Narcissists rarely admit when they’ve done something wrong, of course.
Instead, they serve up a range of excuses, deflections, and spin that twist the blame and keep them from being accountable. A lot of the time, the phrases they use sound almost ridiculous—until you realise how often people fall for them. These are some of the most common (and absurd) things they’ll say to justify their bad behaviour. If you hear them, don’t internalise them. Just roll your eyes and move on.
1. “I was just being honest—sorry you’re too sensitive.”
On the surface, this sounds like they’re standing up for honesty. However, what they’re really doing is dodging accountability for being rude or harsh. Narcissists often disguise cruelty as blunt truth, and if you’re hurt, that’s framed as your issue, not theirs. They’re trying to control you when they use this one. It’s their way of saying they get to say whatever they want, and you don’t get to have feelings about it.
2. “I didn’t lie—I just didn’t tell you everything.”
This is one of those sneaky phrases that sounds technically true while still being deeply dishonest. A narcissist will split hairs between omission and deception so they can feel justified while still keeping the upper hand. Instead of being open, they manipulate what you know to protect their image. And when you call them out, you’re treated like the unreasonable one for expecting full honesty in the first place.
3. “You made me act that way.”
This one’s a classic deflection tactic. Rather than taking responsibility for losing their temper or crossing a line, they’ll pin it on your tone, your behaviour, or your emotions. In their eyes, their actions are never standalone choices—they’re always reactions to you. It’s a way of dodging the mirror. They don’t want to examine their part, so they turn you into the trigger. And the more you buy into that, the more power they get over how you show up.
4. “That’s just how I am, so deal with it.”
Instead of showing any willingness to reflect or grow, narcissists often use this phrase to shut down conversation. They present their flaws as fixed traits and imply you’re unreasonable for wanting anything different. This has nothing to do with authenticity, of course; it’s about laziness and entitlement. Growth takes work, and they’d rather convince you to lower your standards than meet you where you are.
5. “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
When something hurts you, this one can feel like a slap in the face. Narcissists use it to brush off your experience and maintain control over how serious the situation is allowed to feel. They act like your emotional response is the problem, not the thing they did. As time goes on, this teaches you to question your instincts, and that’s exactly how they keep getting away with it.
6. “You always take everything the wrong way.”
Rather than clarify their words or explain their intent, narcissists often throw this line out to make you feel irrational. The more you try to explain how something affected you, the more they double down on the idea that you’re just misinterpreting. It’s not a misunderstanding—it’s a silencing tactic. The goal is to make you second-guess your perception until you stop trusting your own reactions altogether.
7. “I was just joking! Can’t you take a joke?”
This one’s a go-to when they get called out for something cutting. By framing their words as humour or a bit of banter, they avoid owning any harm. If you’re upset, you’re the one “ruining the vibe.” It’s a clever way to excuse cruelty. And when someone consistently uses jokes to mask criticism or control, it’s less about humour and more about keeping emotional power.
8. “Everyone else thinks I’m great. You’re the only one who sees a problem.”
This phrase weaponises their public image. It suggests that if you’re hurt, you must be wrong because clearly no one else has ever had an issue with them. It’s isolating and deeply manipulative. It changes the conversation from what they did to what’s wrong with you for noticing. Plus, it subtly pressures you to stay quiet, even when something clearly doesn’t feel right.
9. “You’re overreacting again.”
This one hits hard because it lands at the moment you’re being vulnerable. Instead of responding with empathy, the narcissist reframes your emotional response as irrational, dramatic, or unstable. It’s not just invalidating, it’s gaslighting. And when it happens often enough, you start minimising your own feelings before they even get a chance to.
10. “At least I’m not as bad as [insert person or situation].”
When you bring up their behaviour, they immediately move the spotlight onto someone worse. It could be an ex, a coworker, or a story in the news, but it’s always someone they can use to make themselves look better by comparison. It’s a form of deflection dressed as perspective, and the more they do it, the more they normalise harm by lowering the bar instead of raising their standards.
11. “I only said that because I love you.”
This one turns hurtful comments into twisted forms of affection. It suggests that their harshness was for your own good, and that you should be grateful for it. In healthy relationships, love doesn’t have to be painful to be real. However, narcissists often lean on this kind of emotional distortion to keep you tied to them through guilt and confusion.
12. “You never focus on the good things I do.”
This one usually comes up when you’re pointing out a pattern that needs to change. Instead of hearing you, the narcissist goes into self-pity mode and reminds you of everything they’ve ever done right. They’re not actually looking for appreciation here. Instead, it’s their way of erasing the current conversation. They want your discomfort to feel unfair, so they don’t have to have a closer look at what needs to change.
13. “I didn’t mean it like that, so stop twisting my words.”
When you bring up something that clearly crossed a line, they’ll accuse you of misrepresenting their intent. Narcissists love this tactic because it muddies the waters and forces you to justify your reaction. It makes you feel like you’re constantly overanalysing or reading too much into things, even when your gut reaction was spot on. And that self-doubt is exactly what they’re counting on.
14. “I’ve done so much for you—you owe me.”
This one often shows up when they’re trying to guilt-trip you into letting something slide. They bring up past favours or sacrifices as currency, like they’ve earned the right to hurt you now and then. Of course, real care doesn’t come with strings attached. If their kindness always comes with a bill, it’s not generosity. It’s manipulation dressed up as loyalty.
15. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
At first glance, this might sound like a backhanded joke. However, underneath, it’s a loaded statement meant to keep you small. It implies that you’re difficult, flawed, or lucky to have them at all—regardless of how they treat you. Eventually, it wears you down. You start believing that maybe you are the hard one to love, which makes you stay even when the treatment gets worse. And that’s exactly how they keep control.
