Arguing with a narcissist is never straightforward, but it’s always exhausting and absolutely infuriating.
What starts as a simple disagreement often spirals into confusion, defensiveness, and emotional exhaustion. That’s because narcissists don’t argue to resolve; they argue to win, control, or pass off blame. Their tactics can be manipulative, cruel, or just plain baffling, leaving you second-guessing what even started the argument in the first place.
It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting about, either—narcissists have a well-rehearsed playbook for emotional chaos in every situation. If you’ve ever walked away from a fight feeling more confused than when you started, these behaviours might feel painfully familiar. These are just some of the things a narcissist will say or do during an argument, and why they do them.
1. They twist your words to mean something you didn’t say.
One of their go-to tactics is word-twisting. You could say something neutral or calmly express how you feel, and somehow it gets spun into a completely different narrative—usually one that makes you the villain. They do this to derail the conversation and put you on the defensive. Suddenly, you’re no longer discussing the issue—you’re stuck explaining, clarifying, and defending yourself while they play the misunderstood victim.
2. They bring up completely unrelated things to distract you.
You might start with a valid concern about something recent, but a narcissist won’t stay on topic for long. They’ll dig up things from weeks, months, or even years ago, throwing them into the argument like grenades. The goal is to shift the focus away from themselves and overwhelm you with emotional clutter. It becomes hard to stay grounded when the argument zigzags through unrelated issues, all designed to throw you off balance.
3. They play the victim, even when they started it.
Narcissists often flip the script mid-argument. Suddenly, they’re the ones hurt, misunderstood, or mistreated, even if they were the one who lashed out or started the conflict in the first place. They’re trying to guilt-trip you and make you question your reactions. If you’re too busy apologising or comforting them, you’ll forget why the argument even started, and that’s exactly what they want.
4. They gaslight you into doubting your memory.
You might bring up something they said or did, only for them to deny it ever happened. Even if it was recent, or you have clear proof, they’ll still insist you’re mistaken, exaggerating, or just “too emotional.” Gaslighting destroys your confidence in your own perception over time. In an argument, it’s a way for them to shut you down while making you feel irrational. It keeps you dependent on their version of events, rather than trusting your own.
5. They attack your character instead of addressing the issue.
Source: Unsplash Rather than responding to the actual topic, they go straight for personal jabs—mocking your intelligence, bringing up your insecurities, or calling you names. These attacks can feel cruel and disproportionate. It’s not about the issue itself; it’s about breaking you down emotionally. The more you feel hurt or insecure, the easier it is for them to regain control. It’s a classic power move that leaves you rattled and defensive.
6. They deny your feelings or call you too sensitive.
Instead of acknowledging how you feel, they dismiss it entirely. They might tell you you’re overreacting, too emotional, or just trying to start a fight. That invalidation shuts down the conversation and reinforces their control. If you believe your feelings are unreasonable, you’re less likely to speak up in the future, which is exactly what they’re aiming for.
7. They suddenly go silent or storm off.
Source: Unsplash Rather than engaging with the argument, they might abruptly shut down or walk away, often mid-sentence or without warning. It’s not about needing space—it’s about punishing you with silence. That kind of stonewalling makes you feel powerless and desperate to fix things, even when you did nothing wrong. It’s their way of holding the emotional reins and forcing you to chase their attention.
8. They turn other people against you in the middle of the fight.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often recruit other people into their version of events, painting themselves as the innocent party, while making you look unstable or aggressive. This can include family, friends, or even children. It’s known as “triangulation,” and it makes you feel isolated and ganged up on. It’s not just hurtful; it’s strategic. It allows them to maintain control of the narrative and gain sympathy from everyone around them, while making you feel like the unreasonable one.
9. They accuse you of doing what they’re actually doing.
Projection is one of their favourite tools. If they’re being manipulative, they’ll accuse you of manipulation. If they’re lying, they’ll insist you’re the one being dishonest. It’s a clever distraction that turns the spotlight away from their behaviour. You end up defending yourself against accusations that are, in reality, their own reflection.
10. They pretend to agree with you just to end the argument.
Sometimes, instead of defending their position, they’ll suddenly agree with you, often in a flat or dismissive tone. It might sound like, “Fine, you’re right. Whatever.” This isn’t resolution; it’s dismissal. It’s a tactic to shut down the argument without accountability. They aren’t agreeing because they understand or care; they just want you to stop talking.
11. They rewrite history to suit their narrative.
A narcissist will often recall past events in a way that places them in the best possible light and paints you as the problem. Their version of the past can be shockingly different from what actually happened. They do this with such confidence that you start questioning your own memory. It’s another layer of gaslighting that helps them maintain control and avoid taking responsibility.
12. They act like they’re the only reasonable one in the room.
During an argument, they might take a superior tone, saying things like “You’re being irrational” or “I’m just trying to talk calmly, and you’re making it a big deal.” Unsurprisingly, that changes the power dynamic. By painting themselves as logical and calm while framing you as emotional or erratic, they position themselves as the voice of reason, even when they’re being entirely unreasonable.
13. They mock your emotions or mimic you.
Source: Unsplash A narcissist might respond to your frustration or sadness with mocking behaviour—mimicking your tone, laughing at your tears, or imitating your words in a sarcastic way. That’s not just disrespectful; it’s meant to humiliate you. It sends the message that your feelings are a joke to them, which can be incredibly hurtful and deeply undermining.
14. They give backhanded apologies or none at all.
If they do apologise, it’s often in a way that shifts blame back onto you. Think, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” or “I’m sorry if you misunderstood me.” These aren’t real apologies, they’re dismissals. And often, they don’t apologise at all. They either act like nothing happened or expect you to move on without any acknowledgment. It’s a way to dodge accountability while maintaining the upper hand.
15. They escalate until you’re the one who looks “crazy.”
They may provoke you repeatedly—interrupting, insulting, or pushing your buttons—until you snap. Then they’ll point to your reaction as proof that you’re unstable, dramatic, or abusive. That tactic is both manipulative and calculated. It allows them to feel justified while casting themselves as the reasonable party. The longer it goes on, this can leave you constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to react at all.
16. They make everything your fault, even their behaviour.
In the end, whatever happened, it’s always your fault. They’ll find a way to blame you for starting the argument, for their outburst, or even for their silence. You’ll hear things like, “You made me act this way.” This shifts all responsibility off of them and puts it squarely on your shoulders. And if you start believing that, it gets harder and harder to trust your own reality, or to hold them accountable for anything.
