Most people assume twins are either inseparably close or constantly at each other’s throats, but the truth usually sits somewhere messier in between.
Even when the relationship is loving, there can be a subtle push and pull that never quite disappears—especially when it comes to identity, comparison, and unspoken competition. Some of these power struggles go unnoticed for years, hidden behind jokes, family dynamics, or habits that started in childhood and never got challenged. Here are some of the subtle ways that power plays between twins can show up—long after they’ve grown up.
One always being labelled “the responsible one”
Families often assign roles early on, and for twins, it can be especially rigid. If one twin is seen as the “sorted” one—more reliable, mature, or put-together—that label tends to stick, even if life has moved on. It can create an uneven dynamic where one feels slightly burdened with being the fixer, while the other feels underestimated or infantilised.
As adults, this dynamic can be hard to shake. The “responsible” twin might resent always being leaned on, while the other may feel like they’re not allowed to grow beyond old expectations. It’s not always spoken, but it definitely simmers under the surface.
Competing over who’s had the tougher life
Sometimes twins subtly compete over who’s had it harder—who struggled more at school, who’s had the rougher adult years, who overcame more. It’s less about seeking sympathy and more about trying to win emotional validation or recognition from other people (or each other).
That subtle but constant competition can turn emotional conversations into power plays. Instead of empathy, there’s one-upmanship. It can stop both people from really feeling heard, especially if vulnerability always gets met with comparison instead of comfort.
One twin constantly taking the lead in group settings
Whether it’s ordering for both of you at a restaurant or dominating conversations in group chats, one twin often takes the lead while the other follows. It might have started when you were younger—one being more outgoing, one more reserved, but as time goes on, it can feel less like a choice and more like a pattern you’re stuck in.
The twin who’s always deferring might start to feel invisible or dismissed, especially if they’re not given much space to take up attention on their own terms. Plus, the “lead” twin might not even realise they’re doing it because it’s been their default role for so long.
Disagreements being buried to avoid “ruining the twin bond”
There’s often pressure on twins to be close at all costs, like the relationship itself is sacred and must never be cracked. That pressure can stop genuine conflict from being aired, which only creates more silent resentment underneath. You get used to avoiding hard conversations to protect the image of closeness.
In the long run, small annoyances build up and become harder to ignore. However, because no one ever says anything, the issues don’t get resolved—they just get silently logged. The bond might still look strong on the outside, but underneath it’s weighed down by everything left unsaid.
Subtle jealousy about who “grew up” first
Even if you’re born five minutes apart, life rarely unfolds at the same pace. One twin might get a career break, buy a house, get married, or have kids first, and that can spark subtle comparisons or feelings of inadequacy. The twin who seems to be “ahead” might not even realise the impact it’s having.
This isn’t always overt or dramatic jealousy—it’s often hidden under jokes or light teasing. Still, the sting is real. It’s not about wanting to outdo each other; it’s about wondering whether you’re falling behind in a life that was once unfolding side by side.
One twin being the emotional support while the other rarely reciprocates
In some twin dynamics, one person quietly becomes the emotional caretaker. They’re the one listening, checking in, holding space, giving advice. Meanwhile, the other rarely asks how they’re doing in return. It creates an imbalance that’s easy to overlook until it starts to feel draining.
This dynamic can carry on for years without being addressed, especially if the supportive twin is used to being the “strong one.” But over time, it can start to feel like a one-way street, especially when their own struggles are met with silence or surface-level concern.
Family members playing them off each other (without realising)
Sometimes the subtle power struggles between twins aren’t entirely their fault—they’re fuelled by how other people treat them. Parents, grandparents, or even family friends might compare them openly, pit them against each other, or constantly bring up old dynamics that should’ve been retired long ago.
That kind of commentary can keep old roles alive even when both twins have grown and changed. It creates a weird pressure to “outperform” or constantly differentiate yourself just to be seen as your own person. It’s not always malicious, but it can be exhausting.
Competing to be the “cooler” or more modern one
Even as adults, some twins compete over who’s more socially in the loop—who dresses better, listens to cooler music, or seems more switched-on about current trends. It’s less about style and more about identity—about trying to shake off old labels or prove you’re not the one stuck in the past.
This can come out in playful jabs or passive-aggressive digs. “That’s such a you thing to wear” or “You still use that phone?” Underneath, it’s often a need to feel seen as the one who’s evolved or stayed relevant, especially if one of you has been seen as the “edgier” twin from the start.
Disagreement over how much contact is “normal”
Just because you’re twins doesn’t mean you always want the same level of closeness. One might want daily texts and constant updates, while the other prefers space and more casual check-ins. When those preferences clash, it can spark guilt, resentment, or silent withdrawal.
Neither person is necessarily wrong—it’s just a mismatch in emotional pacing. Of course, if it’s not talked about, it can create tension. The twin who pulls back might be seen as cold, and the one who checks in more might feel clingy or rejected, even if neither of those things are true.
Tension around shared identity vs independence
Twins often grow up being lumped together—same clothes, same friends, same expectations. As adults, that can spark a need to break away and carve out a completely separate life. But if one twin embraces the twin identity more than the other, it can create friction.
Maybe one loves the closeness and matching energy, while the other wants nothing to do with being seen as “one of the twins.” That tug-of-war can play out in subtle jabs or avoidance, all rooted in trying to answer the same question differently: who am I without you?
Subtle competition over who’s more emotionally “evolved”
In some twin relationships, emotional maturity becomes a bit of a battleground. One might pride themselves on being self-aware or emotionally intelligent, while silently judging the other for being “immature” or “dramatic.” Even healing work can turn into a competition.
That sort of subtle superiority can be damaging. It stops the other person from feeling safe to open up and creates a dynamic where only one twin’s growth is respected. It’s emotional hierarchy disguised as progress, and it often ends up widening the gap instead of closing it.
Revisiting old roles during family events
No matter how far you’ve come, something about being back in the family home can drag you both back into those childhood roles. The funny one. The serious one. The bossy one. The underdog. And suddenly, the dynamic switches back without either of you consciously choosing it.
This regression can feel frustrating, like all your adult development goes out the window the minute someone brings out the old photo albums. It’s subtle, but it can reignite old power struggles and leave both of you feeling boxed in, even if just for the weekend.
Struggling to admit when the relationship needs work
There’s often a deep loyalty between twins, and with that comes a reluctance to admit when things feel off. Saying “We’re not as close as we used to be” or “This dynamic isn’t working anymore” can feel like breaking some unspoken twin contract.
However, avoiding those conversations doesn’t make the issues disappear—it just leaves both of you feeling a bit stuck. Sometimes the most powerful thing twins can do is recognise that the relationship deserves the same honesty and attention you’d give to any other long-term bond. Being twins doesn’t mean you’re immune to growing pains—it just means the roots run deeper.
