Some people are hesitant about — or downright terrified of — commitment, and it shows in little ways they don’t even realise.
Whether they’re still carrying baggage from past relationships or they’re scared of making the wrong decisions, it becomes crystal clear that someone isn’t keen on commitment the longer you spend with them. If you’re dating someone who does these things, chances are, getting them to commit might be a bit of a battle. That doesn’t mean they can’t move past their fear and have happy, healthy relationships, but that’ll take time and work, and they’ll have to want it. Whether or not it’s worth hanging around to see if that’ll happen is a question only you can answer.
1. Getting them to talk about the future is like pulling teeth.
Source: Unsplash When someone’s scared of commitment, they tend to shy away from conversations about the future. Questions like, “Where do you see us in a year?” or “Do you want kids one day?” can make them uncomfortable, or they might give vague, non-committal answers. They’ll often prefer to focus on the present instead of making plans for what’s ahead. While not everyone’s ready to map out their future straight away, if it’s something they consistently avoid, it could point to a deeper fear of commitment. After all, if they’re interested in building a life with someone, shouldn’t they want to talk about that life?
2. They keep things casual for as long as possible.
If someone keeps insisting things stay “low-pressure” or “fun” even after some time together, it could be a way to dodge any serious emotional involvement. They might resist labels like “partner” or “relationship” because it keeps things undefined, and it’s easier for them that way. Casual beginnings are totally normal, but if they don’t want to move past that stage, it might mean they’re holding back emotionally. When the cut-off point is depends on the relationship and the people involved, but it feels like you’re still in the early dating stages months or even a year down the line, there’s clearly a deeper issue.
3. They cancel plans or are inconsistent with their desire to spend time together.
If they’re constantly cancelling plans or seem inconsistent in how much effort they put in, it could be a sign they’re hesitant about fully committing. One minute they’re all in, and the next, they seem distant or distracted. It isn’t always a reflection of how they feel about you — it’s often more about their inner conflict between wanting connection and being scared of what commitment might bring. How much unpredictability are you willing to handle? At the end of the day, you deserve someone who’s sure about you 100% of the time, not just when their anxiety levels are low.
4. They’re always waffling on about the importance of their “independence.”
Independence is important, especially when you’re in a relationship, but when someone’s terrified of commitment, they might push it to the extreme. They might see relationships as a threat to their freedom, worrying that being with someone will mean losing control over their life. They might say things like, “I need a lot of space” or “I don’t want to lose myself in a relationship.” It’s usually a shield to keep people at arm’s length, and it’s totally unnecessary. In a healthy relationship, both people know that they’re still unique individuals, not just a singular unit.
5. You never get to meet the people in their life, and they like it that way.
While it makes sense to hold back on introducing new partners to children, who are young and more emotionally vulnerable, for a bit, if they’re hesitant to introduce you to their family or close friends, it’s a sign they might not be ready to let someone fully into their world. Keeping their social circles separate helps them keep a bit of emotional distance, avoiding any questions about the seriousness of your relationship. It can feel frustrating, but often it’s more about them being uncomfortable with vulnerability rather than anything to do with you. It might take a while for them to feel ready to share that part of their life.
6. They avoid emotional intimacy like the plague.
Someone who’s afraid of commitment might struggle to get emotionally close. They’ll avoid deep, meaningful conversations or quickly change the subject when things start to feel too personal. That wedge between you can make it tough to build a solid connection. It’s worth considering if they’re protecting themselves from getting hurt or just aren’t ready to share that side of themselves yet. You need to question how long you’re willing to entertain a surface-level connection, especially when there’s no guarantee that they’ll ever truly let you in.
7. They shy away from resolving problems.
Commitment often means tackling tough issues together, but someone scared of it might avoid conflict altogether. Instead of addressing problems head-on, they might brush things off with “Let’s not make a big deal out of it” or disappear for a while to avoid confrontation. Not dealing with issues can prevent the relationship from moving forward, and while everyone has their limits with conflict, avoiding fixing the things that are wrong often points to a fear of the responsibilities that come with a solid, settled relationship. If they’re like that now, what would they be like a year from now? Ten?
8. They can’t define the relationship to save their lives.
If they avoid defining the relationship, it’s usually because they’re unsure about taking that next step. Hearing things like, “Let’s just see where this goes” can leave you in a bit of a limbo, not really knowing where you stand — especially if they’re still saying it after you’ve been “together” for months. Clear communication is key in a relationship, and if they can’t give you that clarity, it might be time to have a conversation about what you both want. Their hesitation is often rooted in fear, but it’s still important to ask for the clarity you deserve.
9. They’re overly focused on past relationships.
If they’re constantly talking about their exes — whether they’re reminiscing about what went wrong or focusing on unresolved feelings — it could be a sign that they’re not ready to let go of the past. Dwelling on what didn’t work out before can stop them from fully investing in the present. It’s natural to have a past, but if it’s constantly coming up, it might be preventing them from committing to what’s happening with you. Either that, or they still have unresolved feelings for the person they were previously in a relationship with, and believe me, that’s not something you want to be involved in.
10. They keep their options open.
Someone who’s scared to commit will often refuse to be exclusive, instead going on and on about the importance of keeping their options open, at least for now. They might still be using dating apps or casually mentioning other potential interests, even though you’ve been spending plenty of time together. It can make you feel undervalued or unsure about where you stand. If you’re after something more serious, it’s worth having a chat about expectations. If they need to play the field, you might need to make a swift exist.
11. They move too fast early on.
It’s strange, but someone with a fear of commitment might rush into things at the start. They could overwhelm you with attention, grand gestures, or talk about the future, only to pull back once things start feeling real. That whirlwind romance could be their way of testing the waters without diving in too deep. If the pace slows down abruptly, it might mean that their initial enthusiasm was more about the excitement than a desire to commit long-term.
12. They overanalyse everything.
People who fear commitment tend to overthink every little detail. They’ll second-guess their feelings, wonder if the timing’s right, or even question whether you’re on the same page. Their constant overthinking can leave them stuck, unable to take the next step. It’s natural to reflect, but too much analysis can hold a relationship back. If this becomes a pattern, try encouraging them to talk frankly about their worries, while also being clear about what you’re comfortable with.
13. They don’t want to make decisions together.
Making decisions together is a big part of any relationship, but someone who’s scared of commitment might shy away from it. They could prefer to make plans on their own or avoid discussing goals you might have as a couple altogether. While independence is important, a relationship thrives on teamwork. If they’re avoiding this, it could be their way of keeping control and protecting their autonomy. After all, shouldn’t they want to start entwining your lives at least a little bit if they plan to live theirs with you in it?
14. They send endless mixed signals.
Hot-and-cold behaviour is classic for someone with commitment issues. One day they’re all in, and the next, they’re distant or disengaged. These mixed signals can leave you feeling confused and uncertain about where you stand. It’s usually a reflection of their internal struggle with commitment. While they may care a lot, their fears can create a push-and-pull dynamic that’s draining for both of you.
15. They avoid accountability in the relationship.
Commitment means taking responsibility for your part in the relationship, but someone hesitant about it might avoid accountability. They might deflect blame, downplay problems, or refuse to acknowledge their impact on the relationship. This can make it hard to address issues and build trust. If this becomes a regular pattern, it’s time to have a serious conversation about what accountability looks like for both of you. Fear of commitment can be tricky, but it’s important to recognise when it’s creating unhealthy patterns.
