Narcissists don’t usually trample all over your boundaries right away.
They’re smarter than that. Instead, they eat away at them little by little, testing what they can get away with before you even realise what’s happening. It’s often subtle enough to dismiss at first—until one day you look around and realise you’re miles from the self-respect you started with. If you’ve ever felt your boundaries slowly disintegrate in a relationship, these early signs might sound uncomfortably familiar.
1. They “joke” about your limits to see how you react.
At first, it sounds harmless—maybe even funny. They’ll make little digs or teasing comments about your boundaries, framing it as a joke to keep things light. Of course, underneath the humour, they’re testing whether you’ll defend yourself or let it slide. When you laugh it off, they take it as permission to keep pushing. They’re not trying to share a laugh together—they’re seeing how much disrespect you’re willing to tolerate if it’s disguised as humour.
2. They act confused when you say you’re uncomfortable.
When you bring up something that crossed a line, they don’t apologise—they act bewildered. “What? I didn’t mean anything by it!” They make you question whether your feelings are valid in the first place. Needless to say, their “confusion” is a tactic, not a genuine misunderstanding. It subtly suggests that you’re overreacting, training you to doubt your instincts and making it easier for them to push further next time.
3. They make small “innocent” requests that feel a bit off.
At first, they ask for tiny favours—things that seem harmless but somehow leave you feeling uncomfortable or drained. Maybe they expect you to change plans for them last minute or share personal information too soon. These small asks aren’t random. They’re a way of gauging how much inconvenience, discomfort, or vulnerability you’re willing to accept. If you say yes too easily, they take it as a green light for bigger boundary breaches later.
4. They push for rapid intimacy.
Early on, they might try to create a sense of fast, intense connection—sharing deeply personal stories, pushing you to open up quickly, or using phrases like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone” alarmingly soon. This isn’t real vulnerability. It’s manufactured closeness designed to make you feel bonded before you’ve had time to see the red flags. It’s a boundary blur disguised as a fairytale beginning.
5. They expect immediate replies to texts or calls.
At first, it might seem flattering that they want to talk so much, but if they start getting annoyed, sulky, or passive-aggressive when you don’t respond immediately, that’s a problem. They’re not respecting your right to be busy, tired, or unavailable. They’re conditioning you to feel guilty for having boundaries around your time and attention, setting the stage for more serious control later.
6. They ignore you when you say no.
When you casually set a limit, like saying you’re too tired to go out or don’t want to talk about a certain topic, they find ways to storm right past it. They might pester, guilt-trip, or simply pretend you didn’t say anything at all. Every time they override a minor boundary, they’re training you to accept that your needs don’t matter. And once you get used to swallowing the small nos, it becomes harder to defend the big ones.
7. They act hurt when you assert yourself.
Instead of getting angry outright, they weaponise sadness. When you set a boundary, they look wounded, disappointed, or make subtle comments about how “cold” or “selfish” you’re being. Their emotional manipulation makes it harder to hold your ground. You end up backpedalling, softening your stance, or apologising for protecting yourself—exactly what they want.
8. They test your willingness to keep secrets.
Early on, they might confide something dramatic and frame it like a sacred trust: “You can’t tell anyone.” It’s a loyalty test, seeing if you’ll prioritise their wishes over your own comfort or judgement. What seems like bonding is actually about control. If you agree, they know you’re willing to compromise your boundaries to keep their approval, and they’ll use that against you later when things get murkier.
9. They nudge you toward self-doubt.
Little comments pile up: jokes about how forgetful you are, remarks about you being “too sensitive,” suggestions that you’re bad at certain things. It’s not overt cruelty; it’s drip-feeding insecurity. The goal is to eat away at your confidence so you second-guess yourself more easily. If you don’t trust your own instincts, it’s a lot easier for them to steer you wherever they want without resistance.
10. They pretend your boundaries are negotiable.
If you express a limit, they don’t respect it—they bargain with it. “Okay, but just this once?” or “Are you sure you’re not overthinking?” They frame it like a conversation instead of accepting it at face value. It’s a subtle way of suggesting that your boundaries aren’t fixed—they’re flexible if pushed just right. In the long run, that destroys your ability to trust yourself to hold the line when it matters most.
11. They shower you with (selective) praise.
When you’re doing what they want, the compliments flow. When you push back or assert independence, the approval dries up fast. It teaches you that compliance equals love, and boundaries mean emotional distance. That reward-and-withdrawal pattern trains you to associate setting limits with losing affection. It’s a deeply manipulative tactic that quietly conditions you to prioritise their comfort over your own needs.
12. They blur physical boundaries early on.
Maybe it’s standing too close, hugging longer than feels comfortable, or touching you in ways that feel a little too familiar for how well you know them. It’s subtle enough to excuse, but noticeable enough to feel off. Testing physical boundaries is one of the earliest ways narcissists see how easily you’ll override your instincts to avoid awkwardness or seem “nice.” If you let it slide, they take it as permission to push harder later.
13. They dismiss your need for space or independence.
If you express a desire for alone time, hobbies outside the relationship, or just a slower pace, they respond with guilt, confusion, or passive-aggression. They frame your independence as a personal rejection. It’s not just clinginess; it’s an early sign that they see your autonomy as a threat. Deep connection requires mutual respect for individuality, and when that’s missing, control isn’t far behind.
14. They rush you into decisions.
Whether it’s moving in together, committing to plans, or trusting them with personal information, they create a sense of urgency. “Why wait? If it’s right, it’s right.” But real trust takes time to build, not pressure to perform. By rushing you, they’re bypassing your natural, healthy pacing instincts. They know that fast decisions leave less room for you to notice red flags, and once you’re tangled up, it’s much harder to pull away cleanly.
