Not everyone you meet will be a safe person to open up to.
Some people create an environment where you feel seen, heard, and respected, while others make you feel drained, anxious, or unsure of yourself. Emotional safety requires more than just avoiding toxic behaviour; it’s also about feeling comfortable to be yourself without fear of manipulation, judgement, or emotional harm. The tricky part is that emotionally unsafe people aren’t always obvious. They don’t necessarily yell or start fights; sometimes, they work in more subtle ways, slowly making you question your own emotions and boundaries. Whether it’s a friend, partner, family member, or coworker, here are some red flags that you shouldn’t let your guard down around them.
1. They dismiss your feelings instead of validating or even acknowledging them.
When you open up about something that’s bothering you, emotionally unsafe people tend to downplay, mock, or completely ignore what you’re feeling. Instead of validating your emotions, they make you feel like you’re overreacting or being dramatic, often with phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “it’s not that bad.” If this happens repeatedly, you may start to internalise their reactions and believe that your emotions are exaggerated or unimportant.
After a while, it makes it harder to trust your own emotions, leaving you unsure whether your feelings are even valid. It can also make you hesitant to express yourself in the future, fearing that no matter what you say, it’ll be brushed aside. Safe people listen, acknowledge, and offer support; emotionally unsafe people make you feel like your emotions are an inconvenience.
2. They make everything about themselves.
Conversations with them always seem to circle back to their own problems, achievements, or opinions, no matter what the original topic was. Even when you’re going through something tough, they’ll find a way to bring the focus back to themselves and their experiences. You might notice that when you’re talking about your struggles, they quickly bring up a story about how they had it worse, making it feel like your problems don’t matter.
Instead of being a source of support, they make you feel like your struggles are secondary — or worse, completely unimportant. That kind of behaviour can be exhausting, leaving you feeling like you’re there to serve their emotional needs without getting anything in return. Relationships should be a two-way street, but with emotionally unsafe people, the conversation is always one-sided.
3. You feel drained after spending time with them.
Instead of feeling supported, energised, or understood, you often leave conversations with them feeling mentally exhausted. Their presence takes more from you than it gives, whether it’s through constant negativity, emotional dumping, or subtle manipulation. At first, you might not notice the toll it’s taking on you, but over time, you start dreading interactions with them because you know they’ll leave you feeling emotionally depleted.
If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling worse instead of better, it’s a sign that the emotional dynamic isn’t healthy. You might need time to recover after seeing them, as though you’ve just run an emotional marathon. True emotional safety means feeling lighter and more at peace after spending time with someone, not like you need to recharge for days.
4. They use guilt or shame to control you.
They have a way of making you feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault or pressuring you into doing things you don’t want to do. Whether it’s through passive-aggressive comments, silent treatment, or outright guilt trips, they make you feel like saying no isn’t an option. They might say things like, “I guess I’ll just do it myself then” or “If you really cared, you would help me,” making you feel selfish for setting boundaries.
In the end, this can make you feel obligated to please them at your own expense, which is a clear sign of an unhealthy emotional environment. The worst part? You start anticipating their reactions before they even happen, adjusting your behaviour to avoid feeling guilty. Safe relationships allow space for you to say no without fear of emotional consequences.
5. They constantly criticise or belittle you.
Even under the disguise of “joking,” emotionally unsafe people often take jabs at your personality, intelligence, or appearance. They might claim they’re just teasing, but their comments leave you feeling small, insecure, or like you have to prove yourself. You might find yourself laughing along, even when it hurts, because calling them out only leads to more criticism.
While constructive feedback can be healthy, constant criticism that chips away at your confidence is not. If someone’s words make you feel less sure of yourself rather than more supported, that’s a major red flag. Emotional safety means feeling comfortable in your own skin, not like you’re constantly walking into an audition you didn’t sign up for.
6. They never take responsibility for their behaviour.
Nothing is ever their fault, no matter the situation. If they hurt your feelings, they either deny it, shift the blame onto you, or make excuses instead of offering a genuine apology. They might say things like, “You’re too sensitive,” or “I didn’t mean it like that,” instead of simply owning up to their behaviour.
You’re left feeling like you have to justify your own pain, which can make you question whether you’re overreacting, even when your feelings are completely valid. A truly safe person is willing to apologise and take accountability when they’ve done something wrong. If someone refuses to acknowledge their mistakes, they’re not emotionally safe to be around.
7. They twist your words or rewrite history.
You remember a conversation one way, but they insist you said something completely different. They deny making certain promises or claims, leaving you second-guessing your own memory and experiences. Sometimes, they’ll twist situations so convincingly that you actually start believing you might be the one misremembering.
