Most people like to think they’ve outgrown the need for parental approval by the time they hit adulthood.
Sadly, the truth is, those patterns can run deeper than we realise. Sometimes it’s subtle; other times it’s obvious. Either way, chasing your parents’ validation well into adulthood can inform the choices you make, your confidence, and even your happiness. Here are signs you might still be chasing their approval more than you think. If you recognise yourself in these, you’ll want to take a step back and have a deeper think about the dynamic you have with the people who raised you.
1. You still feel guilty when you disappoint them
Even if your choices make sense for your life, disappointing your parents can trigger deep, uncomfortable guilt. It’s not just about wanting them to be happy—it’s about feeling responsible for their emotions, even when you know logically that you aren’t. If guilt weighs heavy on you anytime you choose yourself over their expectations, it’s a pretty strong sign that chasing their approval is still playing a big role in your emotional life.
2. You downplay your real opinions to avoid drama or conflict.
When you find yourself sugar-coating your views or pretending to agree just to keep the peace, it’s often less about fear of conflict and more about fear of losing their approval. Hiding your true self in conversations, especially about values, life choices, or career paths, can be a subtle way of trying to hold onto their acceptance, even if it means putting your authenticity on hold.
3. Their approval still feels like a measuring stick for your success.
No matter how many achievements you rack up, they don’t feel complete until your parents acknowledge them. You might chase promotions, degrees, or milestones more for the validation than for yourself. When your internal compass feels hijacked by waiting for a nod of approval from them, it’s a sign that part of you is still asking for permission to feel proud of yourself.
4. You avoid telling them about life choices you know they won’t agree with.
Whether it’s who you date, where you move, or the career risks you take, withholding information isn’t just about privacy. It’s often about trying to avoid the crushing feeling of their disapproval. When you filter your life updates to show only the “acceptable” parts, it’s a strong clue that their opinion still carries more weight than you might have admitted to yourself.
5. Their criticism hits harder than anyone else’s.
Criticism from colleagues, friends, or strangers might roll off your back, but when it comes from your parents, it feels personal—and devastating. It cuts deeper because it touches the part of you that’s still hoping to be seen as enough. If their disappointment sticks with you longer than it should, or if you replay their words for days afterward, it’s worth noticing how much power you’re still giving their opinions over your self-worth.
6. You find yourself second-guessing your choices through their eyes.
Even when you make a decision you feel good about, you might catch yourself wondering, “What would they think?” It’s a quiet way of asking for approval without ever voicing it out loud. When your internal dialogue is coloured by how your parents might judge your choices, it suggests you’re still holding their imagined approval as a gold standard, even when it clashes with your own instincts.
7. You still crave their praise in ways you don’t openly admit.
No matter how independent you are, there’s a small part of you that lights up when they say they’re proud, or shrinks when they don’t. Wanting your parents to recognise your efforts isn’t childish, but pretending you don’t care when you clearly do can keep you stuck emotionally. If your heart still leans a little closer every time there’s a chance to earn their praise, that’s a pretty human sign you’re still carrying that old longing for approval.
8. You shape parts of your identity around what they would approve of.
Sometimes it’s not about what you avoid—it’s about what you pursue. You might choose hobbies, friendships, careers, or even lifestyles that you know would win their approval, even if they don’t fully feel like you. When you’re shaping yourself to fit their ideals instead of exploring what truly matters to you, it’s a clue that old approval-seeking patterns are still quietly running the show.
9. You struggle to celebrate your successes independently of them.
Even when you achieve something objectively amazing, you might find yourself waiting for their reaction before you let yourself feel proud. If they’re indifferent or critical, your own pride deflates fast. When your ability to feel good about yourself hinges on their validation, it suggests your emotional independence from them hasn’t fully caught up to your actual age yet, and that’s more common than you might think.
10. You censor your ambitions based on what they would find practical or acceptable.
Dreams that feel too risky, too artistic, or too unconventional often get pushed aside if you’re still subconsciously chasing their approval. You might convince yourself you didn’t want those things anyway, when really, you just didn’t want the disapproval that might come with them. When your dreams start shrinking to fit their idea of safety or success, it’s a sign that your own voice is still fighting for the front seat in your life.
11. You feel a deep need to explain or justify your decisions to them.
Explaining yourself endlessly, even when you’re an adult making your own choices, is a classic sign you’re still chasing approval. You’re not just informing them; you’re trying to win their acceptance, to avoid feeling like you’re on shaky emotional ground. If you find yourself rehearsing conversations, crafting justifications, or wanting their “okay” before moving forward, it’s a sign that their perception still holds a powerful sway over you.
12. You get anxious when their opinion is unclear.
If you don’t know exactly how they feel about something you’ve done, and that ambiguity gnaws at you, it points to deeper approval-seeking patterns. Silence feels threatening because it leaves room for imagined disapproval. The anxiety isn’t really about the event—it’s about the underlying fear that you’ve somehow fallen short in their eyes without even knowing it.
13. You struggle with resentment, but find it hard to set boundaries.
When you’re still desperate for approval, you might silently build up resentment when your parents criticise, dismiss, or pressure you—but struggle to push back because part of you is still craving their love and validation. That push-pull dynamic can be emotionally exhausting. You feel angry and small at the same time because standing up for yourself feels like risking the very thing you’ve spent years trying to earn—their approval.
14. Their emotional reactions still dictate your emotional reactions.
If your mood swings based on whether they seem proud, disappointed, or indifferent, it shows how intertwined your emotional world still is with theirs. Their happiness (or lack of it) feels like a direct commentary on your worth. Emotional independence means learning to let them have their reactions without letting those reactions dictate your sense of self, but that’s hard when old approval-seeking patterns still feel unfinished.
15. You worry about what family or mutual acquaintances will “report back” to them.
It’s not just direct interaction that triggers your need for approval. Sometimes it’s the indirect fear of judgement through family gossip, comparisons, or sideways commentary about your life choices. If you feel anxious about how you’re being perceived through other people’s eyes because it might circle back to your parents, that’s another quiet way of seeking approval that still shows up even when you think you’ve moved past it.
16. You feel like you’re still waiting to “earn” unconditional acceptance.
At the heart of desperately wanting your parents’ approval as an adult is often a deeper wish: to finally feel fully accepted, without conditions, explanations, or constant proving. That longing doesn’t just vanish when you grow up. Recognising this hope isn’t about blaming yourself or your parents—it’s about understanding that healing often means learning to give yourself the unconditional acceptance you’ve been chasing externally for far too long.
