We all have selfish moments—that’s part of being human, and sometimes it’s even healthy.
However, that shouldn’t be your default mode, and if you’re not careful, selfish tendencies start creeping into how you show up for your friends, your partner, or even strangers. And while nobody wants to think of themselves as selfish, the truth is, some of the signs are subtle and easy to miss. If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re more focused on yourself than you mean to be, here are some behaviours that might make you pause, and maybe even reassess how you’ve been acting.
1. You expect everyone else to be flexible, but you rarely are.
When someone asks you to adjust your plans, change your mind, or compromise, it feels like a huge ask. However, when you need them to bend, you assume they should just understand or go along with it. The double standard isn’t always obvious until you’re on the receiving end. Being consistently rigid while expecting grace from other people is one of those low-key selfish habits that destroys mutual respect in the long run.
2. You interrupt people a lot, even if you don’t mean to.
Cutting people off mid-thought might not seem like a big deal, especially if you’re excited or trying to relate. However, it often sends the message that you’re more interested in your own voice than hearing someone else out fully. People may not always call you out on it, but they feel it. It creates the sense that your thoughts matter more than theirs. After a while, it makes conversations feel one-sided, even if that wasn’t your intent.
3. You rarely ask how other people are really doing.
Sure, you say “How are you?” in passing, but if you’re not following up or listening to the answer, it doesn’t count. When conversations always circle back to you, it can leave people feeling like they’re just part of your audience. Sometimes selfishness isn’t loud—it’s blatant disinterest in what’s going on in someone else’s life. If you’re not curious, you’re not connecting. Needless to say, people notice when you’re not emotionally present.
4. You keep score in your relationships.
If you constantly tally who did what, who owes who, or how many times you’ve been “more generous,” it’s a sign you’re giving to get—not just giving. That kind of mindset quietly turns relationships transactional. Healthy connection isn’t about one-upmanship. It’s about support that flows back and forth naturally. Keeping score might feel like control, but it often backfires and pushes people away instead.
5. You only show up when it’s convenient.
If you’re someone who always has time for plans when they’re fun, easy, or beneficial to you, but you disappear when things get messy or emotional, people will start to notice the pattern. Being there for other people when it’s inconvenient is where real connection lives. If you’re constantly ghosting when someone needs support, you’re not just busy. You might be showing up in a way that centres your comfort too often.
6. You always need to be right, even when you’re obviously wrong.
If you find it hard to admit when you’re wrong, or you constantly steer conversations toward your opinion, that’s not confidence—it’s ego. Wanting to be right all the time can make people feel small around you. Letting someone else win an argument or offering space for another point of view doesn’t take away your worth. But refusing to budge just to protect your pride? That’s when self-focus starts crossing into selfishness.
7. You’re quick to judge but slow to apologise.
If you find it easy to criticise other people, but incredibly hard to say “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry,” it might be time to reflect. Selfishness often shows up in our unwillingness to make space for someone else’s hurt. Apologising isn’t just about swallowing your pride—it’s about recognising someone else’s experience. If that feels impossible or unnecessary to you, you might be more self-centred than you think.
8. You expect people to just “get over it.”
When someone’s upset with you and your first instinct is to downplay it or rush them through the process, that’s not helping—it’s self-protection. You’re uncomfortable, so you want the situation resolved on your terms. However, healing doesn’t work that way. Respecting someone’s emotional process, even if it’s inconvenient for you, is part of showing maturity and empathy. Otherwise, your desire to move on becomes more about you than them.
9. You make every problem about you.
If someone shares a struggle and your response is, “I’ve had it worse” or you flip the focus back to your own life, you’re missing the point. Being relatable isn’t the same as being supportive. This habit is so common that people often don’t realise they’re doing it. But when your default is to make everything circle back to your own experience, it stops being a conversation, and it becomes a monologue.
10. You take more than you give (and assume it’s fine).
If your relationships often revolve around people doing favours for you, listening to your rants, or making time when it suits your needs, but you rarely reciprocate, you’re not just lucky. You’re taking more than you’re offering. Generosity isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about showing up consistently. When that balance is off, people start feeling drained. Even if they don’t say it, their energy around you will change, and not in a good way.
11. You don’t take it well when people set boundaries.
When someone tells you “no” or asks for space, and you take it personally, guilt-trip them, or try to argue your way past it, that’s a red flag. Respecting boundaries is foundational to mutual respect. Being selfish often shows up in how you handle being told you can’t have something. If “no” feels like rejection or disrespect to you, it might be time to reflect on your own expectations in relationships.
12. You expect praise for doing the bare minimum.
If you need to be congratulated every time you show up, apologise, or do something kind, ask yourself why. Appreciation is nice, but if you’re chasing applause for basic decency, it could mean you’re more focused on being seen as good than actually being good. True kindness doesn’t need a spotlight, and if you feel resentful when people don’t acknowledge your efforts, it might be because your motivation wasn’t as selfless as you hoped.
13. You disappear when you’re not the centre of attention.
If you lose interest in people once the focus moves away from you—like during their big life events or emotional moments—that’s a sign your connection may be more self-serving than mutual. Being a good friend means sticking around even when it’s not about you. If you only engage when you’re the main character, people will eventually catch on, even if they don’t say it directly.
14. You think of empathy as optional.
If you often find yourself saying things like “They’re too sensitive” or “That’s not my problem,” it may be time to reassess. Empathy isn’t just for when it’s convenient—it’s what keeps us connected in real ways. Being emotionally present for other people, even when you don’t fully understand, shows maturity. Dismissing someone’s feelings because they don’t align with your own is a quick way to damage trust without realising it.
