Childhood experiences, especially the love and affection we receive from our parents, shape the people we become as adults.
When that love feels insufficient (or absent), it can leave lasting imprints on our personalities and behaviours. While not everyone who experienced a lack of parental love will exhibit these traits, and not everyone with these traits necessarily had unloving parents, there are some common patterns that emerge. It’s important to remember that these are simply observations and not definitive diagnoses. If you resonate with any of these traits, don’t be ashamed to reach out to a professional for support.
1. They struggle with self-worth and confidence.
Growing up without feeling loved or valued by your parents can make it difficult to develop a strong sense of self-worth. This can manifest as constant self-doubt, a fear of failure, and a tendency to chase validation from other people. It might also lead to people-pleasing behaviours as a way to earn the love and approval they missed out on in childhood.
2. They have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
If you didn’t experience healthy emotional bonds with your parents, it can be challenging to navigate intimate relationships as an adult. This might manifest as a fear of intimacy, difficulty trusting others, or a tendency to sabotage relationships. It’s common to feel insecure or unworthy of love, making it difficult to establish and maintain healthy connections.
3. They’re desperate for external validation and approval.
When you didn’t receive enough love and affirmation from your parents, you might constantly try to get it it from others. This can lead to seeking approval from friends, romantic partners, or even strangers. It might also manifest as a need for constant reassurance or validation for your accomplishments and decisions. This constant need for external validation can be exhausting and unfulfilling.
4. They struggle with setting boundaries.
If your parents didn’t respect your boundaries as a child, it can be difficult to establish and maintain them as an adult. You might have trouble saying no, feel guilty for putting your needs first, or let other people take advantage of you. Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and establishing healthy relationships.
5. They experience chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness.
Even when surrounded by people, you might feel a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness. This can stem from the emotional void created by a lack of parental love and affection. You might crave connection, but struggle to feel truly seen and understood. Finding healthy ways to fill this void, such as therapy, creative outlets, or meaningful relationships, can be an important step towards healing.
6. They have a tendency to self-blame and self-criticism.
Growing up without feeling loved can lead to internalising the belief that you’re not good enough. This can manifest as a tendency to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, even when it’s not your fault. You might also be overly critical of yourself, focusing on your flaws and shortcomings. Practising self-compassion and learning to challenge negative self-talk can be helpful in overcoming this pattern.
7. They fear abandonment and rejection.
If you experienced emotional neglect or abandonment in childhood, you might develop a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment in your adult relationships. This can lead to clingy behaviour, insecurity, and a constant need for reassurance. It’s important to recognise that these fears stem from past experiences and don’t necessarily reflect the reality of your current relationships.
8. They have difficulty expressing emotions and vulnerability.
If your emotions were dismissed or invalidated as a child, you might learn to suppress them as a coping mechanism. This can lead to difficulty expressing your feelings, both positive and negative. You might find it hard to connect with your emotions or feel comfortable sharing them with other people. Learning to identify and express your emotions in a healthy way can be a transformative experience.
9. They don’t know how to trust people.
Source: Unsplash When your primary caregivers didn’t provide a safe and secure environment, it can be hard to trust people as an adult. You might be suspicious of people’s motives, have difficulty letting your guard down, or expect people to hurt or disappoint you. Building trust takes time and effort, but it’s essential for forming meaningful relationships.
10. They struggle with self-care and neglect their needs.
Source: Unsplash If you didn’t learn to prioritise your needs as a child, it can be hard to practice self-care as an adult. You might neglect your physical and emotional well-being, put other people’s needs before your own, or engage in self-destructive behaviours. Learning to love and care for yourself is a crucial step in healing from a lack of parental love.
11. They have a tendency to overachieve or underachieve.
Source: Unsplash Some people who grew up without enough love try to compensate by overachieving in their careers or other areas of life, hoping to finally earn the recognition and approval they crave. Others might give up on their dreams and goals, believing that they’re incapable of success. Finding a healthy balance and pursuing goals for your own fulfilment, rather than external validation, can be a challenging but rewarding journey.
12. They struggle with intimacy and vulnerability.
If you didn’t experience emotional intimacy with your parents, it can be difficult to open up and be vulnerable in your adult relationships. You might fear getting hurt or rejected, or feel uncomfortable sharing your true feelings. Building intimacy takes time and trust, but it’s essential for deep and meaningful connections.
13. They have a fear of failure and criticism.
Growing up without unconditional love can make you overly sensitive to criticism and fearful of failure. You might avoid taking risks or trying new things, or feel devastated by even minor setbacks. Learning to embrace imperfection and view mistakes as learning opportunities can help you overcome this fear.
14. They have difficulty accepting compliments and positive feedback.
If you’re used to being criticised or overlooked, it can be hard to accept compliments and positive feedback. You might downplay your achievements or feel uncomfortable when someone praises you. Learning to receive love and appreciation can be a challenging but important part of healing.
15. They have a tendency to isolate themselves.
When you don’t feel safe or secure in relationships, it can be tempting to withdraw and isolate yourself. You might avoid social situations, prefer to be alone, or have difficulty forming close friendships. Connecting with people and building a supportive network can help you overcome this tendency and feel less alone.
16. They struggle with letting go of the past.
It can be difficult to let go of the hurt and resentment caused by a lack of parental love. You might find yourself dwelling on past experiences, replaying painful memories, or wishing things were different. While it’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings, holding on to them can prevent you from moving forward and finding happiness in the present.
