When stress levels are high or things get tough, it’s easy to resort to choosing sides.
You start to put yourself in one group and your “enemy” — as imagined as they might be — into another, and you look for ways to justify why you’re better than them. Unsurprisingly, this often leads to unfair bias and prejudice against anyone you deem to be “other” than you, and that’s extremely problematic. No one wants to admit they have an “us-vs-them” mentality, but if you recognise any of these behaviours or patterns of thinking, you may need to put some serious work into reshaping your perspective.
1. You see people in rigid categories.
Do you tend to look at people and immediately place them into one of two boxes: good or bad, right or wrong? If there’s no room for nuance, and you start dividing the world into strict categories, it’s a sign that you might be trapped in an “us-vs-them” mentality. That kind of thinking makes it hard to connect with anyone or find common ground because it’s all about labelling. People are complex, and seeing them as anything other than a label limits your ability to truly understand them. Start paying attention to moments when you categorise people, and try to see them as individuals instead of types. You’ll find it much easier to build bridges when you start thinking beyond those rigid boundaries.
2. You feel defensive when anyone challenges your views.
When someone disagrees with you, do you feel the need to defend your position immediately? Your defensive reaction is often a sign that you’re seeing the conversation as a battle rather than a chance to understand someone else’s perspective. When you’re caught up in an “us-vs-them” mindset, you see differing opinions as threats. But here’s the thing: defensiveness blocks meaningful conversation. If you let yourself pause, listen, and genuinely take in what the other person is saying, you might find your understanding of the topic growing. You shouldn’t be focused on “winning” the argument — it’s about being open to learning.
3. You assume “they” can’t understand your experiences.
How often do you think to yourself, “They’ll never understand what I’ve been through”? It’s easy to make that assumption, especially if someone’s experiences seem vastly different from your own. But when you assume no one can empathise with you or your struggles, you’re building walls instead of bridges. The truth is, empathy doesn’t always require shared experiences — the willingness to listen and connect on a human level are far more important. Even if someone hasn’t walked in your shoes, they might surprise you with their understanding if you’re open to giving them the chance.
4. You feel validated by pointing out “their” flaws.
Sometimes, it feels good to point out the flaws in the “other side,” doesn’t it? It gives you a sense of validation, like you’ve got the moral high ground. But the thing is, that only reinforces the divide. It makes it harder to see the good in people, and it stops you from reflecting on your own flaws. If you find yourself focusing more on their shortcomings than on the bigger picture, it’s a sign that you’re deep into “us-vs-them” thinking. Shifting your focus from criticism to positive, constructive conversations can help you see the humanity in other people — and yourself.
5. You avoid interacting with people outside your group.
If you’re always gravitating towards people who think like you and avoiding those who don’t, it’s a sign you might be trapped in a bubble. It feels safer, doesn’t it? It’s comfortable to stick with what you know, and it’s easier to surround yourself with people who share your views. But in doing so, you’re cutting yourself off from so many other perspectives. When you push yourself to look for more diverse voices and ideas, you open up the door to personal growth. Stepping outside your comfort zone can be tough, but it’s incredibly rewarding in the long run.
6. You frame disagreements as personal attacks.
Do you find yourself feeling personally attacked when someone disagrees with you? It’s a typical “us-vs-them” reaction, where different opinions feel like threats rather than opportunities for growth. Healthy disagreements don’t have to be hostile — they can be chances to learn something new. When you let go of the belief that you need to “win” the conversation, you’ll find that it becomes easier to listen, reflect, and engage with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
7. You only consume media that aligns with your beliefs.
Do you stick to reading news, social media pages, or watching content that only reinforces your own views? While it feels comforting to stay in that echo chamber, it can feed into a really divisive mindset. When you only surround yourself with one perspective, opposing ideas feel more threatening or alien. But when you diversify your media intake, you gain a broader understanding of the world. You don’t have to agree with everything you consume, but being open to other viewpoints allows you to engage in a more balanced way.
8. You use “we” and “they” language a lot.
How often do you catch yourself saying things like, “We always do this,” or “They never do that”? This type of language creates a divide, making the “other” group seem so different from your own. It keeps you focused on the differences instead of the similarities. Try shifting your language to be more inclusive. Instead of “They don’t get it,” try, “We see this differently.” Simple changes like this help you approach conversations with a more open mind and can reduce the divide between “us” and “them.”
9. You assume people not in your group have bad intentions.
When someone from the “other side” does something you don’t agree with, do you assume they had bad intentions? It’s easy to jump to conclusions about people’s motives, especially when we’re caught up in the divide. But that assumption only deepens the gap. In reality, most people act based on their own experiences and perspectives, not with the intent to harm. Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt can open the door to more empathy and understanding, even when you don’t agree with them.
10. You find it hard to celebrate “their” successes.
If someone from the “other side” succeeds, do you feel a pang of resentment or dismiss their achievement? That’s a sure sign that the “us-vs-them” mentality is alive and well. Success doesn’t have to be a competition. Someone else’s win doesn’t mean a loss for you. When you celebrate the good things that happen to other people, you create an atmosphere of mutual respect and connection, rather than seeing success as a zero-sum game. There’s enough space for everyone to thrive.
11. You feel threatened by compromise.
Compromise can feel like losing in an “us-vs-them” way of thinking. If meeting in the middle makes you feel uneasy, it might be because you view compromise as giving up your ground rather than finding common ground. But real progress often happens when both sides are willing to give a little. Compromise doesn’t mean you’re losing; it means you’re working together to find a solution that works for everyone.
12. You generalise about “them.”
Statements like “They always…” or “People like that…” make it easier to dismiss people as just part of a group, rather than individuals with their own thoughts and experiences. That kind of generalisation makes it easy to perpetuate stereotypes and miss out on the richness of human diversity. The next time you catch yourself generalising, take a step back. Get to know the person behind the label — they might surprise you.
13. You focus more on differences than similarities.
When you’re stuck in an “us-vs-them” mentality, it’s easy to fixate on what separates people. But the more you focus on what’s different, the further apart you feel. Instead, try looking for common ground. Whether it’s shared values, experiences, or goals, recognising what unites us can break down barriers and bring people together. There’s more that connects us than divides us, and that’s where the real magic happens.
