Chances are, you know a narcissist or two — the charming, manipulative, self-absorbed people who always seem to come out on top, no matter how much chaos they leave in their wake.
Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, infuriating, and downright soul-destroying. That doesn’t mean that you have to let them win, though. With awareness, a strong will, and some creative thinking, you can outsmart these jerks and beat them at their own game. Here’s how to do just that.
1. Know your enemy.
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to understand what you’re dealing with. Narcissists are incredibly manipulative people who will stop at nothing to get what they want. They’re desperate for constant attention, admiration, and control, and they’ll use every trick in the book to get it. They’re also experts at gaslighting, projection, and playing the victim. Once you know their play book, it’s easier to spot their tactics and avoid falling for their traps.
2. Don’t engage.
Narcissists thrive on drama and conflict, so the best way to outsmart them is to simply refuse to engage. Don’t take their bait, don’t react to their provocations, and don’t let them draw you into a fight. As Medical News Today explains, this is known as the “grey rocking” method and can be incredibly effective against narcissists. The more you engage, the more power you give them. Instead, keep your cool and walk away. Let them throw their tantrum or spin their web of lies — you don’t have to be a part of it.
3. Set clear boundaries.
Narcissists are notorious boundary-pushers, so it’s important to set clear, firm limits and stick to them. Don’t let them invade your personal space, monopolise your time, or cross your emotional boundaries. Be direct and assertive about what you will and won’t tolerate, and don’t apologise for putting your own needs first. Remember — you have the right to say no, and you don’t owe them an explanation.
4. Keep your distance.
The more distance you can put between yourself and a narcissist, the better. If you can’t cut them out of your life entirely, at least limit your contact as much as possible. Don’t answer their calls or texts right away, don’t agree to every social invitation, and don’t let them suck up your time and energy. The less access they have to you, the less power they have over you.
5. Don’t try to change them.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when dealing with narcissists is trying to change them. They think that if they just love them enough, or reason with them enough, or show them the error of their ways, the narcissist will suddenly see the light and become a better person. But the truth is, narcissists don’t change — at least not without a lot of professional help and a genuine desire to do so. Trying to fix them is a waste of your time and energy.
6. Focus on your own healing.
Source: Unsplash Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly traumatic, and it’s important to prioritise your own healing and self-care. Consider therapy or counselling to help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who validate your experiences and remind you of your worth. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour.
7. Document everything.
Narcissists are master gaslighters, and they’ll often try to rewrite history or deny their own actions to make you doubt your own perceptions. That’s why it’s important to document everything — keep a journal of your interactions, save text messages and emails, and take notes on any important conversations. Having a record of their behaviour can be incredibly validating and help you stay grounded in reality.
8. Don’t take it personally.
Source: Unsplash One of the most insidious things about narcissists is how they can make you feel like everything is your fault. They’ll blame you for their own mistakes, accuse you of being too sensitive or overreacting, and make you feel like you’re the problem. But the truth is, their behaviour has nothing to do with you — it’s a reflection of their own deep-seated insecurities and need for control. Don’t take their criticism or manipulation personally — it’s not about you.
9. Trust your instincts.
Source: Unsplash If something feels off about your interactions with a narcissist, trust your gut. If they’re saying one thing, but their actions don’t match up, if they’re making you feel crazy or confused, if you’re constantly second-guessing yourself — those are all red flags. Your instincts are there to protect you, so don’t ignore them. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
10. Don’t expect an apology.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are notoriously bad at taking responsibility for their actions, and they rarely apologise sincerely. Even if they do say they’re sorry, it’s often just a manipulation tactic to get you to let your guard down. Don’t waste your time waiting for an apology or expecting them to own up to their behaviour. They likely never will, and holding out hope for it will only keep you trapped in their cycle of abuse.
11. Be prepared for retaliation.
Source: Unsplash When you start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, the narcissist in your life is likely to lash out. They may try to punish you by withholding affection, spreading rumours about you, or even threatening legal action. Be prepared for this backlash and have a plan in place to protect yourself emotionally and legally. Don’t let their threats or manipulation tactics scare you into backing down — you have the right to protect yourself.
12. Build a support system.
Source: Unsplash Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly isolating, as they often try to separate you from your friends and family. That’s why it’s so important to build a strong support system of people who understand what you’re going through and can offer validation and encouragement. Join a support group, reach out to a trusted friend or family member, or look for a therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse. You don’t have to go through this alone.
13. Focus on your own goals and dreams.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have a way of making everything about them, and it’s easy to get caught up in their drama and lose sight of your own needs and desires. Don’t let them steal your focus or your energy. Keep pursuing your own goals and dreams, even if the narcissist tries to discourage or sabotage you. Remember — your life is about you, not them. Don’t let them dictate your choices or your future.
14. Practice radical acceptance.
Source: Unsplash At the end of the day, you can’t control a narcissist’s behaviour — you can only control your own response to it. That’s where radical acceptance comes in. Radical acceptance means acknowledging the reality of the situation without trying to change it or wishing it were different. It means letting go of the idea that you can fix the narcissist or make them see the error of their ways. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also incredibly freeing.
15. Know when to walk away.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship with a narcissist is simply too toxic to continue. If you’ve tried setting boundaries, focusing on your own healing, and building a support system, but the narcissist is still causing you more harm than good — it may be time to walk away. This is never an easy decision, but it’s important to prioritise your own well-being and safety. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and if the narcissist can’t provide that, it’s okay to let them go.
16. Celebrate your own strength.
Source: Unsplash Finally, remember to celebrate your own strength and resilience in dealing with a narcissist. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to recognise their toxic behaviour and take steps to protect yourself. Every boundary you set, every time you prioritise your own needs, every moment you choose not to engage — those are all victories. Don’t minimise your own accomplishments or let the narcissist convince you that you’re weak or powerless. You are stronger than you know, and you will get through this.
