Sometimes the people who claim to have your back are the ones just waiting for a chance to shove you under the bus.
Why they do this is anyone’s guess. Maybe they dislike you but don’t want a confrontation; it’s possible you’ve done something to upset them, and now they want revenge. Or, maybe they’re just terrible people—who knows? Either way, it’s important to recognise when someone’s support for you isn’t genuine so you can protect yourself, so keep your eyes peeled for these signs that someone is only pretending to be supportive.
1. They give you forced compliments.
Source: Unsplash One major red flag is when their compliments sound more like homework assignments than genuine praise. They might deliver those kind words with a flat tone or a half-hearted smile, leaving you suspicious about their true intentions. Instead of cheering you on wholeheartedly, they dish out lukewarm remarks that feel more perfunctory than proud.
In genuinely supportive relationships, compliments don’t come with disclaimers or sneaky jabs. If you’re hearing things like, “Well, that’s good for you, I guess,” trust your gut—something’s off. Real friends can’t help but show authentic excitement when you succeed, so if their “nice” words feel hollow, they’re probably not really in your corner.
2. They undercut your achievements.
You announce a promotion, and they casually brush it off or compare it to something bigger someone else accomplished. It’s like your good news barely registers on their radar, or they wave it away with a dismissive, “It’s not that impressive.” Any subtle remark meant to downplay your win is a big sign they’re not truly rooting for you.
Real friends don’t have to fake enthusiasm; they’re the ones hyping you up, no matter how minor the milestone. If this person routinely deflates your pride by hinting you got lucky or didn’t earn it, they’re not championing your growth. Pay attention to how you feel after sharing accomplishments—if you end up more uncertain than before, something’s wrong.
3. They disappear when you need backup.
Being supportive goes beyond liking your social media posts. When you’re in genuine trouble—financial issues, emotional crises, or tough family stuff—do they ghost you? People who are all about public appearances but go MIA when the going gets rough might just be pretending to care.
Everyone has busy seasons, but truly loyal friends find a way to check in, even if it’s just a quick text. If you notice they only circle back when things are looking up again, they’re not invested in your real well-being. A ride-or-die friend isn’t only around for the highlight reel; they show up when the cameras aren’t rolling.
4. They fish for secrets.
Sometimes they’ll cosy up to you with a sympathetic ear, but you get the sense they’re mining for juicy details rather than truly empathising. They’ll probe with follow-up questions about your personal life that feel slightly invasive, then tuck away your answers to share with other people, or hold for future leverage.
A real confidant respects your boundaries, never pushing beyond what you’re comfortable revealing. If you’re wondering why they’re so eager for private intel, trust that nagging feeling. True allies don’t twist your vulnerabilities into gossip gold—they help protect them.
5. They play both sides.
You think they’re in your corner, but then you find out they’re pally with someone who’s been actively trashing you. They claim they’re “staying neutral” or “just avoiding drama,” but neutrality often masks fence-sitting. Real friends don’t keep a foot in opposing camps to see which side will benefit them more.
Sure, you can have mutual acquaintances without stirring conflict, but there’s a big difference between being cordial and ignoring blatant negativity. If they never speak up for you (or worse, nod along), they’re indirectly fuelling the problem. Genuine supporters don’t watch you get roasted—they step in or step away.
6. They’re rarely excited when good things happen to you.
When you land a new role, finish a huge project, or conquer a personal goal, they don’t exactly jump for joy. Maybe they mutter a quick “nice” and then pivot the conversation to themselves. It’s a glaring red flag if all your high points get glossed over like they’re no big deal.
A true cheerleader lights up when you do well because they genuinely want the best for you. If your achievements are met with apathy or an immediate shift to their own stories, question whether they’re just faking support. Enthusiasm for your success should be automatic if they really have your back.
7. They spread subtle rumours.
Ever hear a strange story about yourself and trace it back to someone who claims to care about you? They might defend themselves by saying, “I was just worried” or “I didn’t mean anything by it,” but if it sparks confusion or tarnishes your rep, it’s still gossip.
In real friendships, concerns are addressed directly, not whispered around behind your back. If they’re fuelling doubts about you to other people, trust that it’s more than a misunderstanding. Good intentions don’t spawn negative whispers—especially not repeatedly. A true friend’s focus is on clearing your name, not planting seeds of speculation.
8. They bring constant drama.
Some people chase conflict and chaos like it’s entertainment. If every interaction leaves you exhausted or tangled in their web of issues, they might be more into the theatrics than genuine connection. They want an audience, not an equal.
Rather than listening to your struggles, they often pivot to their own meltdown or drag you into petty fights. If it feels like you’re just a supporting character in their personal soap opera, they’re not really supporting you at all. Real friends balance give-and-take; drama kings and queens just want a spotlight and a sympathetic ear on demand.
9. They claim they’re “just being real.”
Source: Pexels This is the classic shield people use to mask outright rudeness. They’ll drop harsh opinions or pick at your insecurities, then shrug and say, “I’m only telling you the truth.” While constructive feedback can help you grow, constant put-downs disguised as honesty usually do more harm than good.
If you leave every conversation feeling belittled or drained, that’s not healthy. Real concern comes wrapped in empathy. People who truly support you want to build you up, not tear you down under the banner of “tough love.” If their “honesty” stings without ever offering a path forward, it’s likely just negativity in disguise.
10. They only show up for the spotlight.
Some people are MIA when you’re dealing with everyday stress, but the second there’s a big event or photo-op, they reappear, camera-ready. It’s like they treat your successes or gatherings as networking opportunities rather than real moments of connection.
It can feel jarring to realise they’re only around for the fun stuff, never the heavy lifting. A true friend is there regardless, through random Tuesday blahs, heartbreak, and celebrations alike. If they cherry-pick your shining moments to ride your coattails, watch out. That’s not support; that’s opportunism.
11. They compare you to other people all the time.
A real sign of someone only pretending to support you is constant comparisons. They’ll toss out compliments that end with, “But have you seen how so-and-so does it?” or “Why can’t you be more like them?” Each statement chips away at your confidence instead of boosting it.
Real friends cheer you on for being you. Sure, they might offer suggestions or share examples, but not in a way that makes you feel small. If they’re forever pointing out someone else’s achievements, they’re basically saying you don’t measure up. That’s not the vibe of a genuine ally.
12. They keep score of favours.
In healthy relationships, you help each other out without whipping out a calculator. But a fake supporter acts like every kind gesture is a loan that requires immediate repayment. They’ll remind you of any help they gave, expecting you to jump at their beck and call because, “Remember when I did X for you?”
Genuine friends do favours out of care, not to stockpile leverage. It’s not that you shouldn’t reciprocate; it’s that true generosity doesn’t come with an invoice. If they always tally up who owes who, it’s more about control than compassion.
13. They sabotage your self-esteem.
Sometimes the biggest sign is just how you feel when you’re around them. If you notice yourself doubting your abilities, looks, or worth after hanging out, it’s no coincidence. They might slide in backhanded compliments or subtle jabs that make you question your own value.
True supporters might offer constructive feedback, but they never chip away at your core confidence. If your self-esteem takes a dive every time you talk, that’s a huge red flag. A genuine ally wants to see you thriving, not depending on their approval. If your gut’s telling you their “support” is messing with your head, trust it.
