We’ve all had those moments of feeling insecure about our bodies. That critical voice in our heads can be loud enough without others adding to the chorus. Learning to be kinder with our words – to others and to ourselves – makes a world of difference.
1. “You’ve gained weight.”
They know. Even if well-intentioned, pointing this out is embarrassing and unnecessary. Their body is their business, and commenting on it is unlikely to be the helpful nudge you think it is. Besides, they’ve probably got a mirror and a scale at home, so they don’t need a running commentary from you.
2. “Have you tried [insert latest diet trend]?”
Unless they’ve asked for advice, assume they have the information they need. Diets (especially fad ones) rarely work long-term, and unsolicited advice suggests you think they lack knowledge or willpower. Plus, if they wanted to hear about cabbage soup and grapefruit cleanses, they’d watch daytime TV.
3. “But you have such a pretty face!”
This backhanded compliment implies their body is the problem. It reinforces a harmful beauty standard that values thinness above all else, and won’t improve their body image struggles. Instead of focusing on what their body lacks, try complimenting something truly unique about them.
4. “You’d be so much prettier if you lost weight.”
Ouch. Tying someone’s worth to their appearance is a recipe for deep-seated insecurity. They are more than their body size, and suggesting otherwise perpetuates unhealthy societal pressures. Remember, true beauty comes from confidence and personality, not a number on a scale.
5. “Don’t you want to fit into your old clothes?”
Maybe they loved those clothes… or maybe they hated them. Regardless, their clothing size shouldn’t dictate their happiness or self-worth. Focus on how they feel, not external benchmarks of success. Maybe instead ask if there’s anything you can do to help them feel good, regardless of what they wear.
6. “Just eat less and move more.”
This grossly oversimplifies the complexities of weight loss. Hormones, genetics, medications, stress, mental health… weight isn’t always a simple “calories in, calories out” formula. If it was that easy, no one would struggle with their weight, right?
7. “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight! What’s your secret?”
Even as a compliment, it keeps the focus on their body size. Plus, weight loss may be due to illness or stress, making this well-meaning observation potentially insensitive. Instead, compliment something unrelated to their appearance, like their energy or sense of humor.
8. “Don’t worry, you don’t look that big.”
Minimizing their feelings isn’t helpful. Telling someone their body isn’t “that bad” just reinforces that “big” is bad in the first place. Validate their concerns without judging their perception of themselves. Maybe try, “Sounds like you’re feeling a little down on yourself right now. Is there anything I can do to help?”
9. “I was so much heavier than you, and I lost the weight!”
Everyone’s struggle is different. While you may feel inspiring, this can minimize their experience. Instead of making it about you, offer support or ask how they would like to be supported. A simple, “This stuff is tough. Let me know if I can help take something off your plate” goes a long way.
10. “Think about your health!”
They already are. Concern-trolling disguised as “tough love” is usually just thinly-veiled judgment. Weight can be a health factor, but it’s not the only one, and is best discussed with their doctor, not you. Unless you’ve got an M.D. after your name, leave the medical advice to the professionals.
11. “Think about your health!”
They already are. Concern-trolling disguised as “tough love” is usually just thinly-veiled judgment. Weight can be a health factor, but it’s not the only one, and is best discussed with their doctor, not you. Unless you’ve got an M.D. after your name, leave the medical advice to the professionals. Besides, stress isn’t exactly great for your health either, so maybe back off with the unsolicited commentary.
12. “Someone your size shouldn’t be eating that.”
Food policing is controlling and embarrassing. You have zero insight into their overall diet, health status, or relationship with food. Don’t make them feel ashamed for enjoying a meal or a treat. Let them have their cake – it’s none of your business anyway.
13. Comparing them to others (even positively)
“Your sister carries her weight so well” or “If I had your curves…” doesn’t help. Comparisons heighten self-criticism. Focus on them, not how their body compares to another person’s. They’re not in competition with anyone else, so ditch the scorekeeping.
14. Using their weight to explain bad moods or life struggles
“You’d be happier if you lost weight” is inaccurate and dismissive of the real problems they might be facing. Don’t blame complex life issues on their appearance. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day, not a reason to hit the gym.
15. “It’s not healthy to be fat.”
This blanket statement reinforces fatphobia. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and weight alone doesn’t indicate someone’s health. Focus on supporting healthy behaviors, not dictating a number on the scale. You’re not their doctor, so stick to your own lane.
16. Giving advice unless they specifically ask for it.
Sometimes people just need to vent, not fix a problem. Ask “Do you want advice, or just someone to listen?” and respect their answer. Turns out, being a good listener can do more good than a thousand unsolicited diet tips.
17. Talking about your own weight loss journey
It might feel relatable, but can make them feel worse about themselves. Keep the focus on their experiences, not yours, unless they directly ask about your own weight-related struggles. Remember, it’s their journey, not yours. They don’t need a play-by-play of your fitness routine.
