Making and keeping friends isn’t always easy, but when you’re a neurodivergent woman, it can feel like a constant balancing act.
You’re often stuck between trying to be yourself and trying to make everyone else comfortable, and neither option feels entirely safe. What looks like “shyness,” “intensity,” or even “flakiness” to other people can actually be you doing your best to navigate a world that’s just not built for your wiring. If friendship feels more exhausting than it should, these might be some of the reasons why.
1. You mask so well, people don’t realise when you’re struggling.
You might spend time with people, smile at the right times, ask thoughtful questions, and leave them thinking everything’s fine. But inside, you’re probably monitoring every word, second-guessing every reaction, and mentally preparing for the recovery time you’ll need later.
This can lead to one-sided friendships where you give a lot emotionally but rarely get the support you need. And because people assume you’re coping, they often don’t check in or notice when you’re quietly drowning.
2. Small talk feels unnatural, but skipping it confuses people.
You’d probably rather have a deep, meaningful chat about life, identity, or something oddly specific like mushroom spores than talk about the weather. But most people expect light social fluff before they’ll open up. So, you either force yourself to play along and feel drained, or skip the small talk and risk coming off as intense or blunt. Neither option feels good, and that constant friction can make casual friendship feel out of reach.
3. You don’t always notice social “tests” people set up.
Neurotypical friendships often come with a bunch of unwritten rules, like waiting to see if someone remembers your birthday, picks up on hints, or reacts a certain way in a group chat. A lot of these feel pointless or confusing when your brain doesn’t naturally scan for that kind of thing. You might not realise you’ve “failed” a test until the vibe changes, or someone ghosts you without warning. You’re left wondering what went wrong when, from your perspective, nothing even happened.
4. Group dynamics can feel overwhelming and unpredictable.
Hanging out with one person might feel calm and comfortable. But the minute you’re in a group, especially a large or loud one, it can turn into sensory overload, layered conversations, and a fast-moving mix of tones you’re expected to keep up with. It’s hard to know when to speak, when to leave, or how to follow inside jokes that you might have missed. So even if people say “You’re welcome anytime,” it doesn’t always feel that way when you’re in the room.
5. You overthink your texts (and then ghost by accident).
Keeping up with messages sounds easy on paper. However, when you’re neurodivergent, replying can take real effort, especially if you’re not sure how to word something, or you’re worried about how it’ll land. So you leave it for later, meaning to respond when you have the energy or mental clarity… and then later never comes. Suddenly, it’s been days or weeks, and now replying feels awkward. It’s not that you don’t care. You care too much, and that’s part of the problem.
6. People mistake your honesty for rudeness.
You probably say what you mean, and mean what you say. Sadly, a lot of people are used to sugarcoating, indirect hints, or reading between the lines, and they might not know how to take you. What you intend as straightforward can land as abrupt. What you think is helpful might be seen as criticism. And instead of appreciating your honesty, some people back away because they don’t know how to handle that kind of clarity.
7. You feel things deeply, but don’t always show it in expected ways.
You might care more than anyone realises. You think about your friends, remember small things they said, and want to support them. The problem is, you don’t always express it in a way that registers with neurotypical people.
Maybe you don’t say “I love you” often, but you send them memes that reminded you of them, or research their favourite topic because you genuinely want to understand. These gestures can go unnoticed, leaving you feeling like you’re doing friendship wrong when you’re just doing it differently.
8. You’ve been burned by fake closeness before.
People can love-bomb friendships too. Maybe someone acted super close with you for weeks, only to vanish when things stopped being convenient, or when you showed a more vulnerable side. After a few of these, it’s hard to trust people’s warmth. You start keeping a bit more of yourself hidden, waiting to see if they really mean it. That hesitation can make connections feel slower and more fragile than you’d like.
9. You don’t do surface-level very well.
It’s hard to stay invested in friendships that never move beyond updates and pleasantries. You want to talk about real stuff—what someone’s afraid of, what excites them, how they actually feel. But not everyone’s comfortable going there. That mismatch can leave you feeling bored or disconnected, even in a group of “friends.” It’s not that you don’t want connection—you want depth. That can be hard to find, especially when most people keep things light by default.
10. You’re emotionally exhausted from constantly translating yourself.
Source: Unsplash There’s often a gap between what you feel and what you can express in a way other people understand. You’re constantly editing your tone, trying to read the room, and double-checking that your words won’t be misread. Eventually, that wears you out. Friendship shouldn’t feel like a performance, but when you’re neurodivergent, it can take everything in you just to pass as “relatable,” and that’s a lonely place to be.
