We all have our moments of being less than a ray of sunshine, but there’s a difference between the occasional bad day and consistently bringing negativity to everyone around you.
If you find yourself constantly surrounded by drama, conflict, or strained connections, it might be time to take a hard look in the mirror. Toxicity is a sneaky beast that can manifest in all sorts of ways, and often, we’re the last ones to recognise it in ourselves. If you’re brave enough to confront your own BS and do the work to be better, keep reading.
1. You’re always the victim.
Life is full of challenges and setbacks, but if you find yourself constantly playing the “woe is me” card, it might be a sign of toxic behaviour. Always painting yourself as the innocent victim and refusing to take responsibility for your actions is a quick way to drain the empathy and patience of those around you. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, take an honest look at your role in the situation and focus on what you can control to improve things moving forward.
2. You’re a chronic gossip.
We all love a bit of juicy gossip now and then, but if you’re constantly talking behind people’s backs or revelling in the bad stuff that happens to other people, it’s a red flag. Gossiping might give you a temporary rush of superiority, but it ultimately erodes trust and creates a toxic environment. If you catch yourself about to spill some tea, ask yourself: is this information yours to share? Is it helpful or necessary? Would you say it to the person’s face? If not, zip it and redirect the conversation to something more positive.
3. You’re a little too good at manipulation.
Source: Pexels Manipulation comes in many forms — guilt-tripping, gaslighting, playing the martyr, etc. — but they all have one thing in common: they’re toxic as hell. If you find yourself constantly trying to control or influence people’s thoughts, feelings, or actions for your own benefit, it’s time to check yourself. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, respect, and autonomy — not mind games and emotional blackmail. Take a step back and examine your motivations. Are you acting out of genuine care and concern, or a selfish desire to get your way?
4. You thrive on drama.
Source: Unsplash Some people just seem to attract chaos wherever they go, like a moth to a dumpster fire. If you find yourself constantly embroiled in conflicts, feuds, or messy situations (and secretly loving it), it might be a sign that you’re addicted to the adrenaline rush of drama. But constantly living in a state of tension and turmoil is exhausting for you and everyone around you. Practice finding joy and excitement in more peaceful pursuits, and watch how your relationships improve.
5. You never apologise — at least not sincerely.
Source: Unsplash We all mess up sometimes — it’s part of being human. But if you find it nearly impossible to utter the words “I’m sorry” (and mean them), it’s a glaring sign of toxicity. Refusing to apologise or take accountability for your actions shows a lack of empathy and respect for anyone else’s feelings. A genuine apology isn’t about admitting defeat or grovelling for forgiveness — it’s about acknowledging the impact of your behaviour and committing to do better. Practise saying “I’m sorry” when you know you’re in the wrong — it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
6. You’re always jealous of everyone.
A little friendly competition never hurt anyone, but if you find yourself constantly seething with jealousy or resentment towards other people’s successes, it’s a toxic trap. Constantly comparing yourself to other people or trying to tear them down to make yourself feel better is a recipe for misery. Instead of fixating on what everyone else has, focus on your own journey and celebrate your own wins — no matter how small. And when someone you care about achieves something great, practise genuinely cheering them on. Their success doesn’t diminish your own.
7. Your standards are unreasonable and/or unrealistic.
Having high standards for yourself and other people can be a good thing — it pushes you to strive for excellence and surrounds you with high-quality people. But if your expectations are so sky-high that no one (including yourself) can ever measure up, it’s a form of toxicity. Constantly moving the goalposts or holding people to impossible standards will only lead to disappointment and resentment on both sides. Learn to embrace imperfection and appreciate people (and yourself) for who they are, flaws and all.
8. You’re a Debbie Downer.
We all have our off days when everything seems bleak and hopeless. But if your default setting is “glass half empty” and you find yourself constantly complaining, criticising, or shooting down ideas, it’s a toxic habit that will drain the life out of those around you. Practise looking for the silver lining in difficult situations and expressing gratitude for the good things in your life — even if it feels forced at first. A little bit of positivity goes a long way in improving your mood and your relationships.
9. You leave everyone around you exhausted and miserable.
Source: Unsplash Some people have a knack for sucking the energy and joy out of a room, like an emotional black hole. If you find yourself constantly dumping your problems and negative feelings on other people without caring about their own emotional capacity, it’s a sign of toxic behaviour. While it’s important to seek support and share your struggles with trusted confidants, it’s equally important to respect their boundaries and reciprocate their emotional labour. Make sure you’re also offering a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on when they need it.
10. You’re a control freak.
Wanting to have a say in how things go down is natural, but if you find yourself constantly micromanaging or steamrolling over other people to get your way, it’s a toxic trait. True collaboration and compromise require a willingness to let go of control and trust people to pull their weight. Practise delegating tasks and responsibilities to other people, even if it means things might not be done exactly the way you’d do them. Loosen your grip and watch how much more smoothly things flow.
11. You’re a master of passive-aggression.
Sarcastic jabs, backhanded compliments, the silent treatment — these are all hallmarks of passive-aggressive behaviour, and they’re toxic as hell. If you find yourself constantly resorting to these indirect methods of expressing your anger or frustration, it’s a sign that you need to work on your communication skills. Passive-aggression might feel like a safer way to express yourself, but it only breeds resentment and confusion. Practise stating your needs and feelings directly and respectfully, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
12. You’re an emotional gatekeeper.
Source: Unsplash Vulnerability is the cornerstone of deep, authentic connection — but it requires a willingness to let people in and share your true thoughts and feelings. If you find yourself constantly keeping people at arm’s length or shutting down emotionally when things get tough, it’s a form of toxic self-protection. While it’s important to have healthy boundaries, completely walling yourself off from intimacy will only lead to loneliness and stunted relationships. Practise slowly opening up to trusted loved ones and allowing yourself to be seen, flaws and all.
13. You’re a critic, not a cheerleader.
Source: Unsplash Offering constructive feedback and holding other people accountable can be a sign of investment in their growth — but if you find yourself constantly criticising or nitpicking without also offering praise and encouragement, it’s a toxic imbalance. People need to feel appreciated and supported, not just scrutinised and judged. Make a conscious effort to catch people doing things right and celebrate their efforts and progress, not just their outcomes. A little bit of cheerleading goes a long way in building trust and goodwill.
14. You’re allergic to feedback.
On the flip side, if you find yourself getting defensive or dismissive whenever someone offers you feedback or constructive criticism, it’s a sign of toxic pride. None of us are perfect, and we all have blind spots when it comes to our own behaviour and performance. Practise receiving feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn and grow. Remember, feedback is a gift — even if it stings a little to hear. Use it as an opportunity to become a better version of yourself.
15. You’re a Fair-Weather Friend
Source: Unsplash True friendship means being there for each other through the good times and the bad. If you find yourself constantly flaking out on plans or disappearing when the going gets tough, it’s a toxic habit that will erode your relationships over time. Practise being a reliable and consistent presence in your loved ones’ lives, even when it’s not convenient or fun. Show up for them in the ways you’d want them to show up for you.
16. You Struggle with Empathy
Empathy — the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand their perspective — is a crucial skill for building strong, healthy relationships. If you find yourself constantly dismissing or invalidating other people’s feelings, or struggling to see things from their point of view, it’s a sign that you need to work on your empathy muscles. Practise active listening and trying to understand where the other person is coming from, even if you don’t agree with them. Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing or agreeing — it’s about making the other person feel heard and understood.
