It’s not the screaming matches or slammed doors that cause the most damage in a relationship.
It’s the subtle digs, the subtle dismissals, the slow wearing down that eats away at trust and connection as time goes on. These behaviours don’t always look like a big deal from the outside, but they can be deeply damaging, and even end up destroying the relationship for good. If you’ve ever felt hurt without knowing exactly why, one of these might have been behind it.
1. Making jokes that aren’t really jokes
When someone consistently “jokes” about your flaws, past mistakes, or insecurities, it’s not lighthearted—it’s passive-aggressive. They might brush it off with “you’re too sensitive,” but deep down, they know it stings. This kind of “humour” hides cruelty behind a smile. It creates a power imbalance where one person gets to poke, and the other is expected to laugh it off, even when it hurts.
2. Giving the silent treatment instead of communicating
Stonewalling can feel like emotional starvation. Instead of working through conflict, they shut down entirely—no eye contact, no words, just cold detachment. It’s a form of control, not calm. You’re left feeling invisible, like your feelings don’t matter. And that silence can do more harm than yelling ever could.
3. Dismissing your emotions as overreactions
When you’re upset, and they say things like “you’re being dramatic” or “that’s not a big deal,” they’re not de-escalating—they’re invalidating. It makes you question your own feelings, like your reactions are a problem to fix. Eventually, it ruins your ability to trust yourself. You start minimising your emotions before you even speak them out loud, which is exactly how emotional disconnection starts.
4. Weaponising vulnerability
Opening up to someone is supposed to build closeness, not become ammo. However, when someone brings up your past or your fears in the middle of a fight, it turns intimacy into a weapon. Even if they claim they “didn’t mean it like that,” you feel exposed. Once trust is broken in that way, it’s really hard to let your guard down again.
5. Subtly keeping score
Instead of resolving issues, they log them. “I did this for you, but you didn’t do that for me.” Or, “You were late last week, so I get to be late now.” It turns the relationship into a running tally rather than a partnership. This kind of tit-for-tat approach doesn’t build anything—it just creates quiet resentment on both sides. You’re always trying to “balance” rather than connect.
6. Making you feel guilty for having boundaries
When you say no to something, they pout. When you ask for space, they act hurt. Suddenly, your attempt at healthy boundaries feels like abandonment or rejection. Guilt-tripping someone into dropping their limits is a quiet way of keeping control. It puts pressure on you to always be available, even when it drains you.
7. Undermining your confidence in subtle ways
They might not insult you directly, but they make little comments that leave you second-guessing yourself. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” “That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” “You used to look different.” These comments slowly wear you down. You might not even realise it’s happening until you notice you’re less confident, more anxious, and constantly looking for approval you didn’t need before.
8. Withholding affection as punishment
One disagreement and suddenly, they’re cold, distant, or unavailable. It’s not a healthy need for space—it’s a way of punishing you emotionally until you fall back in line. This creates a situation where love feels conditional. You start learning that you only get closeness when you behave a certain way, which isn’t love. It’s control dressed up as intimacy.
9. Correcting or “fixing” you in front of other people
You tell a story, and they interrupt to clarify. You share an opinion, and they explain what you “really meant.” It sounds small, but it creates a dynamic where they get to be the voice of authority, even about your own experience. It’s embarrassing and disempowering, especially if it keeps happening. Over time, it makes you hesitant to speak freely in front of other people.
10. Pretending to forget important things
They forget the name of your best friend, your work deadline, or the thing you said was a big deal next week. But they remember other things just fine. That selective memory starts to feel personal. This can be a subtle way of saying, “What matters to you doesn’t matter to me.” Even if they don’t mean it cruelly, it can feel like emotional neglect.
11. Mocking your interests or passions
They laugh when you get excited about something, roll their eyes at your hobbies, or make subtle comments like, “That’s a bit childish.” It might seem harmless, but it’s quietly undermining who you are. When someone you love treats the things you care about like a joke, it doesn’t feel playful—it feels belittling. Eventually, you stop sharing those parts of yourself at all.
12. Changing plans last minute without explanation
Everyone has to cancel sometimes. But if they regularly ditch plans without warning or explanation, and expect you to be fine with it—it starts to feel like you don’t matter. That kind of disregard slowly eats away at trust. You stop relying on them, not out of independence, but because you’ve learned not to expect follow-through.
13. Making everything your fault
No matter what happens, you’re somehow always to blame. They’re stressed? Your fault. The plans fell apart? You didn’t plan well enough. They snapped at you? You provoked it. That constant blame game is mentally exhausting. It makes you question your own actions to the point where you forget what fair even looks like in a relationship.
14. Tuning you out mid-conversation
They say “uh-huh” while scrolling. Their eyes glaze over when you’re talking. Or they change the subject when it’s something they’re not interested in. It’s not overtly cruel, but it makes you feel unimportant. Being consistently ignored when you’re trying to connect is one of those hurts that doesn’t leave a mark—but lingers just the same. You deserve to be listened to, not tolerated.
15. Using kindness to cover for control
They do nice things, but only when it benefits them. They might shower you with affection after you cave in an argument, or do something generous after making a cutting remark. It creates confusion. You end up doubting your feelings—was that really cruel if they were nice right after? But kindness shouldn’t be used to cancel out bad behaviour. It should never be a way to reset the scoreboard and avoid accountability.
