A parent’s job is to be engaged and invested in their child’s development and well-being, and when you miss out on that, it can really mess you up.
While it’s unlikely that the people who raised you were intentionally checked out — maybe they had mental health issues, unresolved trauma, or even other siblings who required more intention and care — the end result is still the same. As an adult, even with therapy and a lot of hard work, you might have certain qualities or habits that were cemented in you due to a childhood marked by parents who just weren’t plugged in. Of course, you shouldn’t blame yourself for this. Not only was it not your fault, but it’s also possible to overcome the limiting beliefs and negative patterns it might have instilled in you. Here are a few of the struggles you might be facing — if you recognise yourself in these, work with a professional to start processing and moving past these. You deserve to be happy, after all.
1. Opening up about your feelings doesn’t feel natural.
If your parents didn’t pay much attention to your emotions growing up, you might have learned to bottle them up instead of expressing them. Being vulnerable might feel uncomfortable, or even impossible, and you might struggle to put your feelings into words. It’s often easier to keep things to yourself than risk being dismissed or ignored. When you grow up, it can show up as emotional detachment, making it hard to connect with anyone on a deep level. You might avoid talking about your emotions, creating barriers that make relationships harder to maintain. But, with time and support, learning to open up and express yourself in healthy ways can make a huge difference in your emotional health.
2. You’ve become your own problem-solver.
If you grew up with emotionally absent parents, you likely had to fend for yourself in many ways, whether it was managing your emotions or taking care of everyday tasks. As a result, you might pride yourself on being fiercely independent, to the point where asking for help feels like a failure. While independence is a valuable trait, it can also isolate you from people who want to support you. The challenge is finding balance — being able to accept help when it’s offered and leaning on the people who care about you when you need it. No one is meant to go it alone all the time, and allowing people to be there for you can make life feel much more manageable.
3. You’re overly distrustful, even when people have given you no reason to doubt them.
When your parents were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, it taught you early on that people can’t always be relied upon. It makes trusting anyone feel like a huge risk, especially when it comes to friendships or romantic relationships. If you tend to keep people at a distance to avoid getting hurt, it may be a coping mechanism from your childhood. Over time, it can make building close, trusting relationships feel nearly impossible. Understanding where your fear comes from can help you break free from the pattern and allow yourself to trust people who’ve earned it.
4. You’re terrified of being left behind.
Being raised by emotionally distant parents can make you constantly fear that people in your life might leave you, whether through rejection or abandonment. That fear often manifests as overthinking situations, worrying about your worth, or feeling anxious in relationships. You might overanalyse every little thing, or, on the flip side, push people away before they can get too close. Both behaviours are rooted in fear, and while they can feel protective, they often prevent you from having stable, healthy relationships. Addressing your fear with support can help you create stronger connections without the constant worry of being left behind.
5. Your relationship with your self-worth is… complicated.
Without emotional support and validation from your parents, it’s easy to grow up doubting your worth. If you were constantly overlooked or had to earn approval, you might struggle to believe that you’re worthy of love, success, or happiness. That lack of self-worth can lead to seeking external validation, whether through achievement, relationships, or approval from other people. Rebuilding your confidence takes time, but realising that your value isn’t tied to what you do or who you please can be a powerful first step towards feeling worthy just as you are.
6. You feel uncomfortable with affection.
If your parents weren’t physically or verbally affectionate, you might have grown up unsure of how to give or receive love. It can make physical gestures like hugs or compliments feel strange or even uncomfortable, even if you want to connect with people. Now, your discomfort can affect your relationships, making it harder to open up or share affection. But, recognising where that discomfort comes from can help you work through it, and over time, you can start to embrace love and affection in a way that feels natural and safe.
7. Even the idea of conflict sets your teeth on edge.
If your household avoided or mishandled conflict, you may have learned that it’s best to stay silent rather than speak up. In a family where emotions were often ignored or explosively expressed, you might have developed the habit of avoiding tough conversations altogether. As an adult, it means you might suppress your feelings in order to keep the peace, even when it’s not healthy for you. It can be tough, but learning to engage in conflict constructively, without fear of it escalating, can help you resolve issues and stand up for yourself in relationships.
8. You end up taking on everyone else’s emotions.
In a household where your feelings were dismissed, you might have learned to put everyone else’s emotional needs first. You may find yourself in the role of the “fixer,” trying to make everyone happy, often at the expense of your own well-being. It’s a habit that can lead to burnout, resentment, and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s crucial to remember that you’re not responsible for managing other people’s emotions. Setting boundaries and focusing on your own needs is essential for your emotional health.
9. You don’t know how to recognise your own needs.
When your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, it can be hard to even recognise what you need once you grow up. You might have learned to ignore or downplay your desires, and now, you might struggle to understand what truly makes you happy. Being so disconnected from your own needs can lead to self-neglect or prioritising everyone else to the detriment of your own well-being. Learning to tune into your own desires and take steps to fulfil them can help you reconnect with yourself and feel more in control of your life.
10. You gravitate towards emotionally unavailable people.
Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents can create a pattern where emotionally distant relationships feel familiar and safe. As a result, you might find yourself attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or struggle to express affection, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled. Recognising this pattern is the first step in breaking it. By understanding why you’re drawn to emotionally unavailable people, you can begin to pursue healthier, more emotionally available relationships that allow you to experience real connection.
11. You really don’t know how to relax.
If you had to take care of yourself growing up, you might have learned to always be on guard or hyper-aware of your surroundings. Your hypervigilance can make it incredibly hard to unwind or fully relax, even when you’re in a safe environment. You might feel guilty for resting, or worry that something will go wrong if you let your guard down. Learning to trust that rest is not only okay, but necessary for your well-being, can help you break free from the constant state of tension and allow you to enjoy a sense of peace.
12. You feel like your emotions are “too much.”
If your parents made you feel like your emotions were inconvenient or unimportant, you might have internalised the idea that expressing your feelings is a burden to everyone. That emotional suppression can lead to feelings of frustration or isolation, as you try to keep your emotions in check. Remember, your emotions are valid, and they’re a natural part of being human. Learning to express yourself openly, and to ask for support when needed, is an essential part of healing and creating stronger connections.
13. You overachieve to feel valued.
Without emotional validation from your parents, you might have turned to achievements as a way to prove your worth. Whether it’s excelling in your career, education, or personal goals, you might feel that success is the only way to earn love or respect. While striving for success can be fulfilling, it’s important to recognise that your worth isn’t tied to what you achieve. Learning to appreciate yourself for who you are, not just what you do, will help you feel more balanced and satisfied in life.
14. You feel like you don’t really know who you are.
If your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, it can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself as an adult. You might struggle with questions like, “What do I really want?” or “What’s my purpose?” That disconnection can lead to a sense of being lost or uncertain about your path. Reconnecting with yourself takes time, but exploring your values, passions, and desires can help you discover who you truly are and start building a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.
