Divorce is never easy—even when it feels necessary, it’s often tangled in what-ifs, emotional overwhelm, and moments of deep second-guessing.
For many women, the period before filing is one of the most confusing and emotionally complex times in their lives. Looking back, there are things they often wish they’d understood or handled differently—not to change the outcome, but to move through it with more clarity, strength, or peace. These are some of the most common situations ex-wives often feel they could’ve (or should’ve) handled another way.
1. Asked themselves what they truly wanted outside the relationship
Before making a major life decision like divorce, many women wish they had taken time to reconnect with themselves first. It’s easy to focus solely on the marriage when you’re in pain, but understanding your personal needs, goals, and identity outside of the relationship can create much-needed perspective.
Some women later realise they were reacting to deep dissatisfaction in other areas of life, not just the marriage itself. Clarifying what you really want—emotionally, creatively, or personally—can change everything, including how you navigate separation.
2. Talked openly to a therapist before taking legal steps
Therapy isn’t just for couples. Individual support can help you untangle the emotional knots that make everything feel urgent or impossible. Many women wish they’d worked through their anger, grief, and fear with a therapist before making life-altering decisions.
Sometimes, a few key sessions would have helped them feel clearer about their needs, or better prepared to stand by the decision they ultimately made. Therapy doesn’t always fix the marriage, but it can help you move with less emotional whiplash.
3. Gathered financial information earlier
One of the most common regrets? Not knowing enough about the household finances before things got complicated. Many women admit they didn’t know passwords, account balances, or how money was managed day-to-day.
Having a clear financial picture before filing can dramatically change how you protect yourself and negotiate. It’s not about being sneaky, it’s about being informed. Waiting until things are tense often means playing catch-up when you’re already overwhelmed.
4. Spoken more honestly, even if it led to uncomfortable conversations
Some women wish they’d had the courage to be brutally honest earlier on. Not cruel, but clear about their needs, their hurt, and about what wasn’t working and hadn’t been for a long time. They now realise they were trying to preserve peace or avoid conflict, but in the process, they never really gave the relationship a chance to change. Speaking up might not have saved the marriage, but it might have helped them leave with fewer unspoken words.
5. Paid closer attention to their body’s signals
The body often knows before the mind catches up. Some women recall chronic exhaustion, tension, illness, or gut-level anxiety long before they admitted they were unhappy. However, they dismissed it, thinking it was just stress or life pressure. Looking back, they wish they’d trusted those signals instead of pushing through. The body can be a powerful truth-teller, and tuning in earlier might have saved them from years of emotional wear and tear.
6. Got clearer on what “trying” really looked like
It’s common to be encourages to try everything before you leave, but many women realise later that they weren’t sure what “trying” actually meant. Was it therapy? Better communication? More patience? Less resentment? Without clarity, “trying” can turn into years of surviving, hoping, or blaming—without actual repair. Some women wish they’d defined what effort would look like for both partners, so they could track whether it was really happening.
7. Stopped hiding their unhappiness from everyone
Many women kept their unhappiness to themselves for years, out of embarrassment, guilt, or fear of being judged. However, when the divorce happened, loved ones were shocked, and the lack of emotional support made it harder to cope. Being more honest about what they were going through might have made them feel less alone, even if they weren’t ready to leave yet. People can’t show up for you if they don’t know there’s something to show up for.
8. Understood the emotional waves were normal
The days leading up to filing are rarely calm or clear. It’s common to cycle between anger, grief, guilt, hope, and numbness, all in the same afternoon. However, many women judged themselves harshly for not being more decisive or collected. In hindsight, they wish they’d allowed themselves to feel what they needed to feel, without labelling it as weakness or failure. Emotional waves are part of the process, not proof that you’re doing it wrong.
9. Got legal advice early, even if they weren’t ready to act
Some women avoided speaking to a lawyer because they didn’t want to feel like they were “giving up.” However, when the moment came to file, they were unprepared and overwhelmed by the process. Getting legal information early on doesn’t mean you’re committing to anything. It just means you’re giving yourself options. Many women now say they would have felt far less panicked if they’d simply known what to expect before making their move.
10. Asked themselves if they still respected their partner
Love is complex, and many women get stuck wondering if it’s “enough.” However, what often gets overlooked is the role of respect—do you trust them, admire them, feel safe with them emotionally or mentally? When women looked back, they realised that respect had disappeared long before love did. If that question had been asked earlier, it might have provided a clearer window into the true state of the relationship.
11. Let go of the fantasy of who their partner could be
Many women admit they stayed far too long holding onto potential. They were in love with a version of their partner that existed in their imagination—one who might change, soften, or finally understand one day. Letting go of the fantasy didn’t mean giving up. It meant facing what had actually been happening. It’s hard, but also freeing to stop waiting for someone to become who they said they’d be and start living in what’s real.
12. Prepared for the grief, even if they wanted out
Even when you’re sure divorce is the right decision, grief still shows up. It’s not just about the person; it’s about the loss of dreams, routines, identity, and imagined futures. Some women thought certainty would shield them from the pain. It didn’t.
Now they know that grieving is not a sign they made the wrong decision. It’s a normal, healthy response to major change. They wish they’d known to expect it sooner, so it didn’t feel like such an emotional ambush.
13. Let themselves stop trying to justify it to everyone
Many women spent too much time trying to make their divorce understandable to everyone else. They worried about looking unreasonable, selfish, or like they gave up too soon, so they over-explained and over-defended every step. Eventually, they learned: people will have opinions no matter what. The only clarity that really matters is your own. Sometimes, a quiet decision made with self-respect is stronger than any perfect explanation.
14. Spoke more honestly to themselves
Before divorce, many women were kinder to their partners than they were to themselves. They rationalised bad behaviour, minimised their needs, and convinced themselves it wasn’t “that bad.” They now realise they were gaslighting themselves out of their own truth.
Looking back, they wish they’d stopped bending the truth to stay comfortable, and started asking themselves what kind of life they really wanted to be living. That inner honesty would’ve saved them a lot of emotional noise.
15. Protected their energy like it was non-negotiable
During the lead-up to divorce, emotional energy gets drained in a hundred invisible ways—overthinking, hiding, doubting, managing everyone’s reactions. Some women wish they’d drawn firmer boundaries around their time and peace much earlier.
Whether it’s saying no to unnecessary conversations or stepping away from people who make you second-guess yourself, energy protection is survival. It’s not cold; it’s wise. It helps you think clearly when things feel most chaotic.
16. Realised sooner that choosing themselves wasn’t selfish
This is the core regret many women circle back to. They knew they weren’t happy. They knew things weren’t working. Still, they couldn’t shake the guilt of putting their needs first. It felt selfish, even though it was survival. Now, they see that choosing themselves was an act of courage, not cruelty. They wish they’d understood that self-respect isn’t a betrayal of other people—it’s a promise to yourself. It’s okay if that’s what finally moved things forward.
