When someone wants to stay in control or shirk responsibility for their actions, they probably won’t confront you directly.
Instead, they twist conversations, reframe events, or use language that makes you question your memory, feelings, or instincts. No matter how mentally strong you might be, after a while, that kind of behaviour doesn’t just confuse you—it eats away at your sense of truth. These phrases may seem harmless at first, but when used repeatedly or in the right context, they can be a subtle form of manipulation. If you hear these things from someone with any regularity, chances are, you’re the victim of gaslighting. Luckily, once you recognise their tricks, you can train yourself to become immune to them.
1. “You’re being too touchy and emotional.”
This is a classic way to downplay your emotional response and make you feel like your reaction is the problem, not their behaviour. It flips the focus away from what they did and onto how you’re handling it. The more it happens, the more hearing this can make you question your instincts. You start to wonder if maybe you are overreacting, when in reality, your response was likely valid the entire time. Also, since when was having emotions a bad thing? You’re not a robot, after all.
2. “Sorry, but that never happened.”
Denying something that clearly did happen is a pretty insidious form of gaslighting. It’s meant to shake your confidence in your memory and make you second-guess your version of events. If you find yourself replaying conversations or doubting what you know is true, this phrase has done its job. It’s an understated but often bizarrely effective way to gain control through confusion. You’re not senile, and there’s nothing wrong with your ability to recall words or events. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
3. “I was just joking, what’s wrong with you?”
When someone says something hurtful and immediately follows it with this phrase, it’s usually to avoid taking responsibility. It implies that you misunderstood the tone, not that they crossed a line. Used too often, this becomes a shield for cruelty. You’re left feeling bad for being upset, even though the comment was never funny to begin with. It’s not really a joke if no one’s laughing after all. They need to work on their comedy skills if they think their behaviour is there to get laughs.
4. “You always twist my words.”
This is a way of flipping the script when you try to hold someone accountable. Instead of engaging with what you’re saying, they accuse you of misinterpreting them. It’s a tactic meant to derail the conversation and make you feel like the unreliable one. Suddenly, you’re defending your understanding of what was said instead of addressing the actual issue. You heard what they said and you reacted accordingly. Just because they didn’t like it doesn’t make that any less true.
5. “Everyone else agrees with me.”
Bringing in invisible third parties is a sneaky way to pressure you into doubting your stance. It’s not just about proving a point; it’s about making you feel isolated in your perspective. This is called triangulation, and it’s especially annoying because it proves they need someone else to do their dirty work for them. If you’re not careful, it can leave you wondering whether your judgement is flawed or whether you’re genuinely being unreasonable, even if there’s no actual “everyone else” behind the claim.
6. “You’re just overthinking it all.”
This one is often used to shut down deeper questions or concerns. Instead of addressing what you’re bringing up, the person implies that your mind is the problem, not their behaviour or what they said. It can be especially damaging because it makes you feel like your ability to think critically or notice patterns is a flaw. In the long run, you start to doubt your instincts and stay silent rather than speak up. Don’t let this happen to you. In fact, you (and they!) should be thankful that someone in your relationship is doing the thinking.
7. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
There’s a difference between clarifying something and turning it around on you, and this phrase does the latter. It assumes bad intent on your part and paints you as someone who’s twisting their words on purpose. It puts you on the defensive and makes you feel like you’re the one creating tension, even if their original comment was vague or hurtful to begin with. If they didn’t mean what they said, why didn’t they say what they actually did mean? It’s really not that hard.
8. “You’re remembering it wrong.”
This is another classic gaslighting tactic. Instead of talking about what happened, they rewrite the event entirely, making you second-guess your memory and judgement. It’s a subtle way of taking control of the narrative, especially when there are no witnesses or receipts to back you up. It works because the more someone says it, the more you start to believe them. Again, unless you have some form of dementia or are suffering from concussion, your memory is working just fine.
9. “You’re the only one who sees it that way.”
Statements like this isolate you. They suggest that your perspective is so far off the mark that no one else would agree with you. It’s another way to undermine your confidence and shut the conversation down. Even if it’s not true, hearing this can make you feel like speaking up was a mistake, like you’re the problem simply for noticing a red flag or standing your ground.
10. “I never said that at all.”
This is meant to completely invalidate your experience. Even if you clearly remember what was said, they’ll deny it outright, forcing you to question whether it ever happened at all. It can be deeply destabilising, especially if this pattern happens frequently. You may start keeping notes or screenshots just to prove to yourself that you’re not imagining things. Of course, even producing the receipts isn’t likely to get you anywhere with someone like this.
11. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t think that.”
Here, love is being used as a weapon. Rather than discuss a disagreement or concern, they suggest that your very thoughts or doubts prove a lack of loyalty or care. It manipulates your emotions and makes you feel guilty for having boundaries, needs, or even questions. It ties love to silence and obedience instead of honesty and trust. In other words, it’s toxic and it’s never okay.
12. “You always make everything about you.”
This can be a very confusing phrase to hear, especially if you’re trying to express your feelings in a relationship. It flips the dynamic so that your need to be heard is framed as selfishness. In reality, speaking up about your experience isn’t narcissism, it’s communication. But if someone uses this line often enough, you’ll start to believe that your feelings are just an inconvenience.
13. “You’re imagining things.”
This is meant to discredit your perception entirely. It paints you as dramatic or unstable, even when your observations are perfectly reasonable or based on patterns of behaviour. It’s a deeply invalidating line that stops conversations before they can even start. And once you hear it enough, you begin to doubt your ability to trust your own eyes and ears. You’re not crazy and you’re not making things up. Don’t let them imply otherwise.
14. “I guess I’m just a terrible person, then.”
This one’s sneaky in that it sounds self-critical, but it’s actually a form of manipulation. It’s meant to make you feel guilty for pointing out an issue, moving the attention to their feelings instead of the original problem. It puts you in the position of comforter instead of someone with a valid concern. Suddenly, you’re the one reassuring them, even though you were the one who was hurt.
15. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
This one is used to shrink the seriousness of your experience. It frames your emotions or concerns as exaggerated and unimportant, making you feel like you’re blowing things out of proportion. It’s especially damaging when you’re trying to speak up about something that’s deeply affecting you. Being dismissed like this gnaws away at your voice, and your right to use it.
16. “You just love to argue, don’t you?”
This line is used when someone doesn’t want to be held accountable. Rather than deal with the substance of what you’re saying, they paint you as combative or argumentative. It’s a quick way to shut you down and avoid responsibility. But wanting to clarify something or address an issue isn’t picking a fight—it’s trying to be understood. There’s a difference, and it matters.
