Some things people ask of you seem completely innocent on the surface, but underneath, they might just be about power, not preference.
Controlling people rarely come straight out and say, “I want to control you,” so they mask it as concern, politeness, or even love. After a while, these small requests add up, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly adjusting yourself to keep someone else happy. If you’ve ever had a gut feeling that something felt a bit off about something someone wanted you to do, here’s why — it might not be as harmless as it seems. (And just to clarify, someone asking one or two of these things of you occasionally isn’t necessarily a red flag, but if pretty much every one seems familiar from a particular person, there might be a bigger issue.)
1. “Can you just text me when you get there?”
On the surface, this sounds like a caring request, and sometimes it is. But when it starts feeling like an obligation rather than a thoughtful check-in, it can be a subtle form of control. If someone gets upset when you forget to text or starts questioning why you didn’t message immediately, it’s no longer about safety — it’s about monitoring your movements. The more they insist on updates, the less freedom you have without them watching.
2. “I just want to know what you’re up to.”
There’s nothing wrong with partners, friends, or family members showing interest in your life, but when someone is constantly asking for details about your whereabouts, plans, or who you’re with, it can be a way of keeping tabs on you. It might start as casual curiosity, but if they start questioning your choices or making you feel guilty for doing things without them, the ‘innocent’ request turns into control disguised as concern.
3. “Let me know if you change your mind.”
At first glance, this sounds like a respectful way to accept a ‘no.’ But if someone keeps repeating it, it’s often a way to wear you down. Instead of taking your decision at face value, they’re leaving the door open to keep pushing. This is a classic way to get someone to cave without directly pressuring them. You start second-guessing yourself, and before you know it, you’re agreeing to something you didn’t actually want to do.
4. “You don’t mind if I borrow this, do you?”
Framed as a question, this request makes it seem like you have a choice — but in reality, it assumes you’ll say yes. It puts you in a position where saying no feels awkward or even rude. People who do this often rely on social pressure, knowing most people won’t object outright. Over time, it can escalate into taking things without asking or making bigger decisions on your behalf without considering your opinion.
5. “I just think it’d be nice if we did things together more.”
On the surface, this sounds like a sweet request for quality time. But if it comes with guilt-tripping, subtle shaming, or makes you feel bad for wanting time to yourself, it’s about control. Healthy relationships respect independence. If someone frames your need for personal space as neglecting them, they’re not asking for time together — they’re asking for control over how you spend your time.
6. “Could you just do this one little thing for me?”
A small favour now and then is completely normal. But when someone constantly makes ‘small’ requests that take up your time, energy, or resources, it can be a way of gradually pushing boundaries. These favours start small but often escalate, and before you realise it, you’re constantly rearranging your schedule to accommodate their needs. If you feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no, that’s a red flag.
7. “Why don’t you wear this instead?”
It might sound like a casual suggestion, but when someone regularly comments on what you wear, how you style yourself, or what you should change, it’s often about control. This kind of request can be framed as helpful or affectionate, but it eats away at your autonomy. If you feel like your choices are being criticised rather than supported, or if their ‘suggestions’ come with judgment, they’re not just making a request—they’re trying to shape how you present yourself.
8. “I don’t get why you talk to them so much.”
Instead of outright saying, “I don’t want you talking to that person,” controlling people often disguise their discomfort as an innocent observation. It can be a way of slowly influencing who you interact with. As time goes on, you might start avoiding certain people just to avoid arguments, even if the person questioning you never directly said to stop talking to them. That’s how subtle control works — it makes you feel like you’re making the decision yourself.
9. “Can we just agree not to talk about this anymore?”
At first, this might seem like a way to keep the peace. But if someone regularly shuts down conversations they don’t like or avoids topics that challenge them, it’s a way of controlling what’s discussed. Shutting down tough discussions means they never have to face uncomfortable truths. It also leaves you feeling unheard, like your thoughts and feelings aren’t valid enough to be discussed.
10. “Can I use your phone for a sec?”
It seems like a harmless request, but if someone constantly asks to use your phone, especially when they don’t really need to, it might be about checking who you’re talking to or what you’re doing. If they make a habit of glancing at your screen, scrolling through your messages, or ‘accidentally’ seeing something private, they’re not just borrowing your phone — they’re keeping an eye on you.
11. “Can you just explain why you feel that way again?”
At first, this might sound like they’re trying to understand you, but if you find yourself constantly justifying your feelings, it could be a form of subtle invalidation. People who use this tactic don’t actually want an explanation; they want to exhaust you into backing down. The more they make you prove your emotions are valid, the more doubt they plant in your mind.
12. “I just think you’d be happier if you did this.”
Disguised as concern, this request is often about controlling your choices. It makes it seem like they have your best interests at heart, but what they’re really saying is, “I know what’s best for you.” When someone repeatedly tells you what would make you happier, despite you not feeling the same way, they’re not supporting you — they’re trying to shape your decisions without outright demanding it.
13. “I’d just feel better if you didn’t do that.”
This is supposed to make you feel like the reasonable thing to do is change your behaviour to accommodate their feelings. But while compromise is normal, constantly adjusting to keep someone else comfortable isn’t. It’s a way of making their emotions your responsibility, putting pressure on you to fix things by sacrificing your own wants and needs. If someone always uses their feelings to control your actions, that’s not a request. In reality, it’s emotional manipulation.
14. “I was just hoping you’d do this for me, no pressure.”
Adding “no pressure” to a request doesn’t always mean there’s no pressure. In fact, it often has the opposite effect — it makes you feel like saying no would be disappointing or rude. When someone constantly makes requests in a way that makes you feel guilty for not agreeing, it’s a subtle control tactic. It flips the responsibility onto you while making them look completely reasonable.
