Sure, some narcissists are loud and obvious, but others hide behind charm, generosity, and praise—at least at first.
They can seem kind, supportive, and emotionally intelligent on the surface. However, if you look a little closer, those seemingly positive traits they have often have a much darker motive behind them. What seems thoughtful might actually be about control. What sounds flattering could be laying the groundwork for manipulation. If any of these behaviours feel familiar, here’s what might really be going on underneath.
1. They shower you with compliments early on.
It feels amazing at first, like they really see you. They’ll say you’re special, unlike anyone they’ve ever met, even after knowing you for five minutes. You feel chosen, admired, and deeply appreciated. Sadly, this isn’t real admiration—it’s love-bombing. It’s a tactic to hook you emotionally and lower your guard fast. As soon as they have what they want, that praise often vanishes, or flips into subtle criticism.
2. They act incredibly generous.
They might insist on paying for everything or buying you surprise gifts. It seems sweet and selfless on the surface, and it can be hard to question generosity. Of course, it usually comes with invisible strings. That kindness becomes a form of currency—something they expect loyalty, attention, or control in return for. The moment you step outside their expectations, that “generosity” turns cold.
3. They always offer advice (even when you didn’t ask).
They present themselves as wise, thoughtful, and helpful. However, their advice often comes with a tone of superiority, like they know better than you, even about your own life. It’s not about helping you grow. It’s about establishing dominance while pretending to be helpful. Over time, you can start second-guessing yourself and relying on their opinion more than your own.
4. They apologise… but only to make you stop being upset.
At first, it feels like they’re owning their mistakes. They might even say the right words—“I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But pay attention to the tone and timing. Their apologies are often surface-level, designed to move on quickly without real accountability. It’s more about regaining control of the situation than repairing any actual damage.
5. They claim to be very emotionally intelligent.
They’ll talk about their self-awareness, empathy, or healing journey like it’s a badge of honour. They might even drop therapy terms into casual conversation. However, in reality, this “emotional depth” is often just talk. When it comes to actually sitting with your emotions or taking responsibility for their impact, they suddenly lose interest—or turn things around on you.
6. They constantly talk about loyalty and trust.
They make loyalty sound like a noble value—and at first, it feels comforting. However, as time goes on, you realise their version of loyalty means blind agreement, not mutual respect. They’ll label you disloyal for setting boundaries or having an independent opinion. What they call “trust” often translates to control wrapped in emotional language.
7. They’re great with strangers.
Out in public, they’re friendly, charming, attentive—everyone loves them. It’s easy to assume someone so well-liked must be genuinely kind. However, narcissists often perform kindness to maintain an image. Behind closed doors, that warmth disappears—and you’re left confused, wondering why no one else sees it.
8. They tell you how “different” and “real” you are.
They make you feel like you’re the exception. You’re not like their exes, or their friends, or anyone else—they talk about how honest and special you are. It feels validating… until you realise they said the same things to other people before you. It’s a tactic to isolate and elevate you just enough to secure your loyalty—before pulling the rug out later.
9. They say they just want to help you “grow.”
They frame criticism as guidance. They say they’re just being honest or trying to help you reach your potential. But it often leaves you feeling small, not supported. This kind of “help” slowly eats away at your confidence, all while they position themselves as the wiser one. It’s emotional manipulation hiding behind good intentions.
10. They play the role of the misunderstood hero.
They tell you they’ve been hurt, betrayed, or unfairly judged by other people. You feel sympathy for them and maybe even want to protect them. Of course, this story often repeats—with every ex, every friend, every job. It creates a sense of false intimacy and lets them dodge accountability. They become the victim before you even realise they’ve caused harm.
11. They celebrate your wins, but only when it benefits them.
At first, they cheer you on. They post about your achievements, act like your biggest supporter, and encourage your growth. However, if your success starts threatening their ego or independence, that support vanishes. Suddenly, your accomplishments are downplayed, criticised, or turned into a competition.
12. They act like they’re above drama.
They claim they “hate drama” and value peace, but they’re often the ones stirring it up behind the scenes, then playing the calm observer when things explode. By staying just removed enough, they maintain control while painting everyone else as the problem. It’s a tactic that keeps them clean while other people get blamed.
13. They praise your independence—until it inconveniences them.
At first, they love how strong, smart, or independent you are. They admire your boundaries and your self-assurance. Of course, the moment that independence clashes with what they want from you, it becomes a flaw. Suddenly, you’re “too much,” “too distant,” or “difficult to love.”
14. They talk about their “self-work” constantly.
They mention therapy, healing, growth, shadow work—you name it. They sound self-aware, which makes it harder to spot when their actions don’t match their words. Their self-help persona is often a performance. It gives them moral cover to avoid real change because they’ve already declared themselves “healed.”
15. They make you feel seen, but only selectively.
They remember the little details, quote things you’ve said, and know how to make you feel known. It feels intimate and rare, but that attentiveness often has a purpose: to win trust and gain influence. If you start pulling away, that focus either disappears—or gets used to guilt you into staying.
16. They act like they’re protecting you from the world.
They frame their possessiveness as care. They say they’re just worried about you, or they don’t trust other people’s intentions, or they want to keep you safe. However, it’s often about control. It’s about limiting your options, access, or independence under the illusion of love. What sounds protective is actually restrictive—and as time goes on, it leaves you isolated.
