle the more significant requests first. This makes it easier for your partner to focus on what really matters.
7. Offer to help or do it together.
Instead of just asking them to do something, suggest tackling it together. For example, “Let’s spend 30 minutes cleaning the garage this weekend” feels less like a chore and more like teamwork. This way, you’re showing that you’re in it together, and it’s not just about one person doing all the work.
8. Use humour to ease the tension.
A little playfulness can ease tension and make your requests more palatable. Instead of nagging about dirty dishes, you could say, “Wow, I think the sink’s trying to collect dishes like a hobby!” Just be mindful not to cross into sarcasm, which could hurt feelings. A light-hearted approach can make things less confrontational.
9. Write it down instead of saying it.
Sometimes, a note or text can be gentler than a verbal reminder. It lets your partner read and process the request in their own time. A casual, friendly note like “Hey, could you grab milk on the way home?” might be better received than a repeated verbal request. Just be careful not to overdo it with constant messages.
10. Set a time each week to talk about things.
Instead of peppering your partner with reminders throughout the week, why not set up a dedicated time to discuss tasks and plans? It could be a quick chat on Sunday mornings where you go over what needs to get done for the week. This way, you both know when it’s coming, and there’s less need for nagging.
11. Focus on the benefits of getting it done.
Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, paint a picture of how great things will be once the task is done. For example, “Imagine how nice it’ll feel to relax in a clean house!” This puts a positive spin on the request and motivates them by highlighting the reward rather than the chore itself.
12. Ask questions to understand their view.
Instead of saying, “You never help with the laundry,” try asking, “What do you think about splitting up the laundry duties?” This approach invites a dialogue rather than sounding like a complaint. It shows that you’re open to their input and looking for solutions together, rather than just giving them a list of demands.
13. Use technology to your advantage.
Shared calendars or to-do list apps can be a lifesaver. By setting reminders for tasks or plans, both of you can stay on top of things without constant verbal reminders. It’s a neutral, stress-free way to keep track of what needs to be done, and your partner can check it at their own pace.
14. Let natural consequences happen sometimes.
Sometimes, letting natural consequences happen can be the best teacher. If they forget to do something, like putting out the rubbish, they might realise the impact when the garbage piles up. This real-world consequence can be more motivating than nagging. Just be sure it doesn’t backfire or negatively affect you too.
15. Talk about any underlying issues they might have.
If your partner seems particularly resistant to helping out or completing tasks, it might be worth having a deeper conversation. They could be stressed, overwhelmed, or dealing with something that’s impacting their motivation. Approach the conversation with empathy, not frustration, to figure out what’s really going on.
16. Find a middle ground and adjust your standards.
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Sometimes, the solution isn’t about changing your partner’s habits, but adjusting your expectations. Maybe you’re more detail-oriented or have different standards for cleanliness. Find a middle ground that works for both of you, and be willing to let some things go. After all, harmony in the relationship is more important than a perfectly tidy house.