That type of gaslighting is a form of manipulation that makes it hard to trust yourself, and it can be incredibly damaging in the long run. Emotionally safe people don’t play mind games; they value honesty and mutual understanding. If someone makes you feel like you’re constantly questioning your own reality, they are not a safe presence in your life.
8. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them.
Instead of feeling comfortable being yourself, you constantly monitor what you say or do to avoid setting them off. Their moods are unpredictable, and one wrong word could result in an argument, passive-aggressive behaviour, or even silent treatment. It creates an underlying tension, making every interaction feel more like a test than a genuine conversation.
After a while, you might notice that your natural personality starts fading around them. You second-guess harmless comments, hesitate before expressing opinions, and carefully choose words to prevent conflict. A safe relationship doesn’t require this kind of emotional hyper-awareness; if you can’t relax and be yourself, something is wrong.
9. They downplay your successes but expect praise for theirs.
When something good happens in your life, they either ignore it, act unimpressed, or find a way to one-up you. Instead of celebrating your wins, they’ll subtly diminish them with backhanded compliments like, “That’s good, but anyone can do that” or “I guess it’s nice, but I’ve done something similar before.” It’s not always outright negativity; sometimes, it’s just a lack of enthusiasm.
However, when they accomplish something, they expect full recognition, support, and admiration. If they get a promotion, run a marathon, or even just try a new hobby, they want everyone to acknowledge it. Emotionally unsafe people struggle with genuine happiness for other people, and their inability to celebrate your success can make your achievements feel hollow.
10. They make you question your own reality.
They have a way of making you doubt yourself, whether it’s by twisting the truth, invalidating your feelings, or making you feel like you’re overreacting. You start wondering if you’re being too sensitive or reading into things too much, even when your instincts are telling you something is off. This can be especially confusing if they mix moments of kindness with dismissiveness, making you feel unsure whether you’re imagining the problem.
This subtle form of emotional manipulation can be incredibly damaging, making it harder to trust your own experiences. Gaslighting, even in mild forms, can leave you feeling lost and disconnected from your own intuition. Safe people don’t make you doubt yourself; they help you feel more secure in your thoughts and feelings.
11. They use your vulnerabilities against you.
At first, they may seem like a good listener, encouraging you to share your fears, insecurities, or past traumas. But later, they use those same things against you, whether it’s in arguments, jokes, or as a way to manipulate your emotions. If you confide in them about a past mistake or something that deeply affected you, they might bring it up later in a way that makes you feel small or ashamed.
Someone who truly cares about you won’t weaponise your past or use your personal struggles to hurt you when it benefits them. If you notice that your most vulnerable moments are being twisted into a tool for control, that’s a clear sign of emotional unsafety. Safe people hold your secrets with care, not as ammunition.
12. They isolate you from other supportive relationships.
They subtly (or not so subtly) discourage you from spending time with friends, family, or other people who care about you. Whether it’s through guilt-tripping, jealousy, or control, they make you feel like they’re the only person you can rely on. They might make comments about how certain friends “don’t really care about you” or how your family “just doesn’t understand” you like they do.
That emotional isolation is a classic control tactic, making it harder for you to get outside perspectives on the situation. The more they separate you from your support system, the easier it is for them to manipulate you without interference. If someone in your life tries to make you emotionally dependent on them alone, that’s a red flag.
13. They refuse to respect your boundaries.
Whether it’s your time, emotions, or personal space, emotionally unsafe people push past your limits. If you say no to something, they either pressure you until you give in or act like your boundaries are unreasonable and selfish. They might guilt-trip you with statements like, “I just don’t understand why you’re being so difficult” or “I thought we were closer than that.”
A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, but if someone consistently disregards your comfort zones, they don’t truly respect you. You shouldn’t have to explain or defend basic boundaries; safe people understand and accept them without making you feel bad. If someone continually ignores your limits, they are showing you that your well-being is not a priority to them.
14. You feel worse about yourself after spending time with them.
After interacting with them, you often feel drained, insecure, or just off. Instead of feeling uplifted or supported, you feel like you’ve lost energy, confidence, or peace of mind. It might not happen every time, but if you notice a pattern of feeling emotionally exhausted after seeing them, it’s worth questioning why.
Emotionally safe people make you feel seen, valued, and respected, so if someone consistently leaves you feeling worse, they’re not a safe presence in your life. Pay attention to how you feel around people; your emotions are often the best indicator of whether a relationship is healthy or not. If spending time with someone consistently leaves you feeling unsure of yourself, it might be time to rethink their place in your life.
