It’s a hard truth to face, but sometimes the person creating the damage in a relationship… is you.
It’s not because you’re a villain, or unloveable, or destined to ruin every connection, but because you’re human. Sometimes, being human means sometimes reacting out of fear, ego, pain, or patterns you never questioned. The good news? Toxic behaviour isn’t your identity—it’s something you can notice, own, and actively work on. Here are some signs the unhealthy dynamic might be coming from your side, and what real change can actually look like.
1. You always need to win the argument.
If every disagreement turns into a battle where you need to be right, that’s a red flag. Relationships aren’t about scorekeeping—they’re about understanding. When winning matters more than resolving, you’re placing control above connection. The change here starts with pausing and asking yourself what you’re fighting for. Is it truth, or dominance? Letting go of the need to “win” opens the door to mutual respect, even in conflict.
2. You don’t take criticism well (or at all).
If your partner brings up something that hurt them and your instinct is to deflect, attack, or shut down, it’s worth looking at why. Nobody enjoys being called out—but if your default is defensiveness, nothing ever gets worked through. Learning to listen without immediately defending yourself is huge. It shows maturity. You don’t have to agree with everything, but you do have to be willing to hear it.
3. You guilt them into doing what you want.
Manipulation doesn’t always look like mind games—it can sound like “Fine, I’ll just go alone,” or “You’d do it if you actually cared.” If your way of getting needs met is through guilt trips, it creates resentment, not closeness. The healthier route is honesty. Say what you need without emotional punishment. It’s scary at first, but it builds trust over time in a way guilt never does.
4. You shut down instead of communicating.
Going silent, walking out, or emotionally withdrawing every time something’s hard might feel like protection—but it creates confusion and anxiety in your partner. Silence becomes a weapon, even if that’s not your intention. Learning to stay in the room—mentally and emotionally—is a process. You don’t need to have the perfect response. You just need to stay present and open enough to try.
5. You bring up old issues to score points.
There’s a difference between patterns and petty ammo. If every disagreement turns into a rerun of every mistake they’ve ever made, it shows you’re not really interested in resolving things, just in holding power. Start asking yourself: Is this relevant to the issue at hand? Or am I trying to win by digging up the past? If it’s the second one, it’s time to let some things stay buried.
6. You make them responsible for your moods.
Everyone has bad days, but if you routinely expect your partner to fix your feelings or walk on eggshells around your emotional swings, it creates pressure and exhaustion over time. It’s not about pretending to be fine—it’s about managing your own triggers and being accountable for how you show up, rather than unloading it all on them.
7. You don’t respect their boundaries.
Do you push them to talk when they’ve said they need space? Do you snoop through messages or ignore their requests for alone time? That’s boundary crossing, and it’s one of the fastest ways to destroy trust. Even if you think you’re doing it “for the right reasons,” it still signals disrespect. The healthier path is learning to sit with discomfort instead of controlling your way out of it.
8. You criticise more than you compliment.
If you regularly point out what they’re doing wrong but rarely acknowledge what they do right, that imbalance stings over time. Constant correction eats away at someone’s self-worth. Try flipping the script. What are they doing well? What do you appreciate but maybe haven’t said out loud lately? A relationship can’t grow where it only hears what’s missing.
9. You hold grudges and don’t really forgive.
Saying “I forgive you” and then bringing it up again a week later isn’t forgiveness—it’s emotional leverage. If you say you’ve let something go, you have to actually mean it. Work on either addressing your lingering feelings honestly or truly moving forward. However, using their past mistakes to gain the upper hand is a cycle that doesn’t end well for either of you.
10. You expect them to read your mind.
It’s easy to assume that someone who loves you should “just know” what you’re thinking or needing, but that’s not fair or realistic. If you get annoyed when they don’t guess right, that’s on you. Healthy communication means spelling things out, even when it feels obvious. People can’t meet needs they don’t know exist, and expecting mind-reading only leads to disappointment.
11. You minimise their feelings.
If you find yourself saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that serious,” pause. Dismissing someone’s emotions doesn’t make them go away—it just makes them feel invisible. Even if you don’t fully understand their reaction, you can still validate the fact that it’s real for them. That empathy builds connection instead of conflict.
12. You make jokes at their expense.
Playful teasing is fine—until it consistently crosses the line. If your jokes always seem to hit a nerve or you brush off hurt feelings with “Relax, I was kidding,” it’s time to reflect. Humour that puts someone down, even subtly, adds up. Kindness and humour aren’t opposites. You can be funny without using your partner as the punchline.
13. You don’t take their needs seriously.
Maybe they’ve asked you for more help around the house, more affection, or more quality time, but you brush it off, avoid it, or forget. Over time, that sends the message that their needs don’t matter as much as yours. If you want a healthy connection, effort has to go both ways. The fix isn’t grand gestures—it’s consistency in the things they’ve already asked for.
14. You use affection as a reward or punishment.
Do you pull away when you’re mad or only show warmth when they’re doing what you want? That creates a power dynamic that feels more like control than love. Affection should be freely given, not used to manipulate behaviour. If you want closeness, it has to come from a place of stability, not performance.
15. You avoid accountability.
When things go wrong, do you instantly blame stress, your past, or something external—without ever owning your part? That pattern makes growth impossible and leaves your partner feeling stuck. Real change starts with acknowledging your impact. Not everything is your fault—but some things are, and recognising that doesn’t make you bad. It makes you capable of doing better.
