Some people come across as warm, friendly, and charming, but the more you get to know them, the more you realise their kindness isn’t as genuine as it seems.
Narcissists, especially the more subtle ones, know how to present themselves in a way that draws people in and essentially pulls the wool over their eyes. Of course, as time passes, their behaviour starts to tell a whole different story. If someone in your life seems nice at first but leaves you feeling drained or manipulated, they might be hiding a more self-centred side. Here are some of the problematic things they might do if they have an extremely narcissistic side.
1. They give compliments that don’t feel quite right.
At first, their compliments seem generous, but if you pay attention, you’ll notice they often have a strange edge to them. Instead of a straightforward “You look great,” they might say something like, “Wow, I never expected you to pull that off!” or “You actually did really well.” Their words sound kind on the surface, but there’s always an undertone of backhandedness. These subtle jabs create self-doubt, even if you can’t quite put your finger on why. They enjoy keeping people slightly off balance, making them question whether they should feel flattered or insulted. Over time, it can eat away at confidence without the person even realising it.
2. They do favours but make you feel like you owe them.
They love to present themselves as helpful and generous, always stepping in to assist when needed. But there’s a catch: nothing they do is truly selfless. If they help you move house, lend you money, or support you in any way, they’ll expect something in return, even if they don’t say it outright. They keep an invisible tally of favours, subtly reminding you of everything they’ve done for you. If you ever refuse to do something for them, they’ll guilt-trip you, making you feel ungrateful. The kindness they offer isn’t really about you — it’s a way to control and manipulate.
3. They always steer conversations back to themselves.
They seem friendly and interested in you, asking questions and listening to your stories. But before long, they’ll find a way to shift the conversation back to themselves. Even when discussing something that happened to you, they’ll relate it to their own experiences, making themselves the focus. It’s subtle at first, but after a while, you’ll notice that every conversation ends up being about them. No matter what the topic is, they’ll find a way to insert themselves into it, making sure they stay at the centre of attention.
4. They act like the victim in every situation.
Whenever something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They’ll always find a way to position themselves as the victim, even if they were the one who caused the issue. If they upset someone, they’ll twist the situation until they’re the one who’s been wronged. That pattern makes it hard to confront them about their behaviour. If you try, they’ll turn it around on you, making you feel guilty for bringing it up. Before you know it, you’re the one apologising, even though they were the one in the wrong.
5. They dish out criticism but can’t handle any in return.
They have no problem pointing out your flaws, making “helpful” suggestions, or giving you unsolicited advice. But if you dare to offer them even the smallest bit of feedback, they react badly. They might get defensive, dismissive, or even turn it back on you, making you feel like you’re the problem.
While they love to feel like the expert, they refuse to acknowledge their own mistakes. In their mind, they’re always right, and anyone who challenges them is just being unfair or overly sensitive.
6. They act differently around different people.
One of the biggest red flags is how much their personality changes depending on who they’re with. Around people they want to impress, they’re charming, funny, and full of compliments. But behind closed doors, their attitude shifts, revealing a much colder, more critical side. That can make it hard to explain their behaviour to other people. If you tell someone they’ve been hurtful or manipulative, they might not believe you because they only see the charming version. Narcissists carefully curate their image, making it hard for everyone else to see the cracks.
7. They exaggerate their good deeds.
If they do something kind, they want everyone to know about it. Whether it’s donating to charity, helping a friend, or being there for someone in need, they make sure to bring it up repeatedly. They don’t just do good things; they make sure people see them as a generous, selfless person. But their kindness often has an agenda. They help people when there’s something in it for them, whether it’s admiration, social status, or leverage to use later. True generosity comes without expectation, but theirs always has strings attached.
8. They subtly undermine your confidence.
They won’t outright insult you — that would be too obvious. Instead, they chip away at your confidence in small, seemingly innocent ways. They might “jokingly” point out your flaws, make subtle digs at your intelligence, or suggest that your achievements aren’t that impressive. These little comments add up, leaving you questioning yourself more than you used to. The goal isn’t to completely tear you down but to keep you slightly insecure so they can maintain control. If you start doubting yourself, you’re less likely to challenge them.
9. They create drama where there doesn’t need to be any.
Even in peaceful situations, they find a way to stir things up. Whether it’s gossiping about other people, playing people against each other, or making small issues seem like major conflicts, they thrive on drama. They like to keep things chaotic because it keeps them at the centre of attention. If everything is calm, they’ll find a way to inject some tension, often positioning themselves as the “fixer” or the “hero.” They create problems just so they can be the one to solve them, making themselves seem even more important.
10. They manipulate through guilt.
If you ever try to set a boundary with them, they’ll make you feel terrible for it. They’ll say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” or “I guess I just care more than you do.” They use guilt to make you feel like the bad person, even when you’re just trying to protect yourself. Guilt is one of their favourite tools because it keeps people emotionally tied to them. If they can make you feel responsible for their feelings, they know you’ll keep putting their needs ahead of your own.
11. They never truly apologise.
On the rare occasions they do apologise, it’s never a real apology. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for what I did,” they’ll say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way.” Their apologies lack accountability and shift the blame onto you. Instead of owning their mistakes, they minimise them, twist them, or justify them. A genuine apology requires humility, and that’s something they struggle to show.
12. They keep people around as long as they’re useful.
They might seem like a great friend or partner at first, but their loyalty only lasts as long as you’re useful to them. The moment they no longer benefit from having you around, they start pulling away or discarding you altogether. That’s why so many people feel blindsided when a narcissist suddenly distances themselves. They were never truly invested in the relationship—they were invested in what they could gain from it.
13. They use charm to cover up their flaws.
Source: Unsplash They know how to say all the right things, and their charm can be disarming. They make you feel special, important, and valued… until you start seeing the cracks. The charm isn’t a reflection of their true self; it’s a tool they use to keep people invested. By the time you realise their kindness was mostly surface-level, you’re already caught in their web. But once you spot the pattern, it becomes impossible to unsee.
