16 Signs You're Being Emotionally Controlled By A Narcissist

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If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re tangled up with a narcissist who’s messing with your head and your heart.

Narcissists are manipulators, and they can slowly, insidiously take control of your emotions without you even realizing it. Before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells, doubting yourself, and losing sight of who you really are. If any of this sounds familiar, keep reading. Here are 16 signs you’re being emotionally controlled and need to get away ASAP.

1. They gaslight you.

Gaslighting is a favourite tactic of narcissists. They’ll twist reality, deny things they’ve said or done, and make you question your own perception and memory. They’ll tell you that you’re being too sensitive, that you’re imagining things, or that you’re the one with the problem. Over time, this constant invalidation can make you doubt your own sanity and start to believe their distorted version of events.

2. They play the victim.

Narcissists are experts at playing the victim. No matter what they’ve done wrong, they’ll find a way to spin it so that they’re the one who’s been wronged. They’ll blame you, circumstances, or anyone else they can point the finger at. They’ll make you feel guilty for calling them out or expressing your own needs. Before you know it, you’re the one apologizing and trying to make things right, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

3. They use emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail is a go-to move for narcissists. They’ll use fear, guilt, or shame to pressure you into doing what they want. They might threaten to leave you, hurt themselves, or expose your secrets if you don’t comply. They’ll make you feel like you owe them, like you’re responsible for their happiness, or like you’ll never find anyone else who will love you. This kind of manipulation is designed to keep you under their thumb.

4. They give you the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a classic narcissist power play. They’ll withdraw affection, ignore your calls or texts, or give you the cold shoulder when they’re upset with you. They know that this kind of emotional withholding is deeply painful, and that you’ll do just about anything to win back their attention and approval. They use the silent treatment as a way to punish you and keep you in line.

5. They isolate you from friends and family.

Narcissists often try to isolate their partners from their support systems. They might tell you that your friends and family are bad influences, that they don’t have your best interests at heart, or that you don’t need anyone but them. They’ll monopolize your time and attention, making it hard for you to maintain other relationships. This isolation makes you more dependent on them and more vulnerable to their manipulation.

6. They constantly criticize you.

Narcissists are often highly critical of their partners. They’ll nitpick your appearance, your work, your hobbies, and just about everything else. They’ll make snide comments, roll their eyes, or give you backhanded compliments. This constant criticism can chip away at your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re never good enough. You might start to believe that you’re lucky to have them, since no one else would put up with you.

7. They have extreme mood swings.

Narcissists can be highly volatile and prone to extreme mood swings. One moment they might be showering you with love and affection, and the next they’re raging at you over some minor perceived slight. These unpredictable emotional outbursts keep you on edge, never knowing what will set them off. You might start to walk on eggshells, carefully monitoring your words and actions to avoid triggering their anger.

8. They never take responsibility.

Narcissists rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their actions. They’ll always find someone or something else to blame — usually you. They might make excuses, minimize the impact of their behaviour, or flat-out deny any wrongdoing. They’ll twist situations around until they come out looking like the good guy, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary. This lack of accountability is maddening and makes it impossible to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

9. They control your finances.

Many narcissists try to control their partner’s finances as a way to maintain power over them. They might insist on managing all the money, give you an allowance, or make you account for every penny you spend. They’ll use money as a weapon, withholding it as punishment or using it to manipulate you into compliance. This financial control can make it very difficult for you to leave the relationship, even when you know you need to.

10. They invade your privacy.

Narcissists often have little respect for their partner’s privacy. They might snoop through your phone, read your emails, or interrogate you about your whereabouts and activities. They’ll justify this invasion of privacy by saying they have a right to know everything about you, or that they’re just looking out for your best interests. In reality, it’s a way to maintain control and keep tabs on you.

11. They make you doubt your own judgment.

Over time, narcissists can make you doubt your own judgment and decision-making abilities. They’ll second-guess your choices, undermine your confidence, and make you feel like you can’t trust your own instincts. They might tell you that you’re naive, that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that you should just leave the thinking to them. This erosion of your self-trust can make you more reliant on them and more susceptible to their influence.

12. They use your insecurities against you.

Narcissists are skilled at identifying and exploiting their partner’s insecurities. They’ll zero in on your deepest fears and use them to manipulate you. If you’re insecure about your looks, they’ll make comments about your weight or compare you to other people. If you’re worried about your intelligence, they’ll call you stupid or make you feel inferior. They’ll use your vulnerabilities as a weapon to keep you under their control.

13. They’re always the centre of attention.

For narcissists, everything is always about them. They’ll dominate conversations, make every situation about their own needs and wants, and expect constant admiration and attention from you. Your own thoughts, feelings, and needs will always take a back seat to theirs. You might find yourself constantly catering to their ego, putting your own life on hold to meet their endless demands for validation.

14. They never apologize sincerely.

When narcissists do apologize, it’s often insincere and manipulative. They might say the words “I’m sorry,” but it will be quickly followed by a justification, a minimization, or a deflection of blame. They might apologize just to shut you up or get you off their back, without any real remorse or intention to change. A sincere apology requires empathy, accountability, and a willingness to make amends — things that narcissists struggle with.

15. They make you feel crazy.

Narcissists can be so manipulative and gaslighting that they make you question your own sanity. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your perceptions, your memories, and your sense of reality. You might feel like you’re going crazy, like you can’t trust your own mind. This is exactly what the narcissist wants — to make you doubt yourself so deeply that you become completely reliant on them to define reality for you.

16. They never change, no matter how much you try.

Despite your best efforts, narcissists rarely change their ways. You can beg, plead, reason, and threaten, but they’ll still keep manipulating, controlling, and undermining you. That’s because narcissism is a deeply ingrained personality trait that’s very difficult to alter. Narcissists don’t see their behaviour as a problem — they see it as a way to get what they want. Expecting them to suddenly develop empathy and consideration for other people is like expecting a leopard to change its spots.