All relationships take work, but if holding yours together seems like a constant uphill battle, there’s a problem.
While it’s not necessarily the end of the road, it’s important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) about the real state of affairs. Figuring out where you stand personally and as a couple isn’t easy, but asking yourself these questions should help. Answering them might be uncomfortable, but honesty is important.
1. Am I actually happy or just comfortable?
It’s easy to stick with what you know, even if it’s not great. Take a moment to really think about whether you’re genuinely happy, or if you’re just used to how things are. Are you excited to see your partner, or is it more of a “meh” feeling? Happiness shouldn’t be a rare occurrence in your relationship — it should be the norm.
2. Do I like who I am when I’m with my partner?
Pay attention to how you act and feel when you’re around your partner. Are you relaxed and yourself, or do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? A good relationship should bring out the best in you, not make you feel like you need to be someone else. If you find yourself constantly censoring your thoughts or changing your behaviour, it might be time to figure out why.
3. Am I holding on to stuff from the past?
We’ve all got baggage, but are you unpacking yours or just lugging it around? If you’re still stewing over something that happened months or years ago, it’s going to keep weighing you down. Think about whether you’re truly over past hurts, or if you’re using them as a shield (or a weapon) in your current relationship.
4. How do I handle the rough patches?
When things get tough, what’s your go-to move? Do you shut down, lash out, or face the problem head-on? Be honest with yourself about how you deal with conflicts. If your first instinct is to run away or start a fight, you might need to work on your problem-solving skills. Remember, it’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner.
5. Am I expecting my partner to be a mind reader?
We all wish our partners just “knew” what we wanted, but that’s not reality. Are you actually telling your partner what you need, or are you dropping hints and getting frustrated when they don’t pick up on them? Clear communication might feel awkward at first, but it beats the heck out of silent resentment.
6. Do I still make an effort?
Think back to the early days of your relationship. You probably put in a lot of effort to impress your partner. Are you still doing that? It’s easy to get complacent, but relationships need ongoing effort. This doesn’t mean grand gestures — even small things like really listening or planning a surprise date can make a big difference.
7. Am I taking my partner for granted?
It’s easy to get used to the good things your partner does and stop noticing them. When was the last time you thanked them for something they do regularly? Taking a moment to appreciate the little things can go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy.
8. Do I respect my partner’s boundaries?
Everyone needs their own space and time, even in a relationship. Are you okay with your partner having their own friends, hobbies, or alone time? If you find yourself getting annoyed or suspicious when your partner wants to do their own thing, it might be time to examine why you feel that way.
9. Am I being fair in our arguments?
Arguments happen, but how you argue matters. Do you fight to win, or to understand? Are you bringing up old issues just to score points? Think about whether you’re actually trying to resolve conflicts or if you’re just trying to come out on top. Fair fighting means sticking to the current issue and avoiding low blows.
10. Do I still make time for “us”?
Life gets busy, and it’s easy to let your relationship slide to the bottom of your priority list. When was the last time you had a proper date night or just spent quality time together without distractions? If you can’t remember, it might be time to rejig your schedule and make some “us” time.
11. Am I honest about the big stuff?
White lies about liking your partner’s cooking are one thing, but are you being truthful about the important stuff? This includes everything from your feelings about the relationship to your financial situation. Honesty can be scary, but it’s crucial for a healthy partnership. If you’re keeping big secrets, ask yourself why.
12. Do I actually listen to my partner?
There’s a difference between hearing and listening. When your partner is talking, are you really tuning in, or are you just waiting for your turn to speak? Good listening means putting down your phone, making eye contact, and really trying to understand their perspective — even if you don’t agree with it.
13. Am I expecting too much?
It’s great to have high standards, but are your expectations realistic? No one’s perfect, and your partner can’t fulfil every single one of your needs. Think about whether you’re asking for reasonable things or if you’re expecting your partner to be your everything. It’s okay to rely on friends, family, and yourself for some of your needs.
14. Do I bring my best self to the relationship?
It’s easy to focus on what your partner should be doing better, but what about you? Are you bringing your A-game to the relationship, or are you coasting? This doesn’t mean being perfect, but it does mean putting in effort, being kind, and working on your own issues. Your relationship is only as good as what both of you put into it.
15. Am I holding on to the relationship for the right reasons?
Sometimes we stay in relationships because we’re afraid of being alone, or because we’ve invested so much time already. Take a hard look at why you’re trying to make things work. Is it because you truly love and value your partner, or is it because you’re scared of the alternative? Staying for the wrong reasons isn’t fair to either of you.
16. Can I picture a future with this person?
Close your eyes and think about your future. Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Is your current partner in that picture? If you can’t imagine a long-term future together, or if the thought makes you uneasy, it might be time to consider why. A relationship doesn’t need to be heading towards marriage to be valid, but you should be on the same page about where you’re going.
