Narcissistic parents don’t always fit the obvious mould of abusive caregivers at first glance.
That’s because their behaviour tends to be more insidious, wrapped in manipulation, control, and emotional games rather than outright neglect or physical harm. Because they see their kids as extensions of themselves rather than independent individuals, they create a toxic environment that no child deserves to exist in. The damage they leave in their wake isn’t always apparent at first, but it leaves lasting scars that shape how children see themselves and their relationships. Here are some subtle ways narcissists abuse their children.
1. They make love and approval conditional.
Instead of offering unconditional love, narcissistic parents make their affection dependent on their child’s performance, behaviour, or obedience. The child learns early on that love must be “earned” through achievements, good behaviour, or meeting their parent’s expectations. If they fail to meet these high standards, affection is withdrawn, replaced with coldness or criticism.
That creates deep insecurity, as the child never feels fully accepted for who they are. They may grow up constantly seeking validation, fearing that one wrong move will result in emotional distance or rejection. Even in adulthood, they might find themselves people-pleasing, always chasing approval to feel worthy.
2. They manipulate through guilt.
Guilt is one of a narcissistic parent’s most powerful tools. They twist situations to make their child feel responsible for their emotions, often saying things like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t be so selfish.”
That emotional blackmail keeps the child in a constant state of obligation and guilt, making it difficult for them to establish independence without feeling like they’re betraying their parent. Even as adults, they may struggle with making choices that serve their own needs, fearing they’re being ungrateful or unkind.
3. They dismiss or mock their child’s feelings.
Instead of offering comfort, a narcissistic parent downplays or ridicules their child’s emotions. If the child is upset, they might hear, “You’re too sensitive,” “Stop being dramatic,” or “You always make a big deal out of nothing.” This invalidation teaches the child that their emotions are excessive or unimportant.
After a while, this makes it hard for the child to trust their own feelings. They may struggle with emotional repression, self-doubt, or fear of being seen as “too much” in relationships. As adults, they often suppress their emotions, believing that showing feelings is a weakness.
4. They use backhanded compliments.
Instead of direct insults, narcissistic parents disguise their criticism in seemingly positive remarks. “You look nice today—for once” or “You did great, but I’m surprised you didn’t mess it up” may seem harmless, but they plant seeds of self-doubt.
These comments eat away at a child’s self-esteem while making it hard for them to call out the insult, as it’s masked in false praise. The longer it goes on, the more it destroys confidence, making the child second-guess their abilities and worth in every area of life.
5. They control their child’s decisions.
From what clothes they wear to what career they choose, narcissistic parents exert control over their child’s decisions. They might pressure them into a path that reflects well on the parent rather than one that suits the child’s interests. Their goal isn’t what’s best for the child; it’s what makes them look good.
When the child tries to assert independence, they’re met with guilt-tripping, disapproval, or even silent treatment. The result is a deep struggle with decision-making in adulthood, as they were never given the chance to trust their own instincts.
6. They sabotage their child’s confidence.
Rather than celebrating their child’s successes, a narcissistic parent may subtly undermine them. They might say, “Are you sure you can handle that?” or, “You’ll probably quit like you always do.” These comments are designed to keep the child from developing true independence.
By making their child doubt themselves, narcissistic parents ensure they remain dependent. The child grows up questioning their abilities and needing constant reassurance from other people, often struggling with self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
7. They demand constant admiration.
Narcissistic parents expect their children to act as their personal cheerleaders, showering them with praise and validation. The child learns that their role is to boost their parent’s ego, often at the expense of their own needs. If the child ever expresses their own accomplishments or struggles, the parent may downplay them or redirect the conversation back to themselves. Over time, the child feels unseen and unimportant, struggling to prioritise their own needs.
8. They twist reality to avoid blame.
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents to make their child doubt their own experiences. If the child remembers an event differently, the parent may insist, “That never happened” or “You’re making things up.” The constant rewriting of history creates deep confusion. The child learns to question their own perception of reality, making it easier for the parent to maintain control. Even in adulthood, they may struggle with trusting their own memories or instincts.
9. They compete with their child.
Instead of celebrating their child’s achievements, a narcissistic parent sees them as competition. If their child excels at something, they may downplay it, claim credit, or even try to outshine them. It creates a toxic dynamic where the child feels guilty for succeeding or believes they must constantly prove themselves. Instead of support, they receive rivalry, making it difficult to feel truly proud of their own accomplishments.
10. They invade their child’s privacy.
Source: Unsplash Narcissistic parents see boundaries as threats to their control. They might read their child’s diary, go through their phone, or demand details about every aspect of their life. When confronted, they justify their actions by saying, “I’m just looking out for you.” But this constant invasion of privacy leaves the child feeling like they have no safe space, making it nearly impossible to develop a sense of individuality.
11. They play favourites.
In families with multiple children, narcissistic parents may create a golden child and a scapegoat, pitting siblings against each other. One child is praised and favoured, while the other is criticised and blamed, creating deep resentment between them. That divide-and-conquer strategy ensures the children remain distracted by rivalry rather than recognising their parent’s toxic behaviour. The emotional wounds from this dynamic can last a lifetime.
12. They make their child responsible for their emotions.
If a narcissistic parent is upset, they might place the blame on their child, saying things like, “You made me feel this way” or “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have done that.” This forces the child into the exhausting role of managing their parent’s emotions. As adults, they may struggle with guilt, people-pleasing, or constantly feeling responsible for other people’s moods, leading to emotionally draining relationships.
13. They dismiss their child’s achievements.
No matter what their child accomplishes, a narcissistic parent may downplay it, shift the focus back to themselves, or refuse to acknowledge it at all. If the child wins an award, the parent might say, “That’s nice, but when I was your age, I did even better.” Instead of feeling proud, the child grows up feeling like nothing they do is ever good enough. This leads to perfectionism, self-doubt, and an endless cycle of chasing approval.
