When you get in a heated fight with your partner, it’s tempting to start slinging insults their way, but name-calling is never okay.
It doesn’t matter how angry you are or what they’ve done to upset you — calling your partner names is unhealthy and downright toxic behaviour that can not just derail an argument and keep you from reaching a healthy resolution, but it can destroy the trust in your relationship as a whole. You may inadvertently say something you don’t mean and that you can’t take back, and the harm this can cause could be irreparable. Here’s how to stop this behaviour in its tracks.
1. Understand why name-calling happens.
Name-calling often comes from frustration, anger, or a lack of emotional control. It might be a reaction in the heat of the moment when tensions are high, but it reflects deeper communication issues. It’s a way of expressing hurt or power in an unhealthy manner, often because the person lacks the tools to handle their emotions constructively. To address it, start by recognising what triggers the behaviour. Is it stress, feeling unheard, or unresolved conflicts? Understanding the root cause can help you or your partner approach emotions differently. Taking a pause during arguments can also prevent things from escalating to name-calling.
2. Acknowledge the emotional damage it causes.
Being called names by someone you love cuts deeper than casual insults from strangers. It can destroy trust, create insecurity, and make the relationship feel unsafe. Over time, repeated name-calling can damage a person’s self-esteem and sense of worth, creating lasting emotional wounds. Recognising the harm caused by name-calling is an important first step in stopping it. Reflect on how it makes both of you feel, whether it’s the pain of being insulted or the guilt of saying something hurtful. Having a higher level of awareness can motivate you to make changes and prioritise respect in your relationship.
3. Set boundaries around language in arguments.
Every healthy relationship needs boundaries, and that includes how you speak to each other during conflicts. Agreeing to avoid certain words or phrases can help both partners feel safer during arguments. That boundary ensures that no matter how heated things get, respect remains intact. Discuss these boundaries when you’re both calm, not in the middle of a disagreement. For example, you might say, “Let’s agree not to call each other names when we argue — it’s hurtful and doesn’t solve anything.” A bit of mutual understanding can make a big difference in how conflicts are handled moving forward.
4. Recognise name-calling as a form of verbal abuse.
It’s important to call name-calling what it is: verbal abuse. While it might not seem as damaging as physical harm, its effects can be just as serious. Constantly being insulted or degraded can lead to feelings of worthlessness and emotional trauma. If name-calling is a regular part of your relationship, it’s crucial to address it directly. Acknowledge that this behaviour is unacceptable and commit to changing it together. If your partner refuses to see the harm or continues the behaviour, it may be time to reassess the relationship’s health.
5. Identify patterns and triggers.
Name-calling doesn’t happen in isolation; it’s often triggered by certain patterns, situations, or emotions. It might happen more during high-stress moments, after unresolved arguments, or when deeper insecurities come into play. Understanding these patterns can help you break the cycle. Keep track of when name-calling tends to occur and what leads up to it. Are there specific topics or circumstances that spark these reactions? Once you identify the triggers, you can work on addressing them in healthier ways, like using calm communication techniques or taking a timeout when emotions run high.
6. Practise self-control during arguments.
Arguments can escalate quickly when emotions take over, leading to name-calling or other hurtful behaviours. Practising self-control is essential to stop these situations from spiralling. It’s not about bottling up emotions, but about expressing them constructively. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, try pausing the conversation and taking deep breaths to calm down. You can even suggest taking a break to revisit the discussion when both of you are calmer. Doing so prevents words said in the heat of the moment from causing lasting damage.
7. Replace insults with “I” statements.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to lash out with blame or insults. However, shifting your language to “I” statements can make a huge difference. Instead of saying, “You’re so selfish,” try, “I feel hurt when my needs aren’t considered.” It reduces defensiveness and focuses on the real issue. Practising this type of communication might feel awkward at first, but it’s a much healthier way to express your feelings. Over time, it can help both partners feel heard and respected, reducing the urge to resort to name-calling during disagreements.
8. Address deeper emotional issues.
Name-calling is often a symptom of unresolved emotional pain, insecurities, or unmet needs. If one or both partners are carrying emotional baggage, it can surface as hurtful words during conflicts. Ignoring these underlying issues makes it hard to stop the behaviour. Take time to explore what’s really behind the name-calling. Is it frustration about something unrelated? Is there an unresolved hurt in the relationship? Working through these deeper emotions, either on your own or with professional help, can help create a stronger, healthier bond.
9. Apologise sincerely when name-calling happens.
If name-calling has already occurred, a genuine apology is necessary to begin repairing the damage. A proper apology includes acknowledging what you did, expressing regret, and committing to change. Simply saying, “Sorry” without addressing the behaviour won’t be enough. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry for calling you that. It was wrong, and I know it hurt you. I’m committed to working on expressing myself in healthier ways.” Taking responsibility shows that you’re serious about improving the relationship and rebuilding trust.
10. Learn to take breaks during arguments.
Sometimes, the best way to prevent name-calling is to step away when emotions start to boil over. Taking a break from a heated argument gives both partners time to cool down and gather their thoughts. It’s better to pause the conversation than to say something you’ll regret. Set a clear plan for how these breaks will work. For example, agree to pause for 20 minutes and then come back to the discussion. Use the time apart to reflect on your feelings and what you really want to communicate. It can prevent hurtful words from being said in the first place.
11. Practise forgiveness without enabling the behaviour.
Forgiveness is an important part of healing, but it doesn’t mean ignoring toxic behaviour. If your partner apologises for name-calling, forgiving them can help both of you move forward. However, forgiveness should come with the expectation of change, not as an excuse to continue the behaviour. Express that forgiveness doesn’t mean the issue is forgotten. For example, say, “I forgive you, but I need us to work on this so it doesn’t happen again.” This keeps the focus on improving the relationship while setting boundaries around respect.
12. Consider couples’ counselling/therapy if it’s a serious issue.
If name-calling has become a recurring issue in your relationship, seeking help from a therapist or counsellor can provide valuable tools for improvement. Professional guidance can help both partners understand the root causes of the behaviour and develop healthier communication patterns. Couples therapy isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a proactive step toward strengthening your relationship. A trained professional can offer insights and techniques that you might not have considered, making it easier to break toxic habits and rebuild trust.
13. Model respectful behaviour for your partner.
Source: Unsplash If you want to stop name-calling in your relationship, it’s important to lead by example. Even if your partner resorts to insults, responding calmly and respectfully shows them a better way to handle conflict. Your actions can set the tone for healthier communication. That doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behaviour; it’s about showing that disagreements can be resolved without hurtful language. By consistently modelling respect, you encourage your partner to mirror that behaviour, creating a more positive dynamic over time.
14. Recognise when the relationship is toxic overall.
Sometimes, name-calling is part of a larger pattern of toxicity in a relationship. If it’s combined with other forms of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, it’s important to recognise that the relationship may not be healthy. Staying in a toxic environment can have long-term effects on your mental health. If this resonates with you, consider reaching out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for support. You deserve a relationship built on respect, love, and mutual understanding. Walking away might be the healthiest option if change isn’t possible.
15. Commit to improving your communication on an ongoing basis.
Source: Unsplash Stopping name-calling isn’t a one-time fix — it’s part of a broader effort to improve communication in your relationship. Both partners need to commit to learning healthier ways of expressing themselves and handling conflict. Growth requires patience, practice, and mutual support. Consider reading books, attending workshops, or watching videos on effective communication as a couple. The more you invest in these skills, the stronger your relationship will become. Healthy communication is the foundation of a lasting, respectful partnership.
